Here’s Kanye West telling everybody that he is “the #1 human being in music” after appearing on “The Wendy Williams Experience” – a radio gossip show that obviously originates from some kind of fancy bar that serves champagne to black people. Which is quite startling since I’m almost positive that champagne is strictly reserved for old white guys in tuxedos.

But hey, I guess when you’re “the #1 human being in music”, your genius just transcends the social norm and you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want. Like make a complete drunken fool of yourself on VH1. Or bitch and moan like an irate cheerleader who just lost Nationals and started her period on the same day. Don’t cry, Kanye. There’s always next year. And menopause.

Editor’s Tip For Kanye West: Use a mirror next time instead of a camera. That way, you’ll all be in agreement.

And by “special”, I mean “don’t give her anything she’s not supposed to eat or bang her head against”.

Editor’s Note: I’ve looked at this photograph for a while now and I still can’t figure out what the hell this guy is giving her. A ball of tin foil perhaps? Because that would explain why she’s so happy and why I can’t find mine. And if that is mine, then she needs to seriously give it back before I throw a tantrum and invade the Middle East. Hey, don’t judge me; I was born this way. It’s what “we” do.

TMZ is reporting that Dennis Rodman may be in trouble with the Orange County Sheriff’s Department after he slapped a woman on the ass and left a mark.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned the Orange County Sheriff’s Department is investigating the incident, which allegedly took place at Hennessy’s Tavern in Dana Point, near Laguna Beach. One source says the ex-basketball star allegedly slapped the woman’s rear so hard, it left a “major mark.”

Jim Amormino, a spokesperson for the O.C. Sheriff, told TMZ, “Officers did respond to an incident involving a man and a woman. A police report was taken, and is currently with the sex crime unit of the Sheriff’s department.”

If this woman was smart, she’d just drop the charges and forget about it. Unless, of course, she wants to waste the next couple of months trying to convince law enforcement officials and a possible jury that, one, Dennis Rodman is still alive, and two, he slapped her ass instead of the handsome guy next to her.

Also, in Rodman’s defense, I’m sure he was aiming for her face, but missed because he was drunk and had some guy’s cock in his mouth. I know. I saw the whole thing.

Editor’s Note: Instead of posting some bullshit Rodman poses, I decided to give you pictures of Carmen Electra getting a new tattoo on her wrist last week. Apparently she misses all the marks she used to have there.

In an effort to fend off boredom and give my hands something more to do other than just type and masturbate all day, I’ve decided to create a new feature here at The Blog You Love To Hate called “I Want To Kick Your Ass”.

The concept is simple. Each week – or each day, depending on my mood – I will pick one celebrity who I believe absolutely deserves to have their ass kicked. Now this person may be chosen for things he/she has done in the past or for something he/she has done that day. It really doesn’t matter which as long as I personally have a good enough reason to want to kick their ass.

And now for the fun part.

If you haven’t already figured it out, I’m not exactly joking here about wanting to kick some celebrity ass. In fact, I guess you could say that I pretty damn serious about the whole thing. If you think about it, most of these celebrities would probably be better off with someone like me out there. Someone who is ready to step up and kick their asses for being narcissistic assholes who think they can continue to shit all over the world and not be held accountable for it. They may think they’re above the law, but not as far as my fists are concerned.

As for the rules of each ass kicking, I’d like to keep them as simple as possible.

1. Each bout will include only me and the celebrity whose ass I’m about to kick. No bodyguards, agents, or flash photography allowed.

2. All bouts will be held at a location of my own choosing, unless I feel a change in location would help facilitate said ass kicking.

3. No weapons allowed. That includes drugs like cocaine and methamphetamines, you crazy ass bitch.

4. Handicaps may be used to give either I or the celebrity in question a fighting chance.

5. Bouts are officially over once a person begins to either cry or apologize for being such a dick.

6. I reserve the right to a rematch on the off chance that something goes horribly wrong and I end up getting my ass kicked instead.

Also, I am willing to take requests so feel free to e-mail me at erichvonstroheim@theblogyoulovetohate.com if you have a celebrity whose ass you want me to kick. Or, if you want to kick that celebrity’s ass yourself, let me know and I’ll put the word out for ya.

So, with all that being said, I guess there’s nothing left for me to say but…

Why: Because you managed to buy your freedom after killing two people, only to turn around and piss it away on long golf games, despicable books of “fiction”, and armed robbery. You, my sociopathic friend, have pushed the boundaries of this nation’s tolerance far enough.

Where: Fred Goldman’s front lawn

When: Father’s Day

Handicap: Since you will no doubt try to sneak in a knife, I ask that I be allowed to be flanked by a blonde white woman in her thirties and a younger man in his twenties to act as both distractions and decoys.

Please contact me at erichvonstroheim@theblogyoulovetohate.com as soon as possible. This offer to kick your ass is for a limited time only.

Holy shit, the Emmys were boring last night. I’m so glad I didn’t decide to live blog them like I did last year or I’d probably be dead right now. And not because I would’ve tried to hang myself after the first five minutes either. No, my life is much too awesome to go out like that.

Instead, I would’ve most likely been assassinated (yes, I am that important) by a team of FOX censors sent to my house after reading things like “Ryan Seacrest is only hosting the awards because they’re on FOX this year” or “Whatever happened to Anchorwoman?” on this innocuous little blog of mine.

Don’t believe me? Then perhaps you should ask Sally Field about them. They did, after all, cut her (head?) off for using the words “god damn” in her anti-war speech last night. Man, who would have thought a bunch of cocksuckers would be so uptight. I mean, come on, they suck cock, for crying out loud. Shit like that’s so far off the grid, it’s not even covered in the Bible.

Editor’s Note: Because Matthew Perry looks like a FOX censor, that’s why.