If, of course, you’re the one responsible for cutting her hair or selling her that bikini of Playdough colors.

Special Note to Elisha Cuthbert: No, fuck you and the viral marketing campaign that convinced me to see “Captivity“. I still can’t believe that piece of shit was directed by Roland Joffe. He did “The Killing Fields“, for Christ’s sake. What did you ever do besides Kiefer Sutherland, and obviously, Roland Joffe?

If you replaced that hockey stick with a giant dildo, you’d have a pretty accurate snapshot of the dream I had last night during the Presidential Address. And - if you wanted to get really authentic - I guess you could also replace the lumpy figure of Elisha Cuthbert with that of the Commander in Chief and then draw a little cartoon balloon over my head saying, “Why are you always trying to fuck me?”

Editor’s Note: Like my gloves? Santa brought them. They go great with the cool needles and balloons he left for me too. Although next year, I really hope he leaves my gifts under the tree and not on the subway like he did this year. They could have been stolen, you know.

As someone who has just printed out a pretty authentic-looking doctorate of science, I believe I am now more than qualified to give you my expert opinion on why Elisha Cuthbert’s sweater and shoes appear to be much too big for her body here.

She’s shinking.

Now I know you’re probably not aware of what that means since you’re not a doctor like I am, but I ask you to please allow me to at least help you in understanding my diagnosis before brushing me off as another one of those tweed-wearing sissies with half of yesterday’s tuna salad sandwich still stuck in his beard.

According to the dictionary next to my printer, the term “shrink” means to become smaller or to decrease in size or weight. For example, my penis often shrinks after I step out of the shower or snort too much coke. In scientific circles, this is also known as “turtling” – a highly technical term you need not remember since I’m sure you’re still struggling to pronounce it even as you near the end of this sentence.

So there you have it - Elisha Cuthbert is shrinking or, as you have now learned, decreasing in size. The only thing you don’t know is why. Well, I think I can clear up that mystery for you too.

In my expert opinion, I believe poor Elisha is shrinking because she’s been playing in radioactive mud again. And by playing, I mean sleeping – which, in scientific circles, can also be defined as being “piss drunk”, “passed out”, or “Lindsay Lohaned”.

Editor’s Note: Apparently, printing out a doctorate of science – no matter how authentic looking – does not make you a doctor. It does, however, make you a perpetrator of fraud and a defendant in roughly a dozen or so civil cases involving defective rockets. See you in five to ten.

Hey you! Yeah, you! Stop your cheering.

Because I am such a caring individual, I am posting these photographs of actress Elisha Cuthbert as a warning to those of you who might see her on the street one day and try to give her shit for ruining your favorite show “24”.

As you can already tell from the bruises on her boyfriend’s face, it’s simply does not pay to get wise with Elisha Cuthbert. So unless you find going through life with a detached retina as being some sort of fun challenge, you’d best cross the street when you see her coming.

Editor’s Note: Rumors have it that Elisha’s boyfriend – NHL player Sean Avery – may have actually suffered such injuries in the midst of a heated hockey battle.

Personally, I’m just not buying that explanation. To me, it seems a million times more plausible that Elisha simply kicked this guy’s ass for leaving the seat up or something. And by something I mean having sex with Paris Hilton or something. And by that something I mean having sex with Paris Hilton again. Yeah, some guys just never learn. That’s why it’s good to have women like Elisha to keep them in their place. It’s called tough love, baby. Dish it out.

Name: Kim Bauer from the Fox tv show “24” [as played by the lovely Elisha Cuthbert – an actress who really needs to move into my neighborhood so we can reenact some of the best scenes from “The Girl Next Door”…in Latin. Yes, I know it’s a dead language, but I just love it too much to let it go.]

Age: 21 [the same age I was when I annoyed millions of people on television. Only I did it on “Beverly Hills 90210″ with my co-star Shannen Doherty. Yes, that’s right. My real name is Jason Priestley’s sideburns.]

Location: Unknown [but definitely not tied up in my basement. I swear.]

Occupation: Former Level One Analyst for CTU [Give me an ‘N’! What does that spell?! Ok, scramble it up a bit! Now what does that spell?! Ah, forget it.]

Claim To Fame: Finding herself at the mercy of a hungry cougar on Day 2 [a scene that would have been a whole lot less presposterous if they had just replaced the cougar with that fat Scientologist Kirstie Alley.]

Why I Hate Her: She can’t carry her own storyline [but that doesn’t stop the writers from trying. I wonder if demographics has anything to do with it? Nah.]

Why You Should Hate Her: She’s coming back for Day 5 [and she’s bringing hell - in the form of bad writing - with her.]