Faith Hill wants you to know that if you have this uncontrollable urge to punch her in the face when you see her, that she’s totally okay with it and won’t sick her Black Panther buddies on you. [BTW, I Missed]

Does this mean that Heidi Klum is now qualified to fix my sink? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Looks like some of the Spice Girls have been wearing Britney Spears’ old dresses — or as she likes to call them, “napkins”. [The Star Blogger]

It’s been exactly one year since Tom Cruise made his hostage taking official. [Celebrity Nation]

For someone named Lil’ Kim, she sure has a big head. But then I guess she’d have to since she’s got a whole lot of ugly to carry around. [That Grape Juice]

Amy Winehouse is being criticized for glamourizing cocaine by parading around at 80 pounds with missing teeth. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears will be spending her Thanksgiving in *snort* Miley Cyrus’ bathroom. [Hollywood Backwash]

Britney Spears has hired a private detective to dig up dirt on her ex-husband K-Fed. Cue the backhoe. [Dlisted]

Did you know that the American Music Awards were on last night? I didn’t, but that’s probably because I was too busy sleeping through “Desperate Housewives” and “Brothers & Sisters”. [Bizzom]

And finally, here’s the one highlight from last night’s American Music Awards. If you find yourself still watching after the guy trips and falls, then I think I may know why the kids in the school keep beating you up.

Jennifer Lopez hit the runway at Fashion Week earlier today to show off her new spring/summer collection. If you’re wondering why the runway is not an elevated catwalk like in most fashion shows, that’s because the last time J-Lo stepped out on one, the models backstage thought they were on the Titanic and panicked.

Luckily, Leonardo DiCapio was there to calm them down. Otherwise, they might have disturbed me and my ten women orgy in the back room. Oops, make that eleven. I forgot to count Leo’s girlfriend.

Editor’s Note: Fattie.

Jennifer Lopez and her enormous bottom [bottom? I guess I must be channeling the British today. P.S. Gandhi was a wanker who didn’t understand the advantages of imperialistic oppression. Tangent? By George, yes.] have accepted an offer of $2 million from a Russian billionaire to sing at his wife’s 30th birthday party. Sources close to Lopez – oh, how I pity them – said that the singer is expected to perform for “about 40 minutes”, which is about 40 minutes longer than most partygoers will want her to.

From MSNBC:

Andrei Melnichenko, a 35-year-old Russian banker, is flying Lopez to the U.K. to entertain his model wife, Aleksandra, and her 60 guests at their home for her birthday bash, according to various overseas reports. The tab is said to be $1.2 million fee, plus $800,000 for Lopez and her entourage’s expenses. Melnichenko’s personal fortune is reportedly close to $5 billion.

This reminds me of that time George Michael was paid nearly $3 million dollars to perform at the New Year’s Eve party of Vladimir Potinan, another crazy Russian billionaire. It also reminds me of that time President Reagan said, “Mr. Gobachev, tear down this wall, or I’m going to get the musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen to do it for me.” All of which reminds me that I really don’t have any point to make here other than maybe showing everyone that the Russians have poor taste in music just like most Americans do and that Lee Marvin was really, really good in “Gorky Park”.*

*Seriously, with the red face and bushy eyebrows, he looked exactly like your typical Russian woman. It’s just too bad his character was an American man or he might of won an Oscar.

Lee Marvin is the one on the left. No, not his left, your left – the one in the furrier hat. Yep, that’s him. Lee fucking Marvin. How that man managed to escape the blacklist I’ll never know.

I don’t know who the hell invited Jennifer Lopez and her mumbling, stumbling corpse of a husband Marc Anthony to Berlin last night for the 2007 Echo Music Awards, but I’m pretty sure that person expected a whole lot more than just an attention whore dressed like a rape victim and a 85-pound coke fiend who needs a cart to buy a box of envelopes.

Editor’s Note: Oops, my mistake. According to J-Lo’s number one fan, her dress was accidentally torn after being pulled from the rubble by her handsome and heroic husband M-An. Apparently, the Allies are still bombing the shit out of Berlin or something. I really don’t have the specifics.