Does this mean that Heidi Klum is now qualified to fix my sink? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Looks like some of the Spice Girls have been wearing Britney Spears’ old dresses — or as she likes to call them, “napkins”. [The Star Blogger]

It’s been exactly one year since Tom Cruise made his hostage taking official. [Celebrity Nation]

For someone named Lil’ Kim, she sure has a big head. But then I guess she’d have to since she’s got a whole lot of ugly to carry around. [That Grape Juice]

Amy Winehouse is being criticized for glamourizing cocaine by parading around at 80 pounds with missing teeth. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears will be spending her Thanksgiving in *snort* Miley Cyrus’ bathroom. [Hollywood Backwash]

Britney Spears has hired a private detective to dig up dirt on her ex-husband K-Fed. Cue the backhoe. [Dlisted]

Did you know that the American Music Awards were on last night? I didn’t, but that’s probably because I was too busy sleeping through “Desperate Housewives” and “Brothers & Sisters”. [Bizzom]

And finally, here’s the one highlight from last night’s American Music Awards. If you find yourself still watching after the guy trips and falls, then I think I may know why the kids in the school keep beating you up.

A warning to all you pissy Londoners out there:

Unless you want to zig-zag your way through puddles of vomit on a daily basis, I’d seriously consider staying inside until Paula Abdul vacates your city. If you thought she was unreasonably drunk while judging “American Idol” here in America, just wait until she realizes that you guys have a pub on every corner.

In fact, according to my keen sense of lip-reading, I’m pretty sure Paula is asking this kid for “a couple quid” so she can “get pissed” and “oppress the Irish”. That’s what you guys do over there, right?

Given Paula Abdul’s love for the drink, I’m sure this isn’t the first time she’s had her face licked by a dog. It may be, however, the first time it’s happened without her lying face down on the middle of her front lawn. All of which leads me to believe that this is a huge step towards sobriety for the once-lovable, now slurable former pop star and that she might just shower from now on instead of simply telling everyone she did because the sprinklers kicked on.

Editor’s Note: Now that I have finished writing the painfully unfunny paragraph above, I am reminded of that scene from John Hughes’ “Sixteen Candles”. I think you know the one.

If you found this scene particularly hilarious, I urge you to watch it again and again until it’s burned into your memory. This way, when China takes over the world in twenty years and bans the film for making fun of “chinamen”, you can recreate the scene in your head and amuse yourself as you assemble dolls for all of those spoiled little rich girls in China. Believe me, it’ll make those sixteen hour work days go by a lot quicker.

Diminutive drunkard Paula Abdul showed up at the 49th annual Grammy Awards last night sporting cleavage only your 85-year-old grandfather could love – especially if he’s the type of guy who prefers to tip his waitress by shoving a roll of quarters into her bosom instead of a crisp ten-dollar-bill.

That being said, this isn’t the first time Paula Abdul has been out and about showing off her botched plastic surgery job. You may remember this startling picture from just a few months ago:

As you can see, Paula’s breasts have begun to pull apart like the lost continent of Pangaea, which means they could very well find themselves positioned just above her love handles by early summer. Pretty sexy, huh?

If you just nodded, you should know that Paula Abdul is still quite single and looking to replace ex-husband Emilio Estevez. You should also know that if she’s already taken by the time you get there, you could always look up Tara Reid. Her breasts are slated to hit her knees by St. Patrick’s Day.

Editor’s Note: I decided to take my trusty time machine on a little trip to the year 2008 just to see if my prediction on the movement of Paula’s breasts was correct. As you will soon see from the video below, I may have miscalculated a bit.

The Tonight Show – January 15, 2007

I think I’ll save my comments for tomorrow morning. This way I’ll be able to call her an even bigger liar when I’m rested. And in case you have no idea what the hell I am talking about, you can check out the original video here.

Editor’s Note: Damn, I completely forgot about this post today. Thank you, brain. I owe you one.

Editor’s Promise: Paula Abdul is a bigger fatter liar.

After watching tonight’s episode of “American Idol”, I am now convinced of three things:

1. In a dancing contest, Paula Abdul could easily out dance most strippers. Or at least the ones I keep tied up in my basement.

2. In a drinking contest, Paula Abdul could easily out drink every Mongoloid in a Nepal bar…including Karen Allen.

3. In a cackling contest, Paula Abdul could easily out cackle Liza Minnelli. So when Liza finally dies next week, look for Paula to be crowned the new number one erection killer in America.

Watching Paula Abdul on tonight’s episode of “American Idol” was like watching a lonely drunk at the end of a bar. Only instead of grabbing the ass of every guy who walked by, she set her sights on but one man and did everything short of throwing up all over him to get his attention.

Unfortunately for judge Simon Cowell, the man in question turned out to be him, and boy, did he ever suffer. For within just thirty minutes, Simon was physically accosted by Paula at least three times and had to listen to her whine for almost an hour more. Now I’m no lawyer or anything, but if I was to guess, I’d say that Simon could, at the very least, get some kind of restraining order against this crazy bitch. Because if this keeps going the way its going, he’s going to wake up one day and find her sitting on his face looking for even more attention. And let me tell you, waking up with your nose up somebody else’s ass is no way to start your day. Not even here in France.