Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it customary for God to answer all prayers when given. Because I’m pretty sure I remember asking him last week to reach down from the heavens and stab Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle before the year was out. Yet here I am, staring at this picture of her ringing in the New Year, unscathed for the 26th fucking time.

Obviously, I must have done something wrong when praying here. Was I supposed to use my thumb and pinky as an imaginary phone or something? Or did he just ignore me because I’m all for gay marriage? Come on, you Christian bastards, throw me a bone here and tell me what I did wrong. Paris’ death will only help us all.

UPDATE: According to an e-mail I received from Louise in Kentucky, God was unable to “shank that whore of Babylon to death” (her words, not mine) because her dress resembled that of a stain glass window. And, as any church can tell you, God really, really likes pretty glass. Which, of course, does little to explain why a being with such tastes would be against gay marriage, but I guess even God has his demons to struggle with.

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

You know that dead hooker you pulled out of the Hudson last week and didn’t tell the cops about because you wanted to take her home and dress her up like dear old mom? Yeah, well, apparently she wasn’t all that dead and decided to go see a movie last night. I don’t think she’s coming back.

Editor’s Note: I must admit that there was a time when I truly believed that Vera Farmiga was the most beautiful Ukrainian in all of New York. But now, I’m going to have to give that honor to the guy who kills my chickens. I’d tell you his name if I could spell it, but I don’t speak commie. Go America!

From People:

“I was told late Saturday night that they filed for a marriage license,” a source tells PEOPLE, adding that Anderson – who has been performing with magician Hans Klok at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino – and Salomon, 38, have been inseparable lately. “Rick is always with her. He’s backstage when she does her show all the time.”

According to Access, their Las Vegas affiliate KVBC confirmed that the pair had gotten the license on Saturday.

The pair, who headed back to Los Angeles Saturday night, have been staying at Anderson’s Malibu beach house.

A rep for Anderson had no comment.

I hate to be the bearer of rogue cynicism, but I’m pretty sure Pam is only marrying this guy to get his liver. After all, she’s been walking around with Hepatitis C for a couple of years now and that liver of hers has got to be on its last Our Father. Or Salah. I really don’t know which since I’ve never seen her liver in church or spoken to it directly.

I do know, however, that her vagina and enormous breast/ass concoction worship at the church of Satan. I see them there in the woods behind my local high school from time to time. They like to wear all black like I do. No mask though.

Editor’s Note To Livers Everywhere: Damn you and your regenerative powers! Now they will both live.

Dita Von Teese lends her pasty body to an ad campaign for animal birth control. You know, because she hates animals. [Popbytes]

Keifer Sutherland gets a DUI for blowing twice the legal limit of .08. Dude, you’re such a fucking disappointment. Next time you get pulled over, it better be a .24 or I’m watching “Heroes”. [City Rag]

Geez Hayden, who the hell taught you to get out of a car like that? The Pope? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Elton John has been accused of having a piece of child pornography in his art collection. Which I guess is infinitely better than being accused of having a Van Gogh in your child pornography collection. Pedophiles don’t take to kindly to that shit. [Hollywood Snark]

Paris Hilton vows to never do Letterman again. The show, not the man. [Dlisted]

Joe Simpson has finally confirmed that his daughter has had plastic surgery. Can you guess which one? Here’s a hint: both of them. [Celebrity Nation]

David Beckham poses nude for Tom Cruise’s favorite magazine. No, not “Playgirl”. The other one. [Celebridiot]

And finally, here’s Britney Spears being bombarded by paparazzi as she uses the public restroom at Quiznos. Or is it Quizno’s. Because I often see advertisements for Quizno’s subs, but everyone I know calls it Quiznos, not Quizno. Do you understand what I’m saying here? Britney Spears is boring.

Here’s Kanye West telling everybody that he is “the #1 human being in music” after appearing on “The Wendy Williams Experience” – a radio gossip show that obviously originates from some kind of fancy bar that serves champagne to black people. Which is quite startling since I’m almost positive that champagne is strictly reserved for old white guys in tuxedos.

But hey, I guess when you’re “the #1 human being in music”, your genius just transcends the social norm and you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want. Like make a complete drunken fool of yourself on VH1. Or bitch and moan like an irate cheerleader who just lost Nationals and started her period on the same day. Don’t cry, Kanye. There’s always next year. And menopause.

Editor’s Tip For Kanye West: Use a mirror next time instead of a camera. That way, you’ll all be in agreement.

And by “special”, I mean “don’t give her anything she’s not supposed to eat or bang her head against”.

