Does this mean that Heidi Klum is now qualified to fix my sink? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Looks like some of the Spice Girls have been wearing Britney Spears’ old dresses — or as she likes to call them, “napkins”. [The Star Blogger]

It’s been exactly one year since Tom Cruise made his hostage taking official. [Celebrity Nation]

For someone named Lil’ Kim, she sure has a big head. But then I guess she’d have to since she’s got a whole lot of ugly to carry around. [That Grape Juice]

Amy Winehouse is being criticized for glamourizing cocaine by parading around at 80 pounds with missing teeth. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears will be spending her Thanksgiving in *snort* Miley Cyrus’ bathroom. [Hollywood Backwash]

Britney Spears has hired a private detective to dig up dirt on her ex-husband K-Fed. Cue the backhoe. [Dlisted]

Did you know that the American Music Awards were on last night? I didn’t, but that’s probably because I was too busy sleeping through “Desperate Housewives” and “Brothers & Sisters”. [Bizzom]

And finally, here’s the one highlight from last night’s American Music Awards. If you find yourself still watching after the guy trips and falls, then I think I may know why the kids in the school keep beating you up.

Because I like to torture myself, I decided to sit down and finally watch “Marie Antoinette” tonight. As you may have already guessed, the film stars Kirsten Dunst as the aforementioned Queen of France and Jason Schwartzman as her chubby, stable-boy-banging husband Louis XVI. It was directed by Sofia Coppola, who, to be honest, has a good eye for detail and composition, but is wildy overrated as a filmmaker.

If pressed, I guess I could, in a word, best describe Sofia’s latest directorial effort as aloof and Kirsten Dunst’s performance in it as preoccupied. I could also, in a polite scream, get to the point of this entire post by saying, “Good god, I would rather stick my dick in the rotting, decapitated corpse of Marie-Antoinette herself, then shake Kirsten Dunst’s hand once or even breathe the same air as her.”

It’s like she’s a walking nightmare brought to life. A nightmare I like to call “The Homeless Republican”:

“Please sir, don’t give me any money. I have no one to blame but myself. Helping me would be like helping the terrorists. Please give that five dollars to the defense department instead. Boo!”

Editor’s Note: I’d like to personally thank George Romero and his film “Day of the Dead” for inspiring today’s headline. He makes movies without his daddy’s help.