Honestly, dude, what the fuck? Not only were you the greatest actor of your generation, but your performance in “Lords of Dogtown” is one of my all-time favorites.

You know, if you really wanted to kill something with sleeping pills today, I’m sure Lindsay or Britney or Paris or — insert your own useless skank here – would’ve gladly accompanied you to lunch for some deliciously pharmaceuticalized Chinese food.

My only hope now is that something good can come out of all this. Namely, Mary-Kate Olsen being arrested for murder.

Editor’s Note: If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then perhaps it’s time to venture outside the cave and read about Heath Ledger’s untimely demise here.

Troubled (?) pop star Britney Spears was hospitalized late Thursday night after keeping police and rescue workers at bay for more than an hour by locking herself in a bathroom with her two children at her home in Beverly Hills. While no one knows exactly how the police managed to successfully defuse what one witness called “a hostage situation”, many believe she was simply coaxed out with the promise of cake and some ATTENTION.

The always reliable (but often misunderstood) OK! Magazine has the breakdown:

11:32 a.m.: Britney, in a bright fuschia halter dress and heels, arrives over 90 minutes late to her final chance to give a court-ordered deposition in her custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. She is only able to be deposed for approximately 14 minutes.

12:20 p.m.: Brit arrives back home at her gated community, The Summit. Her sons are there for their scheduled visit, as is a court-appointed monitor.

7 p.m.: K-Fed’s security team arrives to pick up boys Sean Preston and Jayden James and bring them back to their father’s house. When there is a delay in releasing the boys, Britney’s assistant, Carla, makes excuses for the pop star. However, it soon becomes clear that there is a problem.

At some point, 2-year-old Sean Preston is removed from the house, leaving only little Jayden inside with his mother.

8 p.m.: The police are notified of a custodial situation at Britney’s house and officers are dispatched to The Summit. But when they arrive, they find that the court-appointed monitor, who has been locked out of the house, is not in possession of the paperwork required to allow them to enter Britney’s house.

9:20 p.m.: K-Fed’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan arrives at The Summit with the required paperwork. He and five police cars enter the gated community and drive up to Britney’s house.

10:30 p.m.: More than a dozen police officers, as well as two ambulances and a handful of fire rescue trucks are now on the scene. Sometime before 11 p.m., Britney’s cousin Alli and Brit’s assistant Carla leave the house, leaving Brit alone with Jayden James.

11:45 p.m.: Britney is taken out of her home strapped to a gurney and placed into an ambulance, which is escorted by 13 police cars with sirens blaring to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, arriving at approximately 12:30 a.m. Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle.

I must admit that as far as breakdowns go, this one kind of pales in comparison to the one Britney had last year when she shaved her head and attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella. Now that had a spark of originality to it. Unlike this one which simply looks like the end of an old Warner Bros. cartoon. Cue the mouse eating cheese as the house falls down.

Editor’s Update: Yep, according to People Magazine, Britney dun lost all her child-visitation rights after last night’s fiasco and has been ordered to have her tubes tied until dead. Hooray! More cake for me.

Hopefully, 2008 will be the year that Brooke Burke finally stops shoving penises into her vagina drumsticks into her mouth and starts working out more.

Seriously, what is she up to now? Like 200 kids pounds?

Remember last week when we were walking down the street together and you kept asking me why I kept kicking every child I saw in the head? Well, my friend, here’s a perfect example why: a picture of the always-lovely Monica Bellucci and her wonderful cleavage that I can’t currently see because there’s some damn kid in the way. And if that’s not enough for you, then perhaps it’s time to think back to what your wife once looked like before she had all those stretch marks and why you can’t currently afford that new 60” plasma. Is that the wall I hear you kicking? I thought so. Work on your aim.

Editor’s Note: Okay, before anyone starts sending me e-mails wishing me bodily harm, let me come clean and admit that I was just joking about the kicking children part. I would never do such a thing, especially when my punch is that much harder. Hey, it’s not like they don’t deserve it. Children are just like people, only smaller and easier to kill.

If, of course, you’re the one responsible for cutting her hair or selling her that bikini of Playdough colors.

Special Note to Elisha Cuthbert: No, fuck you and the viral marketing campaign that convinced me to see “Captivity“. I still can’t believe that piece of shit was directed by Roland Joffe. He did “The Killing Fields“, for Christ’s sake. What did you ever do besides Kiefer Sutherland, and obviously, Roland Joffe?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it customary for God to answer all prayers when given. Because I’m pretty sure I remember asking him last week to reach down from the heavens and stab Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle before the year was out. Yet here I am, staring at this picture of her ringing in the New Year unscathed for the 26th fucking time.

Obviously, I must have done something wrong when praying here. Was I supposed to use my thumb and pinky as an imaginary phone or something? Or did he just ignore me because I’m all for gay marriage? Come on, you Christian bastards, throw me a bone here and tell me what I did wrong. Paris’ death will only help us all.

UPDATE: According to an e-mail I received from Louise in Kentucky, God was unable to “shank that whore of Babylon to death” (her words, not mine) because her dress resembled that of a stain glass window. And, as any church can tell you, God really, really likes pretty glass. Which, of course, does little to explain why a being with such tastes would be against gay marriage, but I guess even God has his demons to struggle with.

Ashlee Simpson was in Miami last night, hosting a New Year’s Eve party for a bunch of people who must really hate themselves. No, I wasn’t there, but apparently Ashlee’s boyfriend was and now I’m going to have to look up his name because I have no idea who the hell he is or why he has hair like Cher.

Okay, so his name is Pete Wentz and he’s a musician of sorts. And by that, I mean he plays bass for some band called Fall Out Boy and, well, since I’m over the age of twelve, I really don’t know what that means. Oh yeah, and apparently, he likes to use an entire bottle of conditioner in the shower as well.

Special Note to Ashlee Simpson: I see you’re still kissing like you still have your old nose. Don’t worry, you still have a few more inches left before you start jabbing him in the cheek. Hey, perhaps you should start practicing more. Here, try my ass.

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn’t Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

From US Magazine:

“I love my God, my higher power, but it is mine and mine alone, and I create my connection, and I decide how my connection is going to be,” he added.

Describing himself as a “student of world religions,” Smith — who was raised a Baptist — said: “I believe that my connection to my higher power is separate from everybody’s.

“I don’t believe that the Muslims have all the answers and all the beliefs. I don’t believe the Christians have all the answers and beliefs, or that the Jews have all the answers.”

I love Will Smith. We have so much in common. He doesn’t necessarily believe in organized religion; I don’t necessarily believe in organized religion or pants. His parents just don’t understand; my parents just don’t understand why I don’t wear pants. His wife is a closet lesbian who likes to wear pants instead of dresses; my wife has a really big closet full of dresses I like to wear instead of pants. See? It’s like we’re brothers, only both of us are still alive after last Thanksgiving’s fistfight.

Editor’s Note: Yo homes, smell ya later!

For the first time in, oh, let’s say 20 years, the Spice Girls entertained a crowd of, oh, let’s say maybe ten people with a, oh, let’s say horribly lip-synced concert in Vancouver yesterday. And just so you know, the Vancouver I’m talking about here is the one found in Canada and not the one that doesn’t exist in England. I know it’s pretty easy to make that mistake between the two, especially with the Spice Girls waving around the Union Jack here and not a flag with pancakes on it.

Here’s hoping they were bayoneted to death on their way out. Although knowing the Canadians, I’m pretty sure they just offered them universal healthcare instead.