[Evangeline Lilly - Heathrow Airport / July 3, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Source: [Female First]

[Evangeline Lilly - The New Face of Michelle K Footwear / June 15, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Source: [Contact Music]

[Evangeline Lilly - Elle UK June 2006 / Max May 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

[Evangeline Lilly - In Style May 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

[Evangeline Lilly - Elle May 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

[Evangeline Lilly - April 3, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

If you think Evangeline Lilly looks kind of worn out and tattered here, you’re not alone. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say these photographs were taken long before she became a big television star with lots of money. But since that’s obviously not the case, I guess the only other plausible explanation for why she looks like shit is that she’s Canadian.

Editor’s Note: Please allow me to apologize in advance to any Canadians I may have offended with the above comment. It was terribly uncalled for. As penance I promise to watch a full 24 hours of culturally sensitive animation produced by the National Film Board of Canada and not fall asleep*.

*And just so were clear, drinking until I pass out is usually not considered to be the same thing as falling asleep so don’t even think about giving me any shit about it.

[Kate Beckinsale - Santa Monica / April 9, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Oh my god, Kate Beckinsale is smoking in front of her daughter. Somebody alert the authorities before the poor kid gets cancer and dies right there on the sidewalk. In fact, while we’re all waiting for the cops to get here in their environmentally safe cars, let’s all start a petition to have the kid taken away from her. Maybe if we’re lucky, we can get her thrown into that old women’s prison near the environmentally safe shoe factory with the environmentally safe smoke stack.

Here – I’ll sign first:

Erich von Douchebag

[Sophia Loren - April 6, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Note to Hilary Swank: Next time you want to draw attention to your breasts without looking like an aging hooker at a wet T-shirt contest, try using some of the more subtle techniques shown here by the lovely Sophia Loren.

First, find a wonderfully tight shirt like the one she’s wearing here and a nice BRA to go along with it. I can’t stress enough the importance of a BRA here because without it, you might as well just forget the whole thing. Remember Hilary, you’re not the only one in the world with enormous nipples so don’t be in such a hurry to show them off. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure my dog has bigger nipples than you and she’s not even half your size.

Second, make sure that wonderfully tight shirt is white. This way when your enormous bosom produces a shadow, it will be visible enough to add some welcome definition to an otherwise droopy chest. Of course, if you have a tendency to whore around a lot or just can’t keep yourself from putting mustard on that hot dog, then I would definitely go with something more yellow here. After all, nothing kills a conversation quicker than a mysterious yellow stain.

And finally, don’t forget to hang a pair of glasses between those breasts, because nothing screams “look at my tits” louder than a reflective inanimate object usually reserved for doing smart things like reading or algebra.

[Jessica Simpson - Sydney / April 10, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Hey Jessica, I have a text message for you.

WEARING WHITE DOES NOT
TURN YOU BACK INTO A VIRGIN.

ONLY HAVING SEX UPSIDE DOWN AND
BACKWARDS WITH A REAL VIRGIN CAN DO THAT.

SO LET ME KNOW…

ERICH

[Ashlee Simpson - Sydney / April 10, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Today, I weep for the Australians. If only because no country should ever have to endure a visit by both Simpson sisters at the same time. Well, except for maybe Canada.

[Evangeline Lilly - Hawaii / Feb. 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

When I first saw this series of photographs, I thought that someone had finally captured proof that fairies really do exist. Then, of course, I looked a little closer and realized I was a complete fucking idiot. This wasn’t a real live fairy I was looking at. It was just actress Evangeline Lilly from the hit ABC show “Lost”. Or at least that’s what I thought before I put my glasses on.

Now, I am almost positive that what we have here is one of those walking trees from the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. It’s actually pretty obvious once you realize that only a tree trunk has dimensions that thick and that narrow. Which I guess explains the reason for the tutu on the bikini. Because when you’re a tree, you’ll do anything to flesh those hips of yours; even if it means looking like a six-year old girl from the year 1963.

Editor’s Note: Yes, I am well aware that by simply skipping to the last photograph, you would instantly realize that the subject in question is, in fact, one of those walking trees if only because it’s being hugged by a hobbit. So spare me the e-mails, guys. My inbox is already overflowing with messages calling me a complete fucking idiot.

[Lindsay Lohan - 10th Annual GM Celebrity Fashion Show / Feb. 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Want a hi-res look at Lindsay Lohan’s right breast? Then go head and click that first photograph. And don’t forget to keep an eye out for her nipple. You might just see that too.

So, how was it? Did you see everything? Good. Now get back to your fractions, you dirty little boy. I’m calling up your mom and telling her what you just did.

[Eva Longoria - 10th Annual GM Celebrity Fashion Show / Feb. 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Do I have to write something about Eva Longoria? She’s just way too overexposed at the moment. Ok, fine. But let’s make it quick.

Photo #1: She’s got a dead cat for hair.

Photo #2: “Alien”

Photo #3: Contrapposto has never looked so weightless.

Photo #4: She’s either drunk or stroking out. You decide.

Photo #5: Let’s see her show that ass of hers off in 10 years. Hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.

[Milla Jovovich - 2006 New York Comic Con / Feb. 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Is it just me or does Milla Jovovich look really oily here? I mean, look at that shine coming off her forehead. She could do some serious coal mining here.

Damn, I can’t believe I just wrote that. I can be such a dick sometimes. Milla, please forgive me for making such a tasteless comment. I should have never made that coal mining crack given your own tragic history in the abandoned tunnels under the city of New York. As a C.H.U.D. advocate myself, I am well aware of the trials and tribulations you face in trying to integrate yourself into our society and I should have been a lot more sensitive to your mutant feelings. So please, once again, accept my apologies.

Editor’s Note: I think Milla is really coming along here. In that second photograph, she looks a lot less like a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller and more like that guy from the original “The Hills Have Eyes”. Way to go, Milla! You’re looking more and more human every day.

[Victoria Beckham - Vanidad / March 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Another day, another Victoria Beckham spread in a foreign magazine. I guess this means that if there’s ever a Spice Girls reunion tour one day, we can count on them playing all the best venues in Europe and all the best bar mitzvahs here in America. Because as far as I know, Americans really have no idea who Victoria Beckham is - aside from the fact that she’s married to some guy who likes to play with his feet a lot. A pastime we Americans will never understand unless someone invents a shoe gun one day and sells it at a reasonable price.