If you’ve been wondering where Kate Bosworth’s been lately, join the club. I’ve been waiting on my lobster now for at least an hour and she hasn’t even been back once to refill our waters. Okay, my water. I’m ugly and people hate me.*

*probably because I’m always filling up on bread. Hmm, maybe I am a grotesque, friendless bastard because of poor service. Yeah, let’s go with that.

While the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie has already pulled in roughly $135 million more than most people have in their bank accounts – and by “most people”, I certainly don’t mean me since I have already amassed a fortune of well over $136 million from simply playing with myself at sperm clinics the stock market – don’t look for the soul-stealing executives over at Disney to stop their promotional media blitz any time soon.

With a budget in the neighborhood of $225 million, this sequel to the 2003 blockbuster still has quite a way to go before it becomes profitable and, according to the several sources inside my head, Disney is already beginning to make cutbacks until it does. For example, the studio commissary will no longer be serving its popular “Little Mermaid on a bun” with “Pixie Dust” [i.e. gram of coke]. Instead, it will only be served with plain old boring corn, which, if you ask me, is not very magical.

[July 12 Update: Looks like those voices inside my head were right again. According to Variety, Disney is also cutting back its film releases from eighteen a year to just eight and substantially reducing its workforce. Fucking bastards. Now Christmas is ruined for sure.]

So, in an effort to help “the greediest place on earth” earn even more money than that entire island of ancestral criminals and crocodiles currently fighting Mel Gibson for oil in the Southern Hemisphere, I’ve decided to scour the always reliable internet for blatant pieces of POTC advertising masquerading as frivolous gossip and post them here. This way I can secretly brainwash you into spending your last ten dollars on another two and a half hours of rollicking homoerotic pirate fun and not on something you’d probably regret later like food or the medicine for your ugly baby’s ear infection [you know, she’s only going to get uglier so why not just let her go deaf and spare her a lifetime of insults].

Gossip Item #1:

According to my good friends at People, actor Johnny Depp is so committed to his role as Captain Jack Sparrow that he’s actually still walking around with gold teeth in his mouth.

From People:

“Are they gonna stay on?” he said to MTV News. “Only until we’re done filming number three. Then I’ll have to go through the process of yanking them.”

So basically, what it comes down to is this. If you think Johnny Depp’s been banging your wife while you’ve been out banging mine, now would be a damn good time to confront him about it. Because not only will you get to destroy something beautiful like Tyler Durden did in my basement that one time, but you’ll also be able to buy us all a round afterwards with some of those gold teeth rattling around in your pocket.

Gossip Item #2:

Life Style Extra is reporting that actress Keira Knightley did all her own stunts in “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” and enjoyed every minute of it.

From Life Style Extra:

She told BANG Showbiz: “I loved it. I wanted more action in this film. I was desperate to have sword fights all the way through. They did give me one but I don’t think I was very good because I didn’t get as many as I thought I would.

“I really do love action and I do think that if you’re doing an action film you should do as much of the action as possible.”

Judging by her dramatic weight loss, I’m guessing that Keira has officially gone “stunt-crazy” and is currently acting as a real-life stunt double for Nicole Richie. Kind of sad really, but at least she doesn’t have to stand in for the enemas. Or does she? Hmmmm….

Editor’s Note: There is one plus to being Nicole Richie’s real-life stunt double. If you ever encounter Paris Hilton on the street one day, she’s a lot more likely to punch you than lick your vagina.

Gossip Item #3:

Orlando Bloom’s latest squeeze Claire Danes Kate Bosworth has revealed that the two of them have discussed getting married, but have no immediate plans to do so in the future.

From The Irish Examiner:

She says: “It’s certainly on the horizon. I’m not engaged - let’s put it that way. I do know I’m happily in a relationship and there’s nobody else I want to be with. We’re equally supportive of one another which makes any relationship easier and less daunting.”

And this, my friends, is the sneakiest gossip item of them all. By grouping Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth together like this, not only are those shifty Hollywood types promoting both POTC and the new Superman flick, but they’re also showing you a couple who is actually a lot more sexless and mind-numbingly dull than you and your own significant other.

And that makes you feel pretty good, doesn’t it? Hey, I’ve got an idea.

Why don’t the two of you treat yourselves to a movie or something. Maybe even buy some popcorn and that $40 T-shirt behind the counter. After all, a good-looking couple like you really deserves the best. Go for broke, baby. Get the hat too.