Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it customary for God to answer all prayers when given. Because I’m pretty sure I remember asking him last week to reach down from the heavens and stab Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle before the year was out. Yet here I am, staring at this picture of her ringing in the New Year, unscathed for the 26th fucking time.

Obviously, I must have done something wrong when praying here. Was I supposed to use my thumb and pinky as an imaginary phone or something? Or did he just ignore me because I’m all for gay marriage? Come on, you Christian bastards, throw me a bone here and tell me what I did wrong. Paris’ death will only help us all.

UPDATE: According to an e-mail I received from Louise in Kentucky, God was unable to “shank that whore of Babylon to death” (her words, not mine) because her dress resembled that of a stain glass window. And, as any church can tell you, God really, really likes pretty glass. Which, of course, does little to explain why a being with such tastes would be against gay marriage, but I guess even God has his demons to struggle with.

I see the police have finally taken my advice and begun taking mugshots of whores from farther back. [Diane Kruger Used To Look Much Better]

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

You know that dead hooker you pulled out of the Hudson last week and didn’t tell the cops about because you wanted to take her home and dress her up like dear old mom? Yeah, well, apparently she wasn’t all that dead and decided to go see a movie last night. I don’t think she’s coming back.

Editor’s Note: I must admit that there was a time when I truly believed that Vera Farmiga was the most beautiful Ukrainian in all of New York. But now, I’m going to have to give that honor to the guy who kills my chickens. I’d tell you his name if I could spell it, but I don’t speak commie. Go America!

Pamela Anderson and her “friend of 15 years” Rick Salomon – also known as the man who spent “1 Night in Paris” – applied for a marriage license in Las Vegas over the weekend. This will be the third marriage for the former “Baywatch” star and at least the second time Rick Salomon has stuck his penis inside an STD-infested jungle.

From People:

“I was told late Saturday night that they filed for a marriage license,” a source tells PEOPLE, adding that Anderson – who has been performing with magician Hans Klok at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino – and Salomon, 38, have been inseparable lately. “Rick is always with her. He’s backstage when she does her show all the time.”

According to Access, their Las Vegas affiliate KVBC confirmed that the pair had gotten the license on Saturday.

The pair, who headed back to Los Angeles Saturday night, have been staying at Anderson’s Malibu beach house.

A rep for Anderson had no comment.

I hate to be the bearer of rogue cynicism, but I’m pretty sure Pam is only marrying this guy to get his liver. After all, she’s been walking around with Hepatitis C for a couple of years now and that liver of hers has got to be on its last Our Father. Or Salah. I really don’t know which since I’ve never seen her liver in church or spoken to it directly.

I do know, however, that her vagina and enormous breast/ass concoction worship at the church of Satan. I see them there in the woods behind my local high school from time to time. They like to wear all black like I do. No mask though.

Editor’s Note To Livers Everywhere: Damn you and your regenerative powers! Now they will both live.

Evan Rachel Wood? That’s no name for a whore. [Bizzom]

Dita Von Teese lends her pasty body to an ad campaign for animal birth control. You know, because she hates animals. [Popbytes]

Keifer Sutherland gets a DUI for blowing twice the legal limit of .08. Dude, you’re such a fucking disappointment. Next time you get pulled over, it better be a .24 or I’m watching “Heroes”. [City Rag]

Geez Hayden, who the hell taught you to get out of a car like that? The Pope? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Elton John has been accused of having a piece of child pornography in his art collection. Which I guess is infinitely better than being accused of having a Van Gogh in your child pornography collection. Pedophiles don’t take to kindly to that shit. [Hollywood Snark]

Paris Hilton vows to never do Letterman again. The show, not the man. [Dlisted]

Joe Simpson has finally confirmed that his daughter has had plastic surgery. Can you guess which one? Here’s a hint: both of them. [Celebrity Nation]

David Beckham poses nude for Tom Cruise’s favorite magazine. No, not “Playgirl”. The other one. [Celebridiot]

And finally, here’s Britney Spears being bombarded by paparazzi as she uses the public restroom at Quiznos. Or is it Quizno’s. Because I often see advertisements for Quizno’s subs, but everyone I know calls it Quiznos, not Quizno. Do you understand what I’m saying here? Britney Spears is boring.