Before Felicity Huffman became an Emmy winner and Oscar nominee, she was just another middle-aged actress struggling to win guest roles on mediocre television shows like “Frasier” and “The West Wing”. That is until 2004, when she wisely joined the cast of ABC’s “Desperate Housewives” and immediately became a household name - if, of course, you can call phrases like “you know, the ugly one with all the kids” or “the old one with the broken nose” household names.

According to Contact Music, Felicity Huffman has always been well-aware of how ugly she is and even broke down crying after viewing pre-launch publicity shots for her hit show “Desperate Housewives” because she thought she looked like a worn-out old hag next to her sexy co-stars.

From Contact Music:

She says, “Everyone came and took pictures of beautiful Teri and Nicolette and Eva. “The first hour I was like, ‘This is so funny - nobody wants to take a picture of me.’ “The second hour my nose was a little out of joint. “By the third hour, I hated it. I called my husband from the limo, crying, ‘I am the oldest and ugliest one here.’ “And he said, “Baby, I’m always the oldest and ugliest on the set. And it’s only going to get worse.’ “I just loved him for that.

In all fairness, Felicity Huffman is far from the ugliest housewife on the show. In fact, if I was to list the five actresses on the show in terms of beauty, personality, and that always classy “fuckability” factor, it would have to go like this:

[FYI: Clicking on each actress’ name will take you to a series of nude screenshots so you can judge for yourself. Well, except for Eva Longoria. For her, you’ll just have to settle on screenshots of her in a bikini kissing another girl. Yes, I know. Life is hard.]

1. Eva Longoria:

Not many people would disagree with me on this one, especially since she’s the youngest of the lot and looks a lot like Tony Orlando if you catch her at just the right angle.

2. Felicity Huffman:

Check out those nude screenshots and you’ll soon realize why I put Felicity at number two. Yep, that’s right – nipples like stacks of dimes.

3. Nicollette Sheridan:

If they every make a live action film out of “Foghorn Leghorn”, Nicollete could easily be the star. And remember kids – “Give a hoot! Don’t pollute!” You know, I probably shouldn’t have wrote any of that. Next thing you know, I’ll be getting a cease and desist letter from her attorney at law Harvey Birdman. Birds of a feather…

4. Marcia Cross:

Yes, she has a rocking body, but she also has a face like Bela Lugosi. And if you think that’s bad, wait until the morphine runs out.

5. Teri Hatcher:

The very definition of “fugly”. She looks like the end result of some crazy Nazi experiment to cross a basset hound with a concentration camp survivor. A look she could easily change if she would just sit down and eat a god damn sandwich.

Editor’s Note: Ok, so I lied. I made my decision solely on looks alone. But only because I have never met any of these women and for me to judge them on the personalities of the characters they play would have just been plain wrong. Not like judging them on their looks. That’s totally fair and balanced. Just like Fox News. And the Bible. When you’re drunk.

If the government ever goes ahead with its plan to give out boob stamps one day instead of food stamps, there is definitely going to be a lot less ugly women in the world and a whole lot more dead children. And while the trade-off would appear to be more than appropriate considering that most of these children will only grow up to rob you one day, I can’t help but fear that many of the women, if given the choice, would simply end up choosing the commonality of food over the fun of having wonderfully enormous boobs to fondle. Not unlike the choice Felicity Huffman once made; if you throw out all that government involvement and offers of free cheese.

From The Daily Star:

“I was offered a free operation. My own are very small but you know they have been with me through thick and thin.”

Ok, what I really want to know is: who the hell is going around and offering rich celebrities free boob jobs? I mean, come on, they’re rich celebrities for crying out loud. If anyone can afford a boob job, it’s them.

At the very least, I hope these same plastic surgeons go around and offer free boob jobs to poor people too. After all, there are plenty of them out there and many of them would greatly benefit from some nice new breasts. Take Hank - the homeless man who lives outside my office in the box from my big screen TV - for example. Here’s a man who could truly reap all the rewards of a free boob job. Sure, he’s a man and everything, but who cares. As long as he has breasts, other men will have to throw money at him. They won’t know why and probably cry in confusion, but every last one of them will do it and Hank will walk away with millions.

Scientists call it an uncontrollable reflex. Like writing this blog. And being an asshole.