Natalie Portman may be an award-winning actress with a degree from Harvard in Jodie Fosterism — an area of study also known as “I’m a rich & famous actress, now give me my fucking diploma for all the free publicity” — but that still doesn’t mean she’s not a spotlight-sucking whore like the rest of young Hollywood.

Case in point, her decision to wear an exceptionally short dress to the premiere of her new film “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” in a color that is often associated with radioactive vaginas that glow in the dark and other things that may be pink and too hot to touch (e.g. a poorly cooked ham, a torch made out of cotton candy, a newborn baby girl fresh from the microwave, the soundtrack to “Grease 2″, etc.).

I believe it’s a color often referred to as “hot pink” by the Crayola family and, if I remember correctly, “fucking whore” by mine.

“Look Daddy, I made this picture of Mommy in a pretty dress.”

“Very nice, Erich. Your mom’s a fucking whore.”

Okay, so maybe my memory’s a little fuzzy. I was quite the heavy drinker back then.

Special Note to Dustin Hoffman: Smooth, man, real smooth.

If you have problems with depth perception, then you’re probably wondering what Al Gore did to deserve a slap from “Heroes” star Ali Larter at the Emmy’s earlier tonight. Well, my blind friend, the answer to that question is simple. You really shouldn’t be driving. Or telling people that you’ve touched the moon.

Editor’s Question: Who wore the color red better: Ali with her gown or Al with his face?