[Jennifer Aniston & Courteney Cox - Leaving Nobu Restaurant in Malibu / June 23, 2007 - Click To Enlarge]

[Scarlett Johansson - Loitering with Josh Hartnett in NYC / August 2, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

If you enlarge these photographs, you will see that Scarlett Johansson is not only eating an ice cream cone, but also sporting one hell of a nose ring. Or is it a magnet? They make those for cocaine, you know. Hey, where did Lindsay go?

[Halle Berry - Hollywood / July 31, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Remember all those rumors last week about Halle Berry being pregnant? Well, it appears she went ahead with the abortion. Fucking murderer. I bet she cuts the mold off her cheese too.

[Julia Stiles - The Grand Classics Screening of “Cool Hand Luke” / August 1, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Ok, decision time: should I mock Julia Stiles for having the fashion sense of my grandmother or applaud her for watching a classic film like “Cool Hand Luke”? You know, I think I’m going to applaud her. If only because I don’t like to make fun of disfigured people.

[Jennifer Aniston - Look out! She Has A Puppy! / August 2, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

I know Jennifer Aniston is a humorless bitch, but was it really necessary for her to throw the poor puppy off the balcony like that. It’s not like it named itself Brad.

[Tara Reid - X-Games Kick-Off Party / August 3, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

I thought I’d go ahead and ruin everybody’s day by posting these pictures of Tara Reid. As you can see, she’s still the grossest thing on two legs. And by legs, I mean penises. Desperate penises.

[Jennifer Aniston - Academy Award Presenter & Brad Pitt’s Ashtray - Click To Enlarge]

Why is Jennifer Aniston allowed to present an Oscar at the Academy Awards? Isn’t she primarily a television actress? Sure, she may have made a few films, but most of them have been complete and utter crap. I mean, why not just pay some guy ten bucks to roll out a wheel barrel full of cow manure and dump it onto the stage. I’m sure if the award recipients had a choice, they would rather dig for their statuettes in that pile of shit than to accept them from someone who shows up on television every night opposite “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune”.

[Jennifer Garner - Academy Award Presenter & Recent Breeder - Click To Enlarge]

I guess I could say that exact same thing about Jennifer Garner, but I won’t since I actually enjoy her television show. In fact, I’m kind of bummed to see “Alias” ending its five year run at the end of this season. While I’m sure you can blame its demise on a number of things, I personally put the blame of Ben Affleck and his inability to keep his dick in his pants. I’ll never understand why actors and actresses have to keep putting their needs [i.e. starting a family] before the needs of me and my television watching. How selfish can you get?

Editor’s Note: You know what, Ben? If I knew you were looking to impregnate someone, I would have simply introduced you to Oprah. Then we would have both gotten what we wanted.

[Ziyi Zhang - Academy Award Presenter & Enjoyer Of Anonymity - Click To Enlarge]

See that creepy-looking woman holding the gold purse behind the lovely Ziyi Zhang? I have it on good authority that Meg Ryan has hired that woman to follow poor Ziyi around until she gets pregnant and has a baby. From there, I think you can figure out the rest.

[Salma Hayek - Academy Award Presenter & Enemy Of The English Language - Click To Enlarge]

In all seriousness, I’ve never found Salma Hayek to be that hot. Probably because she’s the spitting image of my sister and for me to find her hot would just be plain wrong. And I’m not just talking morally or ethically wrong here. I’m talking like really, really, really, really wrong. Like Sean Hannity wrong.