[Keira Knightley - Best Actress Nominee - Click To Enlarge]

Somebody get me a blind man. Stat! I need to know what it says on Keira Knightley’s pimply forehead. And it better not be something dirty or I’m calling the FCC and having ABC fined.

Editor’s Note: Check out the last photograph. She’s got more pimples than a Klingon’s got ridges. Making that Star Trek reference just made me look nerdy, didn’t it?

[Charlize Theron - Best Actress Nominee - Click To Enlarge]

Personally, I thought Charlize Theron had one of the best gowns of the night. It looked as if she had wrapped herself in either a giant Christmas bow or in one of those strange ties plantation owners like to wear. You know what? I think I’m going to print out one of these photographs today and staple it to my chest. Then maybe I can finally walk down the street and have everyone call me “Big Daddy”.

[Reese Witherspoon - Best Actress *gag* Winner - Click To Enlarge]

Wow, isn’t Reese cute? She looks just like Thumbelina. Well, except for in that last photograph. There she looks a lot more like Cuntelina. Oh, you know you were thinking it.

[Michelle Williams - Best Supporting Actress Nominee - Click To Enlarge]

I’d like to thank Michelle Williams for wearing my favorite color of Playdough last night. If only I could have reached through my television screen and molded her into something different or more interesting. Like a great big giraffe. Or a good actress.

[Hilary Swank - Last Year’s Best Actress Winner - Click To Enlarge]

See, I told you Hilary Swank wasn’t dead. She’s just been away; working hard on that script for “The Next Karate Kid 2”. Yep, she’s a screenwriter now too. Just like my dentist, my garbage man and my amputated big toe that currently floats in the jar above my fireplace.

[Oscar Nominee Luncheon Group Photo - 02/13/06 - Click To Enlarge]

It’s that time of the year again. Time for you to guess which Oscar nominee is currently being groped by George Clooney in the above photograph. Hint: It’s not Jake Gyllenhaal. And no, wishing won’t make it so, dad.

[Amy Adams - Oscar Nominee Luncheon / 02/13/06 - Click To Enlarge]

Look everybody, it’s Amy Adams. What? You’ve never heard of her before? Don’t you remember? She played the fat girl on “Smallville” who tried to eat all those guys. Man, I thought for sure everyone would recognize her, especially since she’s still wearing all that fat make-up.

[Charlize Theron - Oscar Nominee Luncheon / 02/13/06 - Click To Enlarge]

So I guess the real question here is: Why is Charlize Theron wearing pants while so many of the other female nominees are wearing dresses? Could it be that Charlize is somehow trying to be a man? If so, I fear next time we see her, she’ll be inside some strip club trying to solve complex math problems with a football in her hand. Manly things to be sure, but only as long as she doesn’t try to breast feed the football. Because once you do something like that, you are no longer considered a man. Believe me. They don’t even allow me to use the urinals anymore. The bastards.

[Keira Knightley - Oscar Nominee Luncheon / 02/13/06 - Click To Enlarge]

Seeing Keira Knightley here with that slit on her dress reminds me of those old rubber change purses my grandmother used to carry around. They were like the coolest things ever. Not only did they fit easily into the palm of your hand, but it only took one squeeze to retrieve a bus token or copper-flavored lifesaver. And boy, how I loved the taste of those things. They were just…wait a minute. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t her change purse that did that; it was her vagina. Damn you, Great Depression, must you scar every generation?

[Michelle Williams (with Heath Ledger) - Oscar Nominee Luncheon / 02/13/06 - Click To Enlarge]

Whenever I glance at the first two photographs of Michelle Williams, I immediately hear the phrase “walk like an Egyptian” echoing in my head. Not something I really wanted to admit, but I guess it’s better to be laughed at for that than to be laughed at for dressing like some gay butler from a Fellini film.

[Reese Witherspoon - Oscar Nominee Luncheon / 02/13/06 - Click To Enlarge]

I might as well just come out and say it now. I hate Reese Witherspoon. I don’t know why exactly, but there’s always been something about her that just annoys the shit out of me. It’s probably because I automatically equate her with the character she played in those two “Legally Blonde” movies and that character definitely annoys the shit out of me.

So I guess, in the end, what I’m really trying to say is that Reese Witherspoon is kind of like Ex-Lax for me and that if I plan on watching the Academy Awards next month, I better do it in a diaper with my wet nurse close by. Yep, that’s right; she also annoys me to the point of where I crave breast milk. Something I can’t really explain since I’m lactose intolerant, but I’m sure has something to do with the fact that I once buried the withered body of my mother in the basement with a spoon after she stole my bag of Reece’s Pieces.

Source: [USA Today]