Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it customary for God to answer all prayers when given. Because I’m pretty sure I remember asking him last week to reach down from the heavens and stab Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle before the year was out. Yet here I am, staring at this picture of her ringing in the New Year, unscathed for the 26th fucking time.

Obviously, I must have done something wrong when praying here. Was I supposed to use my thumb and pinky as an imaginary phone or something? Or did he just ignore me because I’m all for gay marriage? Come on, you Christian bastards, throw me a bone here and tell me what I did wrong. Paris’ death will only help us all.

UPDATE: According to an e-mail I received from Louise in Kentucky, God was unable to “shank that whore of Babylon to death” (her words, not mine) because her dress resembled that of a stain glass window. And, as any church can tell you, God really, really likes pretty glass. Which, of course, does little to explain why a being with such tastes would be against gay marriage, but I guess even God has his demons to struggle with.

I see the police have finally taken my advice and begun taking mugshots of whores from farther back. [Diane Kruger Used To Look Much Better]

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

Hugh Grant –- an actor best known for trying not to cry when I beat him up last week* — made a cool $20 million last night after Christie’s auctioned off his Andy Warhol screen print of Elizabeth Taylor to an anonymous buyer (ok, me) for $23.7 million.

*he stole me teddy.

From Telegraph.co.uk:

The 1963 screen print entitled “Liz (Colored Liz”) sold for $23.7million (£11.85 million) to an anonymous buyer, six years after Grant bought it for $3.6 million.

Despite the huge appreciation, the selling price fell below the $25 million to $35 million estimate set by the auction house Christie’s and the work attracted only two bidders.

If reading this story makes you mad, then good. You should be fucking mad. Because while you spent the past six years working your ass off for such glamorous things as food and shelter, Hugh Grant – an actor who’s at least ten years past his prime – was sitting around on his ass, napping under an Andy Warhol painting that was appreciating at approximately $9,132 a day. You know, what I make.

So keep those donations coming! Thanks to your support, I’ve almost got that debilitating case of assholetitis beat!

Suckers. I mean, fuckers.

Editor’s Note: Here’s some pictures of Elizabeth Hurley instead of that bastard Hugh Grant. As many of you know, she dated Hugh back in the 90’s while he dated prostitutes and women with noses that didn’t carry the risk of accidentally blinding him one day.

Wow, here’s a surprise: Angelina Jolie sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I haven’t seen anything like that since the last time she was sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I think it was sometime earlier this morning. No, wait a minute, that was my penis. Apparently, he’s got a big fucking mouth too. [Angelina, My Penis Challenges You To A Debate]

Amy Winehouse bears a striking resemblance to that pile of dog shit I stepped in this morning. What, not funny enough for you? The pile of dog shit’s standing behind me right now, isn’t it? [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears apparently spends close to $5000 a month on fast food, double-lattes, and spit. [The Naked Celebrity]

Shia LeBeouf was arrested over the weekend for trying to grow a mustache without a permit. Let that be a warning to you, Britney. [Celebrity Nation]

According to this picture of Robert Downey Jr., somebody out there is giving away free pizzas with their hair dye. [Popbytes]

If I were Sherlock Holmes, I’d be using my magnifying glass right now to help Hayden Panettiere find her cleavage. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Score one for consistency: Jennifer Hudson is as delusional as she is fat. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera has finally confirmed her pregnancy and the existence of gravity. Denial masquerading as privacy is fun! [Hollywood Backwash]

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace has finally confirmed that there is no God by having twins this weekend. May Tom Cruise have mercy on us all. [Dlisted]

And finally, here’s Barack Obama on SNL last weekend. That’s Barack Obama — B-A-R-A-C-K - O-B-A-M-A. You know, in case you want to support someone who won’t fuck up the country for a change. Oops, I meant C-O-U-N-T-R-I-E-S.

Now I guess I could go ahead and search throughout the internet for the reason why actress Mena Suvari is currently sporting a haircut usually reserved for creepy middle-aged men who live with their mothers or rape victims who’ve finally had enough, but that would mean actual work and I’m much too drunk this morning for that.

So instead, I’m just going to call Mena a lesbian and urge you all to run before she tries to eat your vagina. Or sell you a lifetime subscription to Butch Weekly.

Editor’s Note: I think more women should dress like this when using their exercise ball. Or at least while taking their morning powerwalks. Think of the money they could make!