Public nuisance Oprah Winfrey wants the world to know that it was an overactive thyroid that caused her to gain an extra 20 pounds this year and not her love for sweet, sweet bacon.

From The Associated Press:

“My body was turning on me,” she says in the October issue of O, the Oprah magazine. “First hyperthyroidism, which sped up my metabolism and left me unable to sleep for days. (Most people lose weight. I didn’t.)”

“Then hypothyroidism, which slowed down my metabolism and made me want to sleep all the time. (Most people gain weight. I did! Twenty pounds!)”

Hyperthyroidism can also cause a fast heartbeat, among other symptoms; hypothyroidism, the opposite condition, can result in fatigue and weakness.

Winfrey, exhausted and stressed, took a month-long break in Hawaii to regain her health.

So if that’s her excuse for being fat, what’s her excuse for being so god damn annoying? An overactive sanctimonious gland? That sure would explain why she thinks she’s so much better than the rest of us. And who knows, she might very well be. Because I know that if I had all that money and syndicated television fame, my girls school would be more like a brothel and Dr. Phil’s corpse would be fertilizing my garden right now. Oh yeah, and I’d probably start an organization to help people called the avenging angel network because, you know, most people are assholes and need to be taught a lesson.

Editor’s Note: Here’s Britney Spears because, well , we just don’t see enough of her and I would love to watch her wrestle Oprah one day.