[Jake Gyllenhaal - Los Angeles / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal has everything he needs for tonight’s date with Kirsten Dunst - although if I was him, I’d be a little leery on the strength of that paper bag.  After all, Kirsten has some pretty big chompers on her and could probably eat right through that sucker if she really wanted to.

[Jessica Alba - Beverly Hills / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Now I’m not exactly sure, but if I was to guess I’d say that these photographs were taken outside of Jessica Alba’s residence in Beverly Hills.  And if that’s the case, I may actually have a pretty good chance of figuring out her security code so I can finally break into her home and cook her breakfast one morning.

Because as we all know, when a woman lives alone and wakes up to the smell of bacon in the morning, only two explanations will cross her mind.  Either her no-good brother Tyler is finally back from Iraq or the man of her dreams is currently standing in the middle of her kitchen naked, making her an incredible breakfast for having such a great ass personality.

[Penelope Cruz - “Volver” Premiere in Madrid / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Penelope Cruz is not hot.  In fact, Penelope Cruz has always looked like a withered up old man to me.  Kind of like the ones you would find in an old “spaghetti western” directed by Sergio Leone.  The only difference though is that those men were probably a lot better looking when they were younger while Penelope Cruz has always looked like that.  And that’s got to be kind of depressing for her since she’s only going to look worse as she gets older.

Unless, of course, she’s really from Ork and she’s supposed to look like an old man at 30 because she actually ages backwards.  Which means when she’s 65, she’ll probably look a lot like Ralph Macchio and that would be cool because, hey, who doesn’t like Ralph Macchio?  Ok, besides the Cobra Kai.

Editor’s Note:  Yes, I completely agree.  That was the stupidest thing you’ve ever read.

[Jennifer Love Hewitt - “Ring of Fire” Premiere / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Anyone care to guess how long it took Jennifer Love Hewitt to realize that the play she was watching was not actually called “Play Bill”?

[Zooey Deschanel - In Style / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Well, it appears that all the technical difficulties I’ve been having lately completely wiped out my comments on the lovely Zooey Deschanel. Therefore, I am filling this space with nothing more than this piss poor explanation because I really can’t remember anything that was written last night now that I have completely sobered up. Something you should really be thankful for since this month’s posts have been about as entertaining as having sex with Nicole Kidman.

Editor’s Note: Come on, you know she just lays there when she’s doing it.

[Heath Ledger - Best Actor Nominee - Click To Enlarge]

Heath, you idiot! You’re supposed to wear your secret pirate pin inside your lapel, not outside where everyone can see it. Have you learned nothing from Steve McQueen’s motorcycle finale in “The Great Escape”? Now everybody knows you’re a pirate. Way to go. I hope you enjoy your own hanging.

Whenever Jake Gyllenhaal smiles, he reminds me of the disabled puppet that used to address my class in third grade and teach us that people with disabilities were really no different than anyone else. Something I always disagreed with until the day I tried to use a paraplegic’s wallet as my own personal ATM machine and ended up in the hospital with a pair of cracked ribs and some internal bleeding.

[Jake Gyllenhaal - Best Supporting Actor Nominee - Click To Enlarge]

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