Say what you will about Eva Longoria, but you have to admit she cleans photoshops up well. Although I guess one could argue that Bebe Sport could have easily gotten the same effect from an exceptionally tan mannequin, given that Eva’s expression here is about as vacant as my upcoming funeral.

Yes, sadly, I’ve been diagnosed with assholetitis. My doctor says I have about six months to a year before someone beats me to death.

Editor’s Note: So, am I to assume that Bebe Sport is trying to appeal to Scientologists with this ad. Because I honestly can’t see myself using this stuff unless I was in space. Or married to Roger Vadim.

To be perfectly honest, I deliberately picked this photograph from the twelve or so below because I personally found it to be the least flattering of the bunch. Not that this should surprise any of you given my predilection for general assholeness, but sometimes I just like to go ahead and point out the obvious.

Like why is Eva Longoria wasting all that precious suntan oil on her not-so-perfect ass when there’s a war on? Doesn’t she realize that the price of oil is closing in on almost $80 a barrel? I bet you she doesn’t even use an air popper to pop her popcorn either.

Looks like Bush was right again; Eva Longoria is a selfish bitch.

Editor’s Observation: Maybe it’s because I’m drunk all the time, but I believe this is the first time I’ve noticed that cross tattoo on her lower back. How wonderfully neo-Nazi of her.

And yes, of course there’s a shot of Eva bending over and spreading her ass cheeks below. It’s Eva Longoria we’re talking about here. All it takes is one click and a flash before she’s bending over like a blooming peacock.

Here’s some more shots of Eva Longoria hanging out in St. Tropez – a vacation spot in the south of France. It’s important to note her location here because I am almost positive that Eva is parading around in this bathing suit just so she can attract the attention of director Roman Polanski.

Sorry Eva, but the last time I partied with Roman, it was pretty clear that he was into thirteen-year-olds, not eight-year-olds. Maybe you can try again next year after you buy your first training bra.

Extra Special Note To Eva Longoria: Stop milking it already and just get in the fucking water. You’re worse than that litter of kittens I drowned last month.

Damn you, racism! Your ugly inaccuracies confound me once again. What good are you and your wonderfully well-thought out stereotypes if every time I turn around, they are proven wrong by vacation photos and ABC sitcoms?

Clearly, Eva Longoria has no interest in wading through this water — even if it means a chance at a better life like you so often claim. In fact, I’m pretty sure vacationing in St. Tropez constitutes as one of the better lives out there — at least from where I’m sitting [the south of my parent’s basement].

And don’t, for one minute, expect me to help you out by photoshopping a burrito or maraca in her hand either. If you can’t keep up with the times and adjust your propaganda accordingly, then you can just kiss my white Irish ass. Which, to be honest, would be bright fucking red after about ten minutes on that beach. But you already knew that, now didn’t you?

Editor’s Note: Sorry for not writing more, but my love for the drink just led to a fistfight with my brother on the front lawn.

And by the inside, I don’t mean just beyond that thick layer of makeup she’s always wearing, but deep inside where that huge heart of hers lies. You know, the one that has captivated the minds of millions of men everywhere and was instrumental in helping her land that role on “Desperate Housewives” even though her acting resume at the time was limited to kissing another woman in a bikini and putting on a play with all the other kids in the neighborhood to save the old barn. In fact, thanks to the warmth of her glowing personality, Maxim even put her on the cover of their Hot 100 issue last year and then blew the whole thing up in a Nevada desert to remind aliens everywhere that the human race is all about beauty on the inside, not on the outside.

Special Note to Eva Longoria: I was just joking. You are obviously where you are today because you look great in makeup, which is to say you look like shit without it. So unless you want to add “The Surreal Life” to your resume within the next two years, I would suggest not being photographed without makeup again.

Editor’s Note: Man, and I thought it was tough to masturbate to pictures of Sharon Tate after seeing crime photos of the Manson murders. That’s going to be a walk in the park compared to this.