For the first time in, oh, let’s say 20 years, the Spice Girls entertained a crowd of, oh, let’s say maybe ten people with a, oh, let’s say horribly lip-synced concert in Vancouver yesterday. And just so you know, the Vancouver I’m talking about here is the one found in Canada and not the one that doesn’t exist in England. I know it’s pretty easy to make that mistake between the two, especially with the Spice Girls waving around the Union Jack here and not a flag with pancakes on it.

Here’s hoping they were bayoneted to death on their way out. Although knowing the Canadians, I’m pretty sure they just offered them universal healthcare instead.

Victoria Beckham made some friends at the London Chest Hospital recently when she was offered a cup of coffee by some nurses and then turned it down because it wasn’t made with bottled water.

From News of the World:

“She was offered a cup of coffee by one of the staff,” said another visitor to the London Chest Hospital.

“But he wanted to know what kind of water had it been made with bottled or tap. Obviously it was tap water and she said, ‘No, thank you’.

“The staff were bemused. Water is boiled anyway, so people didn’t understand what the problem was.”

The Posh show as she and husband David visited 59-year-old dad Ted following his heart attack kept ward staff amused for hours.

I don’t understand. Where’s the part of the story where the head nurse then took the coffee pot and smashed it over Posh’s head? Shouldn’t that be in there somewhere along with quotes like “My face! My beautiful face!” and “Ah bollocks, call maintenance! The bloody cunt’s bleeding all over me floor.”

Editor’s Note: You know, reading this story reminds me of why I piss into bottles in the first place. Not only does it cut down on bathroom breaks while driving, but it also gives me a trunk full of payback when some snobby bitch turns her nose at my coffee made from tap water.

“Excuse me, sir, but this second batch of coffee tastes a bit funny. Did you use bottled water like I requested

“Bottled water? Oh, I thought you meant bottled piss. My mistake.”

“Eghads! I think I might take ill.”

“Good. For a minute there, I thought I wasted an entire bottle of March 2005 piss for nothing.”

“Arrgh, my stomach! I’m sure I deserve this for being such a snobby uptight bitch.”

“Probably.”

The End

Once again, Victoria Beckham is caught off guard by the paparazzi. C’mon, guys, at least give her a chance to pose next time. [Victoria Beckham Is Just Hanging Out]

I wonder if Hilary Duff knows that people can see through her dress, or if she’s just blaming all that vomiting around her on last night’s party. [Pop Atlas]

Nick Nolte is a father again at the age of 66. All of which begs the question: does Nick Nolte think babies are full of beer? [Dlisted]

Jennifer Lopez went on TRL yesterday looking like the damn Hamburglar. Felon. [Bizzom]

I think Halle Berry being pregnant will be good for us all. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

This Hayden Panettiere upskirt moment brought to you by the makers of yawwwwwn. [Celebridiot]

Now that Britney’s passed her first court-ordered drug test, look for her to celebrate by fucking up the next one. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Lindsay Lohan’s finally out of rehab. Maybe she should get together with Britney and celebrate. [The Star Blogger]

Nip/Tuck will be coming back for its 5th season on Oct. 30. Don’t make me have to hurt you for not watching it. Yeah, that’s right, John, Jim, Tom, Michelle, Liz, Kate, Jack, Chris, Alex, Paul, Todd, Tim, Susan, Ann, Kari, Kevin, Omar, and anyone whose name ends with a “y”, I’m talking to you. [Popbytes]

And finally, it’s Britney, bitch. I think she means you.

Here’s another picture of some Hollywood stars in Las Vegas last night for the Video Music Awards. And by “Hollywood stars”, I mean two people most famous for having sex on tape and another who’s famous for knowing two people who’ve had sex on tape. You might know them as porn star Ron Jeremy, Hepatitis C carrier Pamela Anderson, and some guy waiting for a dove to land on his hand. I, on the other hand, like to refer to them as my future chauffer, maid, and coat rack.

I say this because, according to my mother, Ron Jeremy is only about 5’ 6”, and even at that height, he’s only about an inch shorter than the tallest man in this picture. So if this picture is any indication as to the average height of your Hollywood star, I – at only six feet tall – could very well fly out there tomorrow and be ruling the place by dinner time.

My plan? Simply find everyone’s drugs and put them some place high like on top of the refrigerator or something. Five minutes later – instant compliance.

Editor’s Note: I know what you’re thinking – “but what about the stars that don’t use drugs like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie?” Easy, I just take their birth control instead. Because if there’s one thing Hollywood hates more than you, it’s responsibility.

I’m not going to pretend that I know what’s going on in this picture, but I pray it has something to do with Pamela Anderson being punched in the stomach. Repeatedly. With brass knuckles AND a roll of quarters. By that guy in the blue shirt in front of her – who was the last puncher in a line of fifty guys who all had really bad aim and hit her in the uterus instead. Because god damn it, that’s what you get for allowing Tommy Lee to impregnate you. You get a beating to guarantee that it will never happen again.

Editor’s Note: Seriously, it’s the law. Feel free to look it up while I field all this hate mail.