It’s no secret that Jessica Biel finds the paparazzi annoying, especially since she started dating Justin Timberlake. But did you know that she’s been out there recently trying to turn the tables on them by picking up a camera and PHOTOGRAPHING THEM! Talk about a most brilliant plan — if she was eight-years-old and mildly retarded.

You know, there was a time about six months ago in which I would have actually taken the time out of my busy schedule to exploit Jessica’s weakness to fight fire with fire by stalking her in the nude in the hopes of her doing the same to me. But now I have to admit that Jessica Biel simply annoys me and needs to just go away. That’s why I’ve decided to hire a stuntman to follow her around on fire in two-minute intervals. Hopefully, she’ll take the bait.

You might also want to use those scissors to cut out Richard Gere and his buddy from the background. Unless, of course, you’re into that kind of thing, then hey, you got room for one more?

Editor’s Note: For added realism, play select scenes from “Wicker Park”, “Troy”, or “National Treasure” in the background. And by “select scenes”, I mean scenes without Josh Hartnett or Nicolas Cage in them. Those guys are erection killers.