In an interview with Newsweek’s Nicki Gostin, actor-director George Clooney has finally revealed the special grooming habits that may have helped him in being named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time in ten years.

From Newsweek:

You seem like a regular guy. Any special grooming habits?
I wash my face with a bar of soap. And I cut my own hair.

How do you do that?
With a pair of scissors.

I mean, how do you cut the back?
Something sticks out and you snip it. Though once in a while a buddy will say, “Dude, you need someone to cut your hair.”

Given George Clooney’s notoriously dry sense of humor, it’s always difficult to tell whether he’s being serious in an interview or whether he’s just joking. Take, for example, the time he said he did all his own singing in “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” or that other time he denied being a caveman from the year 1000 BC who once clubbed a time traveler to death over a device with lots of blinking lights on it. He may have been clearly lying in both instances, but that still didn’t stop millions of people from believing that he was one hell of a country singer or that he was born in the 20th century.

In this case, however, it should be clear to everyone – even you, John – that George is not being at all truthful here and is simply trying to be funny. Yeah, I know. I can’t stop laughing either. But do you want to know what’s really funny? The fact that George is rich enough to wash his face with a bar of gold, but instead chooses to wash it with the hearts of young Republican children because he thinks it will help him look younger.

Well, ha, ha, ha, George. The joke’s on you. You still look like shit and I know the whereabouts of all the bodies. Call me.

As any democrat can tell you, wishes just don’t come true. Instead, they just fester inside your head like a boil of bad ideas until you finally snap one day and find yourself writing love letters to Jodie Foster or trying to save all of New Orleans with a red cup. And if wishing is indeed that pathological then someone really needs to find George Clooney as soon as possible because I think he’s about to play God.

According to Contact Music, George Clooney, who recently split from model Lisa Snowden, wishes he could take the different parts of actresses he has worked with in the past and create the perfect woman out of them.

From Contact Music:

He says, “The ideal woman is a mixture.

“She should have Nicole Kidman’s laughter, then the personality of Julia Roberts and the aspect of Michelle Pfeiffer, the quintessence of beauty.

“And finally the ambition of Jennifer Lopez.”

What I find most troubling about this whole situation is that George has starred on two shows called “ER” and might actually think he has the surgical skills to put together his ideal woman. Something that is probably not the case considering he can barely hold a bottle of scotch without shaking.

What I find least troubling about this whole situation, however, is that George wants to build his ideal woman out of actresses I wish were dead anyway. And if that’s the case, I should only encourage him to do so. Sure, there’s always an outside chance that the whole thing might work and he might inadvertently create the most annoying celebrity ever; but if he does, I’ll just go down to the lake and drown the first little girl I see. After that, it should only take the townspeople about a day to finger the blame on George Clooney’s new ideal woman before pulling out the torches and burning them both alive in his Hollywood bungalow.