Editor’s Note: I’ve looked at this photograph for a while now and I still can’t figure out what the hell this guy is giving her. A ball of tin foil perhaps? Because that would explain why she’s so happy and why I can’t find mine. And if that is mine, then she needs to seriously give it back before I throw a tantrum and invade the Middle East. Hey, don’t judge me; I was born this way. It’s what “we” do.

From TMZ:

TMZ has learned the Orange County Sheriff’s Department is investigating the incident, which allegedly took place at Hennessy’s Tavern in Dana Point, near Laguna Beach. One source says the ex-basketball star allegedly slapped the woman’s rear so hard, it left a “major mark.”

Jim Amormino, a spokesperson for the O.C. Sheriff, told TMZ, “Officers did respond to an incident involving a man and a woman. A police report was taken, and is currently with the sex crime unit of the Sheriff’s department.”

If this woman was smart, she’d just drop the charges and forget about it. Unless, of course, she wants to waste the next couple of months trying to convince law enforcement officials and a possible jury that, one, Dennis Rodman is still alive, and two, he slapped her ass instead of the handsome guy next to her.

Also, in Rodman’s defense, I’m sure he was aiming for her face, but missed because he was drunk and had some guy’s cock in his mouth. I know. I saw the whole thing.

Editor’s Note: Instead of posting some bullshit Rodman poses, I decided to give you pictures of Carmen Electra getting a new tattoo on her wrist last week. Apparently she misses all the marks she used to have there.

In an effort to fend off boredom and give my hands something more to do other than just type and masturbate all day, I’ve decided to create a new feature here at The Blog You Love To Hate called “I Want To Kick Your Ass”.

The concept is simple. Each week – or each day, depending on my mood – I will pick one celebrity who I believe absolutely deserves to have their ass kicked. Now this person may be chosen for things he/she has done in the past or for something he/she has done that day. It really doesn’t matter which as long as I personally have a good enough reason to want to kick their ass.

And now for the fun part.

If you haven’t already figured it out, I’m not exactly joking here about wanting to kick some celebrity ass. In fact, I guess you could say that I pretty damn serious about the whole thing. If you think about it, most of these celebrities would probably be better off with someone like me out there. Someone who is ready to step up and kick their asses for being narcissistic assholes who think they can continue to shit all over the world and not be held accountable for it. They may think they’re above the law, but not as far as my fists are concerned.

As for the rules of each ass kicking, I’d like to keep them as simple as possible.

1. Each bout will include only me and the celebrity whose ass I’m about to kick. No bodyguards, agents, or flash photography allowed.

2. All bouts will be held at a location of my own choosing, unless I feel a change in location would help facilitate said ass kicking.

3. No weapons allowed. That includes drugs like cocaine and methamphetamines, you crazy ass bitch.

4. Handicaps may be used to give either I or the celebrity in question a fighting chance.

5. Bouts are officially over once a person begins to either cry or apologize for being such a dick.

6. I reserve the right to a rematch on the off chance that something goes horribly wrong and I end up getting my ass kicked instead.

Also, I am willing to take requests so feel free to e-mail me at erichvonstroheim@theblogyoulovetohate.com if you have a celebrity whose ass you want me to kick. Or, if you want to kick that celebrity’s ass yourself, let me know and I’ll put the word out for ya.

So, with all that being said, I guess there’s nothing left for me to say but…

Why: Because you managed to buy your freedom after killing two people, only to turn around and piss it away on long golf games, despicable books of “fiction”, and armed robbery. You, my sociopathic friend, have pushed the boundaries of this nation’s tolerance far enough.

Where: Fred Goldman’s front lawn

When: Father’s Day

Handicap: Since you will no doubt try to sneak in a knife, I ask that I be allowed to be flanked by a blonde white woman in her thirties and a younger man in his twenties to act as both distractions and decoys.

Please contact me at erichvonstroheim@theblogyoulovetohate.com as soon as possible. This offer to kick your ass is for a limited time only.

Holy shit, the Emmys were boring last night. I’m so glad I didn’t decide to live blog them like I did last year or I’d probably be dead right now. And not because I would’ve tried to hang myself after the first five minutes either. No, my life is much too awesome to go out like that.

Instead, I would’ve most likely been assassinated (yes, I am that important) by a team of FOX censors sent to my house after reading things like “Ryan Seacrest is only hosting the awards because they’re on FOX this year” or “Whatever happened to Anchorwoman?” on this innocuous little blog of mine.

Don’t believe me? Then perhaps you should ask Sally Field about them. They did, after all, cut her (head?) off for using the words “god damn” in her anti-war speech last night. Man, who would have thought a bunch of cocksuckers would be so uptight. I mean, come on, they suck cock, for crying out loud. Shit like that’s so far off the grid, it’s not even covered in the Bible.

Editor’s Note: Because Matthew Perry looks like a FOX censor, that’s why.