Ok, so supposedly Gwyneth Paltrow injured her knee recently and had to undergo knee(?) surgery to correct it. How or when this happened still remains a mystery, but that’s okay since I’m sure it’s just some big ol’ ruse anyway.

Yeah, that’s right, Gwyenth – I’m totally on to you. Sure, I may look half-retarded because I cut my own hair and drool at the sight of just about everything, but that doesn’t mean I’m not observant or drunk only half the day. I know a con when I see one, and you, my dear, are faking it.

There was never any knee injury /surgery / crying like a bitch, was there? You just concocted the whole thing so you could walk around with crutches and touch as little American soil as possible. After all, according to you, America is a dirty capitalistic society with contagions of greed and stupidity around every corner. Not that I’m disagreeing with you, mind you, but I was just wondering why you didn’t go with a wheelchair instead. They come in spoiled, privileged pink now, you know.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin celebrated the birth of their second child this weekend by actually cutting the poor kid a break and not naming him after a piece of fruit. Instead, the couple chose to name their newborn son Moses Martin; thereby giving the boy just enough incentive to take up boxing at an early age so he can one day become heavyweight champion of the world.

From BBC News:

He was born at the weekend in New York and is a healthy baby, said Paltrow’s spokesman, who refused to say whether the birth was a caesarean section.

After the couple’s daughter Apple was born, the actress said she did not understand the fuss about the name.

Moses is a song on Coldplay’s Live 2003 album, said to have been written by Martin for his Oscar-winning wife.

So Gwyneth Paltrow’s spokesperson will neither confirm nor deny that the birth was a C-section. I guess you all know what that means: they cut the pretentious bitch open at noon and she was having tea by one. How wonderfully English of her, the cunt.

But don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have anything against C-sections in general. In fact, the whole thing sounds like a perfectly logical solution to an otherwise painful problem. What I do have a problem with, however, is Gwyneth Paltrow naming her son Moses without even letting him earn the name by at least parting her vagina. I mean, if you don’t have faith in your son doing something as easy and as natural as that, then you really have no business in naming him after a man who parted a whole fucking sea.

Editor’s Note: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Technically, it was God who parted the Red Sea at Moses’ request. But you know what? It’s all technically bullshit anyways, so who the fuck cares.