[Hilary Swank - April 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

If these hi-res photographs of actress Hilary Swank tell us anything, it’s that her marriage to crybaby Chad Lowe is finally over and she’s officially open for business. The only thing missing here is a sign taped to her belly saying “This Space for Rent”.

[Gillian Anderson - Broadcasting Press Awards / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Now that “The X-Files” has been over for awhile and all the hype surrounding star Gillian Anderson has finally waned, I think we can all agree that she was never as hot as some fans would have liked you to believe. In fact, if you ask me, she always looked kind of like a frog or toad to me. So much so that I actually sought her out at a sci-fi convention once just so I could lick her back to see if I could get high, which, unfortunately, I didn’t. On the plus side though, I did meet plenty of inmates after that incident that were more than happy to get me high in exchange for just one pack of cigarettes and a blowjob. A real bargain if you ask me, especially in this day of climbing gas prices and crazy state tobacco tax laws.

[Jessica Alba - West Hollywood / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

God knows I’m no expert on cell phones, but it would appear to me that it might just be more comfortable for Jessica Alba to hold the phone to her ear than to connect a headset to it and then hold it out with one arm. Kind of like how it would be a lot more comfortable for her if she just took her clothes off for a living instead of trying to be an actress. Oh, wait…

[Natalie Portman - On The Set Of “Mr. Majorium’s Magical Emporium” / April 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

According to several reports, these photographs supposedly show actress Natalie Portman saving co-star Jason Bateman’s pet dog [a Boston Terrier to be exact] from being hit by a pick-up truck on the set of their new film “Mr. Majorium’s Magical Emporium”.

Ok, just so everyone knows – these reports are complete rubbish. Not only would Natalie Portman never be caught slumming with the likes of Jason Bateman, but I know for a fact that Jason has been busy all month working on another film. It’s called “Teen Wolf Too 2” and it’s currently being shot on location in my basement. Look for it to open in the late November so we can turn our critical acclaim into some cool Oscar nominations.

[Rebecca Romijn - In Style / April 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

I’m going straight to hell in a handbasket. This I know. And believe me, nothing I do will ever change this fact. However, it still doesn’t mean that I don’t feel bad about some of the things I’ve done and why I sometimes feel the need to apologize for them so…

Rebecca,

Please accept my apologies for calling you “Rebecca Ro-MAN” all through high school just because you were tall and had a dick. It was really mean and not even that funny so sorry.

Erich von Stroheim