Say what you will about Tara Reid, but at least she’s humble poor enough to do her own grocery shopping contaminating.

I’m not exactly sure, but I think the last time I saw Penelope Cruz was at the Vatican. She was hogtied naked and screaming something about Thetans or Theodore Huxtable or something like that. Again, I’m not exactly sure. I do know that it was about two weeks after her breakup with Tom Cruise so the Catholics were probably just deprogramming her in their continuing effort to stop the rolling juggernaut that is Scientology. I wish I could go into greater detail, but I’d really hate to lose my job here washing the sacrificial floors. These walls have ears. Literally.

Editor’s Note: Oh yeah, and Penelope Cruz is a bicycle thief because I once saw this black and white film about Europeans and that’s exactly what they did. They stole each other’s bicycles. And talked funny. But not like “ha ha” funny. It was more like the “I don’t understand a word they’re saying, am I having a stroke?” funny.

Editor’s Note Dos: Sorry, but my computer only let me post one more picture of Penelope. They’re so smart these days.

As a fan of the 1970’s, I absolutely adore this gown worn by actress Penelope Cruz. It’s just too bad she wasn’t strong enough to pull along two stoners, their bong, and a bunch of Peter Frampton records on that shag carpet train behind her. Then maybe she could have walked away tonight with an award for Best Diorama instead of absolutely nothing like the rest of us.

Editor’s Note: And when I say nothing, I mean nothing since it’s pretty obvious that Helen Mirren is going to win the Best Actress award for her performance as John Travolta in “The Queen”.