After watching tonight’s episode of “American Idol”, I am now convinced of three things:

1. In a dancing contest, Paula Abdul could easily out dance most strippers. Or at least the ones I keep tied up in my basement.

2. In a drinking contest, Paula Abdul could easily out drink every Mongoloid in a Nepal bar…including Karen Allen.

3. In a cackling contest, Paula Abdul could easily out cackle Liza Minnelli. So when Liza finally dies next week, look for Paula to be crowned the new number one erection killer in America.

Watching Paula Abdul on tonight’s episode of “American Idol” was like watching a lonely drunk at the end of a bar. Only instead of grabbing the ass of every guy who walked by, she set her sights on but one man and did everything short of throwing up all over him to get his attention.

Unfortunately for judge Simon Cowell, the man in question turned out to be him, and boy, did he ever suffer. For within just thirty minutes, Simon was physically accosted by Paula at least three times and had to listen to her whine for almost an hour more. Now I’m no lawyer or anything, but if I was to guess, I’d say that Simon could, at the very least, get some kind of restraining order against this crazy bitch. Because if this keeps going the way its going, he’s going to wake up one day and find her sitting on his face looking for even more attention. And let me tell you, waking up with your nose up somebody else’s ass is no way to start your day. Not even here in France.