Here’s Jessica Alba at the Toronto Film Festival for the premiere of her new film “Bill”. As you can see, she’s appears to be somewhat distracted — which is completely understandable since I just punched her in the back of the head. Why? Because she’s not wearing a bikini, that’s why. In fact, not only is she not wearing a bikini, but she’s wearing a bloody pantsuit instead. With the sleeves rolled up. Like it’s 1984 and she’s about to give Gordon Gekko a handjob. Sexy? You better believe it — if it was 1984!

Sorry Jessica, but we had a deal. You wear tight bikinis and superhero costumes whenever possible, and we, as the male population, make you a big movie star even though you can’t act. So let that punch be a lesson to you because next time I’ll be forced to use my pimp hand. And you know how I only like to use that for lovemaking.

Just a quick update to let everyone know that Jessica Alba has apparently gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend Cash Warren. Well, at least she thinks she has since I’ve been wearing his skin for a while now. And mimicking his voice. Which, to be honest, really isn’t mimicking as much as just remembering to reassure her that she’s hotter than Jessica Biel when asking her for money every day.

Editor’s Note: Forgive me for cutting this post short, but I’m typing this from her bedroom right now and would really hate to wake either her or Angelina. Or the donkey. He’s such a light sleeper.

Well, at least until June 1, 2008. Ok, 2007, ya baby.

For those wondering why, I urge you to read this post and substitute the date “May 22, 2006” with “right fucking now”. That should explain everything well enough. And if it doesn’t, well, look how much I’m caring right now.

FIN

According to an interview with Elle magazine, actress Jessica Alba originally left her faith as a born-again Christian after the church [wrongfully?] accused her of trying to attract men with her body built for sex.

From MSN:

She told Elle magazine: “Older men would hit on me and my youth pastor said it was because I was wearing provocative clothing, when I wasn’t.

“It just made me feel, like, if I was in anyway desirable to the opposite sex, that it was my fault, and it made me ashamed of my body and of being a woman.”

The 25-year-old actress also says she could not accept the church’s attitude towards premarital sex and homosexuality.

Speaking about the Bible, she added: “I thought it was a nice guide, but it certainly wasn’t how I was going to live my life.”

While I am quite happy to see Jessica Alba free from a religion built on guilt and intolerance, I am a bit disappointed that she only left the church so she could continue to wear her Gap specials and tight turtleneck sweaters without being criticized. To leave on that principle alone is like leaving the Nazi party because you don’t like the cookies served at the rallies and not because they just killed ninety percent of your accounting class. It’s definitely the right move; it’s just not as profound as you’d like it to be.

Editor’s Note: Why is it that most people who follow Christianity - or, as I like to call it, the religion that’s launched a thousand wars – continue to misinterpret the teachings of Jesus and the love and forgiveness he preached. It’s like they’re all worshipping some kind of Bizarro Jesus that wishes AIDS on gay people and thinks that Kirk Cameron was robbed of an Oscar nomination for “Left Behind”.

And let me tell you, if the real Jesus was alive today, I highly doubt he would waste his time scolding Jessica Alba for showing off that tight ass of hers. Instead, I’m pretty sure he would spend that time in his basement, brainstorming one hell of a magic trick to impress her and get her into bed. Because that’s what guys do. Just ask my good friend the Pope the next time he’s sober enough to talk. He’ll tell you. And in Latin too.

As someone who has, in the past, frequently adored the bikinied body of Jessica Alba, I must admit that I really wasn’t in that big a hurry to drop my trousers and sin repeatedly over these new photos of her. Not to say I didn’t, mind you, but not nearly as much as I would have if she didn’t look like she just peeked inside the Ark of the Covenant while laughing here.

Seriously, if you’re an otherwise attractive woman whose face looks as if it might melt and recede back to the base of your skull when you laugh, then you probably shouldn’t do it anymore. Unless, of course, someone mentions that your hair shares the same color with that of dog shit in the sand, then sure, go ahead and laugh because it’s usually pretty funny if it does. Just ask Colonel Dietrich here.

Editor’s Note: If you’re brave enough, I dare you to click on the above photograph and visit Jessica Alba’s mouth at a higher resolution. Not only will you get to see an unacceptable case of the Cavity Creeps on her right side, but you’ll also wonder what the hell that funky yellow stuff is deep on her left side. Which, if I were to guess, would have to be kernels since she looks a lot like a fucking scarecrow who’s been pilfering corn again.