Actress Kate Beckinsale recently told Glamour magazine that her eight-year-old daughter Lily likes to play a little game called “spot who’s had Botox” on the mean streets of Los Angeles.

From MSN:

The 33-year-old British actress wants Lily exposed to the reality of plastic surgery at such a young age because she thinks women who undergo the cosmetic procedure look like “monsters”.

Kate told US Glamour magazine: “This is what’s sick about living in Los Angeles. My eight-year-old daughter will point to a woman and say, ‘Look! That woman’s had too much Botox.

“She spots them because they all look a bit like Lord Voldemort from ‘Harry Potter’. “

Oh yeah, now that’s what I call good parenting - nothing like encouraging your eight-year-old daughter to point at complete strangers so she can immediately judge them and make them feel like shit. Which, of course, only leads to more Botox injections, more plastic surgery, and more damn Amber Alerts scrolling across my screen when I’m trying to watch Oprah. Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to masturbate properly if I can’t see her entire body? Her cankles are the best part.

Editor’s Note: Yeah, I know. By writing this blog, I am no better than this spoiled little brat myself. But maybe I would have grown up to be someone a whole lot nicer if only my mother didn’t encourage me to play “point out the whore who’s been sleeping with your father” on the equally mean streets of Buffalo. I swear, by the time I turned 18, my right arm was actually twice as big as my left.

Earlier today at some ungodly hour, actors Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale, and Steve Carell gathered together and announced this year’s Golden Globe nominations from the Beverly Hills Suite in the Beverly Hilton.

Here are a few of the major nominations [followed by remarks so witty, they make grown men pee their pants and/or carve their eyeballs out with grapefruit spoons over breakfast]:

Best Motion Picture – Drama

Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardner
Good Night, And Good Luck
A History Of Violence
Match Point

For those of you who just looked at the above list of films and smiled, let me be the first to congratulate you on having good taste in cinema. As for those that just read the exact same list and shrieked while reaching for the nearest crucifix, let me congratulate you on being a sexually repressed religious conservative who, I am sure, just added the Hollywood Foreign Press Association to your list of enemies somewhere between drive-thu abortion clinics and Janet Jackson’s right breast. May God have mercy on us all!

Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy

Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
The Producers
The Squid And The Whale
Walk The Line

I think we can all agree that “Walk the Line” will easily walk away with the award here. I do think, however, that “The Squid and the Whale” would have been the one to beat if only the producers had called it “The Whale and the Squid” instead. It’s just so much funnier that way.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture - Drama

Russell Crowe - “Cinderella Man”
Philip Seymour Hoffman - “Capote”
Terrence Howard - “Hustle & Flow”
Heath Ledger - “Brokeback Mountain”
David Strathairn - “Good Night, And Good Luck”

Personally, I don’t care who wins in this category as long as the winner accepts the award without a shirt on. And yes, Philip Seymour Hoffman, that goes for you too. Now squeal!

Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture - Drama

Maria Bello - “A History Of Violence”
Felicity Huffman - “Transamerica”
Gwyenth Paltrow - “Proof”
Charlize Theron - “North Country”
Ziyi Zhang - “Memoirs Of A Geisha”

Ditto.

Best Performance By An Actor In A Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy

Pierce Brosnan - “The Matador”
Jeff Daniels - “The Squid And The Whale”
Johnny Depp - “Charlie And The Chocolate Factory”
Nathan Lane - “The Producers”
Cillian Murphy - “Breakfast On Pluto”
Joaquin Phoenix - “Walk The Line”

Although each of the actors here is much deserving of a nomination, I’m going to pick Jeff Daniels to win. This man is not just funny, but funny-looking as well. You just can’t beat ‘em. Ok, well, that’s not exactly true. I did beat him that one time, but only because he was trying to pick up my son with a bag of candy. Hey, that’s what the greedy bastard gets for not offering me any.

Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy

Judi Dench - “Mrs. Henderson Presents”
Keira Knightley - “Pride & Prejudice”
Laura Linney - “The Squid And The Whale”
Sarah Jessica Parker - “The Family Stone”
Reese Witherspoon - “Walk The Line”

What?!? No Tara Reid for “Alone in the Dark”? Oh ok, I forgot. It wasn’t a comedy. Or was it? Ahhhh! I just don’t know. Oh well, here’s hoping she’s nominated for a Golden Globe one day; maybe for washing my car or something. They have those you know.

Best Director - Motion Picture

Woody Allen - “Match Point”
George Clooney - “Good Night, And Good Luck”
Peter Jackson - “King Kong”
Ang Lee - “Brokeback Mountain”
Fernando Meirelles - “The Constant Gardner”
Steven Spielberg - “Munich”

Am I the only one who thinks that they just nominated Steven Spielberg because he’s Steven Spielberg? Kind of like me always having to fuck my girlfriend because she’s my girlfriend and you always having to fuck my girlfriend because she’s your wife.

Best Television Series - Drama

Commander In Chief
Grey’s Anatomy
Lost
Prison Break
Rome

I’m sorry, but why comment on television at all? Only idiots and jerk-offs watch it.

Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Entourage
Everybody Hates Chris
My Name Is Earl
Weeds

It’s nice to see that all my favorite shows were nominated. Too bad they couldn’t have opened up the category a little more and included all of the 125 shows I watch. It would have made my year. And by the way, that’s Mr. Idiot Jerk-Off to you.

For a complete list of all the nominees - check out the official site of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.