It’s been a tough year for Heather Graham. First, she stood by and watched as ABC cancelled her new show “Emily’s Reasons Why Not” after just one episode and weeks of late night whoring, and now she finds herself sitting in a movie theater in the Hamptons, too spaced out to promote a film that’s sure to hit DVD faster than Britney hits K-Fed when he spills something on her “brand new fucking carpet again!”

So, since I’m such a caring and sensitive guy whose heart often breaks when seeing someone this sad, I’ve decided that the next time I cross paths with Heather on the Upper West Side, I’m going to refrain from spitting on her like I usually do and instead offer to take her to lunch. Something that shouldn’t be all that difficult since all I’ll have to do is reach inside my man-purse, pull out a handful of chicken feed, and throw it onto the sidewalk. Hell, maybe I’ll even stand there for a while and say “here chick, chick, chick” while she eats. After all, I’m sure she could probably use the company too.

Editor’s Note: You’re probably wondering why I’ve been spitting on Heather Graham all this time. Well, it’s because she did two episodes of “Growing Pains” early in her career and I can’t help but spit on anyone even remotely associated with that piece of shit show. That includes you too, Leo. Martin Scorsese can’t hide you forever.

Claim To Fame: Being touched in the married way by both Mark Wahlberg and Robert Downey Jr. in the same year: 1997’s “Boogie Nights” and “Two Girls and a Guy“.

What She Was Peddling: Her new ABC comedy “Emily’s Reasons Why Not” - a show many people are calling just another clone of “Sex in the City”. Something I disagree with of course, especially since Heather does not have the face of a horse, alien junkie, or my grandmother’s withered ass.

Musical Accompaniment: “Love Rollercoaster” by The Ohio Players

What I Was Humming: “Wake Up Wendy” by Elton John

Question Asked By Dave: “What is Tae-Bo?”

Her Answer: “I don’t know. Isn’t it Karate or…yeah?”

Question I Would Have Asked: “Would you go out with me?”

Her Most Likely Answer: [after five minutes of laughter] “No.”

Strangest Word She Used: “poochie” - as in “I got like a poochie stomach.”

Strangest Word I Screamed At My TV: “corpses” - as in “I’ve seen corpses with better color and less lipstick.”

What Paul Schaffer Was Probably Doing Through The Entire Interview: Wishing Heather was still stuck in that motel ceiling from “Drugstore Cowboy”.

Final Thoughts:

If Heather Graham’s a pig than I guess that makes Anna Nicole Smith a gamma-radiated boar. Anna smash[ed]!