With apologies to my good friend Tom Cruise, I’d like to officially nominate actress Claire Danes as “Hollywood Saint of the Year”. Not only does she like to stay in touch with the plight of us common people by freely walking down the filthy streets of NY with nothing but biblical sandals on her feet, but she’s also been generously donating the use of her twenty-something vagina and bone-crushing thighs to Old Man Crudup for the past two years.

As many of you already know, Old Man Crudup – also known in some circles as “Billy” Crudup – first met Claire on the set of “Stage Beauty” - a fairly decent costume drama about stage actors in 17th century London – and fell madly in love with her. The only problem though was that Old Man Crudup already had a girlfriend and that girlfriend – actress Mary Louise Parker, then age 40 - was seven months pregnant with his child.

Now normally, in most cases, a woman in Claire’s position would’ve simply ignored the sexual advances of an aging scumbag looking to destroy the lives of everyone around him, but no, not Claire. Instead, she took pity on the old man for his poor indecisions and gave him solace by allowing him to stick his withered penis in not only her mouth and vagina, but also in her big fucking ears as well.

And that, my friends, is why I think Claire Danes should be named “Hollywood Saint of the Year”.

Thank you and good night.

Editor’s Note: Now I’m not exactly sure how old Billy Crudup is, but judging by his upper torso here, I’m going to have to say somewhere between Robert Duvall in “Assassination Tango” and the rotting corpse of my dead grandfather.

Special Note to Billy Crudup: These Kmart clothes aren’t making you look any younger, dude. In fact, they kind of make you look a bit retarded. You need to stop with the savings and start with the splurging. Hell, at your age, you’re probably gonna be dead by February anyways.

Actor Orlando Bloom was apparently all up in Claire Dane’s business last Saturday night after he approached the young actress on the dance floor at the Raisa Gorbachev Foundation party and proceeded to grind her during a performance by the Black Eyed Peas.

From Page Six:

“He was kissing her neck and grinding against her,” reports our snitch. “He didn’t seem to care who saw it.”

Guests included Mikhail Gorbachev, Denise Rich, Salman Rushdie and Nicky Hilton.

God, how I hate these tricky brain-teasers. Maybe I should just give up on it now. I know I’m probably never going to get it. Damn you, Orlando! Couldn’t you have found a more attractive woman to hook up with? It would have made everything so much easier.

Ok, enough of this stalling. I’m just going to go ahead and take a stab at it. My guess is…Clai…no, Orla…no, wait…Claire…yes, Claire. Claire Danes is definitely the one doing the slumming here. While they’re both eight shades of ugly and lack any considerable amount of talent beyond that of maybe peeling an onion, I would definitely have to go with Claire Danes. If only because she was the one smart enough to do that remake of “The Mod Squad” while he was still growing his hair out back in sissy boy school.

Editor’s Note: If you look at the last two photographs, you will see Orlando and Claire enjoying a good laugh with former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. And if I was to hazard a guess – something I am obviously an expert at – I’d say that they were probably laughing about that music video “Two Tribes” and how Gorbachev narrowly missed being made fun of by those daring hecklers from Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Dah, that was a close one. Ha, ha, ha.