Wow, here’s a surprise: Angelina Jolie sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I haven’t seen anything like that since the last time she was sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I think it was sometime earlier this morning. No, wait a minute, that was my penis. Apparently, she’s got a big fucking mouth too. [Angelina, My Penis Challenges You To A Debate]

Amy Winehouse bears a striking resemblance to that pile of dog shit I stepped in this morning. What, not funny enough for you? The pile of dog shit’s standing behind me right now, isn’t it? [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears apparently spends close to $5000 a month on fast food, double-lattes, and spit. [The Naked Celebrity]

Shia LeBeouf was arrested over the weekend for trying to grow a mustache without a permit. Let that be a warning to you, Britney. [Celebrity Nation]

According to this picture of Robert Downey Jr., somebody out there is giving away free pizzas with their hair dye. [Popbytes]

If I were Sherlock Holmes, I’d be using my magnifying glass right now to help Hayden Panettiere find her cleavage. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Score one for consistency: Jennifer Hudson is as delusional as she is fat. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera has finally confirmed her pregnancy and the existence of gravity. Denial masquerading as privacy is fun! [Hollywood Backwash]

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace has finally confirmed that there is no God by having twins this weekend. May Tom Cruise have mercy on us all. [Dlisted]

And finally, here’s Barack Obama on SNL last weekend. That’s Barack Obama — B-A-R-A-C-K – O-B-A-M-A. You know, in case you want to support someone who won’t fuck up the country for a change. Oops, I meant C-O-U-N-T-R-I-E-S.

Now! [Eva Longoria Still Lives Because You Weren't Paying Attention]

Nicolas Cage confronts a naked intruder in his home and apologizes to him for making “The Wicker Man”. Hugs ensue. [Celebrity Nation]

Watching Nicole Richie eat this Kit Kat is like watching water carve out a canyon. [Dlisted]

Kid Rock says Pamela Anderson lied about her miscarriage, which means I ended up celebrating that day for nothing. Bitch. [Hollywood Backwash]

Michelle Pffeifer is hot. That is all. [In Case You Didn't Know]

The last time I saw Brooke Burns in a bikini, I was like, “who the hell is Brooke Burns?” Then I masturbated and all was good. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Brooke Hogan dresses like a cave girl. Duh. [Celebridiot]

Cameron Diaz has a new man in her life and his name is Mr. Low Self-Esteem. Or, as he’s known to his friends, ‘Blind Man’ Pete. [Fundromeda]

I give it one more event like this before Hayden Panettiere bludgeons Kristen Bell to death for stealing her spotlight. [Bizzom]

And finally, here’s Drunky Bonaduce dropping Johnny Fairplay on his head at the Fox Reality Remix Awards last night. How these two assholes ever managed to occupy the same stage without collapsing the known universe, I’ll never know.