Yes, you read the headline right. I, Erich von Stroheim, want to marry Hilary Swank. Although to be perfectly honest, I’m not exactly sure why. I think it might be because she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Or maybe it’s because she’s blessed with this wonderful personality that you just can’t help but fall in love with.

Hilary Swank, will you make me the happiest man on earth and be my wife? Please?

Editor’s Note: You know, it’s funny. Ten minutes ago, I could have sworn that I hated Hilary Swank. In fact, I think that’s why I was going to post this picture – to mock her for being a two-time Oscar winning actress and the love of my life. Wait, what?

Damn these headaches, I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. All I keep seeing is swirling and swirling and swirling and tits and swirling and swirling and more tits and…

Actress Hilary Swank continued her relentless push for her new film “The Reaping” yesterday by appearing on Fuse’s “The Sauce”, a television show that apparently caters to alcoholics from the 1940’s and Italian mothers who love to cook. Highlights included showing everybody how she used to suck off ex-husband Chad Lowe by having him insert his penis into the small hole formed by her tongue [the top picture] and why it’s damn near impossible for her to do the same thing with her current boyfriend [the bottom picture].

Editor’s Note: I’m even bigger.

Two time Oscar winner Hilary Swank was injured on the set of her new movie “PS I Love You” recently after the braces on the suspenders of co-star Gerard Butler snapped and hit her in the forehead.

From Contact Music:

She says, “It came undone and flung across the room and hit me in the forehead… I had stitches. “Blood is trickling down my head and it left a perfect suspender mark - you know, the jagged edge of a suspender and then the straight edge.”

When you’re as ugly as Hilary Swank, the last thing you really need is a scar on your forehead to make matters worse. Although I guess it could also work to your advantage if you wanted to try and fool people into thinking that you’re ugly because you were in that car with Montgomery Clift, or that you could never keep your husband’s dinner warm. That kind of stuff is much more acceptable than being ugly because of something unforgivable like genetics or being from Michigan. Believe me, I know. My face looks like Tom Arnold’s ass after he sat on a pizza. Or maybe it looks like I was beaten by my wife for doing my flawless Buddy Hackett impression during sex again. See, that second statement instantly made my ugliness seem a whole lot more acceptable. Now pity me, bitch. Mr. Ugly needs some love.

Editor’s Note: I’m tired.

Editor’s Note Deux: I updated this post today after some much needed rest. It just sings now, doesn’t it? Hey, don’t be mean.

In what can only be seen as a concentrated effort to kill what’s left of her ex-husband’s increasingly hopeless career, actress Hilary Swank openly confessed to Vanity Fair that her marriage to actor Chad ‘Tears’ Lowe suffered irrevocable damage after she learned he was secretly abusing an unknown substance that, if I was to guess, was most likely either Chanel No. 5 or Draino.

From People:

“I knew something was happening but I didn’t know what,” Swank tells Vanity Fair magazine. She also says her ex has been fighting his problem for years, and he is sober now. She does not name what substance he abused.

But, she says in excerpts from the interview obtained by the New York Post, “When I found out, it was such a shock because I never thought he’d keep something from me. And yet, on another level, it was a confirmation of something I was feeling that was keeping us from being completely solid.”

She goes on to say, “I don’t want to make it seem like that’s the sole reason; there were other factors. But that just kind of blew it open. It made me look at things a lot deeper. That’s when you realize it’s not going to work.”

Representatives for Lowe, 38, could not be reached for comment on the article.

I don’t know about you guys, but when Hilary’s divorce is officially finalized, I’m a-goin’ courting. To have a woman like that in my life – a woman who freely discusses not only her own problems in public but mine as well – would be an absolute kick at dinner parties.

I can see it now. Like a scene out of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”. Only instead of Hilary just stumbling around drunk and berating me at great lengths about what a weak little man I am, she’d be a whole lot more passive-aggressive. Kind of like…

Dinner Guest #1: “Hilary, this chicken is delicious. I love hot and spicy things.”

Me: “I agree, Dinner Guest #1. I love hot and spicy things myself.”

Hilary: “Yeah, as long as it’s not in the bedroom.”

[canned laughter]

Dinner Guest #2: “So Hilary, did you and Erich feel that earthquake tremor last night?”

Hilary: “Oh yes, it was the most our bed’s moved in years.”

[more canned laughter]

Me: “Well, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m late for an appointment.”

Hilary: “At where, Erich? The morgue?”

Me: “No, your mother’s not accepting visitors today. I’m just going upstairs to see if Janet and Chrissy have this month’s rent yet.”

Hilary: “Well, be sure to make it quick. You know, like our wedding night.”

Oh yes, that would be so much fun. At least until I bashed her head in with a bowling ball.

[cue sirens]