Joe Simpson — the father and fondler handler of pop star Jessica Simpson — told People magazine recently that his daughter is talking about going back to her roots by making a country album as a brunette. Ok, so maybe not that last part.

From People:

“Everything in our business is about beats and I think she really wants to sing,” he said, “and country music still believes in that.”

Simpson, 27, recently finished filming Major Movie Star and is turning her thoughts back to her music. Her last album, 2006’s “Public Affair,” hit the Top 20, but quickly fell off the charts.

“She’s a singer from top to bottom,” Joe Simpson said. “And everything in the music business, especially pop music, has moved away from singers. And I think country is the the only pure, storytelling kind of genre left.”

God, I fucking hate country music. But you already knew that, now didn’t you, God? That’s why you went ahead and put this god-awful idea in that big empty head of hers, right? So she could make a country album so bad, its very existence would destroy all of Nashville — including both Dollywood and the Barbara Mandrell museum of big hair? It’s all part of the big plan, right? A necessary evil to obliterate country music once and for all? Right? God? Answer me!

Editor’s Note: Or this news item simply proves once again that there is no God.

Editor’s Reply To Himself: No God? You don’t say.

Before I reveal the correct answer to this little brain teaser of mine, let me first address the many wrong answers that I’m sure were uttered right off the bat.

Answer #1: Lucy Liu

If that was your first guess, then you, my friend, are a racist. To single her out just because she looks like she eats rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner is not only incredibly stupid, but pretty assholish as well. It’s not like I provided audio samples with each picture and you picked her because she talked like this: “Ching chong I hate ching Rosie O’Donnell ching chong ching.” No, you just went on looks alone and that, my racist friend, is wrong.

Answer #2: Debra Messing

Sorry, wrong again. To single her out just because she looks like a third grader who crashed daddy’s office party in her dead mommy’s dress is not only terribly mean, but also quite immature. Flat-chested women have feelings too, you know — just not as many since they have less room to store them in.

Answer #3: Rose McGowan

Close, but no cigar. While Rose does appear to be the only one here who looks as if she’s had painful skin grafts after barely surviving a house fire, it would be wrong to single her out just because she doesn’t know how to freebase properly.

Answer #4: Lindsay Lohan

If you answered Lindsay Lohan because you think she’s the only one coked up in these pictures, then you, my friend, are an idiot. Seriously, turn in your driver’s license, your gas-powered stove, and any pair of scissors you may have lying around the house before you accidentally kill yourself or one of your neighbors.

The correct answer is…

Jessica Simpson. Because you can’t see her earrings. And because she’s the only one I haven’t slept with. Yet.

Game over. Piss off.

Country icon Dolly Parton released a statement earlier today supporting Jessica Simpson and the embarrassing performance she gave at the Kennedy Center Honors last weekend.

From People:

“Jessica is so talented that I’m sure that someday they will be paying tribute to her and I would be honored to perform for her,” Parton said in a statement Thursday. “But I’ll probably be so nervous that I’ll forget my wig!”

On Sunday, Simpson was paying tribute to Parton by singing her famous song before a packed audience, which included President Bush and the First Lady, when she botched the lines and then fled the stage in tears.

“Dolly you make me so nervous. I can’t even sing the words right,” Simpson said at the time.

Let’s forget for a moment that Dolly Parton’s face resembles that of my mask from last month’s Day of the Dead celebration and instead concentrate on who the hell she thinks she’s fooling with that bullshit statement of hers. Me maybe? You? Yeah, not bloody likely.

Sorry Dolly, but unless you count an E! Hollywood story as some kind of tribute, I doubt you’re ever going to get a chance to perform in honor of Jessica Simpson. Unless, of course, she dies in a plane crash right fucking now. Then maybe, just maybe, twenty years from now, people will look back on Jessica Simpson and say, “Wow, that girl had so much potential. Let’s have a tribute.” instead of saying, “Well, if we can’t get Debbie Gibson or Tiffany for the grand opening, how about Jessica Simpson?”

During a tribute for Dolly Parton at last night’s Kennedy Center Honors, singer Jessica Simpson succumbed to a bad case of stage fright after she abruptly ended her rendition of “Nine To Five” with the words “so nervous” before leaving the stage to no applause.

From Associated Press:

She was in tears when she and the other singers in the tribute came back out.

I have a confession to make. Before writing this blog, I really didn’t have much of an idea who Jessica Simspon was.

Sure, I knew she starred on some reality show on a network that catered to those damn kids who were always traipsing across my front lawn with their bad attitudes and loud rock music, but I really didn’t know what she was famous for, who she was married to, or even what she looked like.

In fact, if I was walking down the street with a friend back then and he said, “Hey, look over there. It’s Jessica Simpson.”, I would have probably just turned to him and said, “Oh please, like a black person could ever walk this deep into our neighborhood without being arrested. Save your poor observations for our golf game at the country club.”

Editor’s Note: I decided to cut this post short after thinking about what a joyous time it was for me back then when I didn’t know who Jessica Simpson was. So instead of rambling on about Jessica and her tearful breakdown – which was most likely caused by that notorious heckler Steven Spielberg – I’m just going to bang my head against the wall until I damage the portion of my brain that houses all the information I have on Jessica Ann Simpson from Waco, Texas. I’ll need to be careful though since I believe I may have stored all that information next to that on Britney Spears. And man, how I would hate to lose all that stuff.

UPDATE: Here’s a segment from the always reliable “Inside Edition” which includes clips