And apparently that purpose is to entertain hundreds of lesbians with an ass that has seen more play than my favorite condom.*

Yes, that’s right, my suddenly pantless friend; Carmen Electra was in Palm Springs over the weekend, performing with her roaming band of whores called The Bombshell Babes at some kind of lesbian barbeque thing named after Dinah Shore. And if you’re wondering why you weren’t invited, it’s probably because you have a penis or like to suck on one. It really doesn’t matter which since the penis is the mortal enemy of the lesbian and anyone associated with it is automatically declared an enemy as well.

Good God, did I just write myself into understanding the mind of Rosie O’Donnell? I think I did. Maybe I should stop writing now before I get a sudden craving for doughnuts or, god forbid, women. Wait…

*Feel free to ask me about it one day when I’m not too busy making other shit up.

Wow, this woman is positively amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life. Her body alone just boggles the mind. In fact, I’m actually shocked she’s allowed out in public like this and isn’t behind bars serving time for sexiness in the first degree or arousal with a deadly weapon.

Hell, the only thing that could make her more attractive right now would be if she was wrestling an alligator while chugging a pint of Guinness. That would be damn hot, especially in boots like those.

Editor’s Note: Carmen who? No, I’m talking about that gorgeous piece of ass on her left. The one in the background with her arms folded. Yeah, that one. Oh, so it all makes sense now, does it? Good. And congratulations on catching up by the way.

Hey, did you hear about the turn of the century yet? Yeah, it happened a couple of years back. Nah, nothing to spectacular happened, but I just thought you should know. No, no, no, you’re welcome, you’re welcome. I’m just glad I could help.

Spooked by public chronometers fast approaching the number fifteen, Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra have already begun trying to line up paying gigs to host New Year’s Eve celebrations in cities like New York, Los Angeles, and St. Paul Miami.

From Page Six:

Hilton wants $100,000 plus expenses and a private jet for her to host a party, while Electra is cheap - a mere $50,000 and expenses. No jet necessary.

For those of you who have always wanted to ring in the New Year from a hospital bed with multiple contusions, here’s your chance. Just try to look surprised when the crowd attacks you after announcing that their host for the evening will be “Ms. Paris Hilton”. Because if you don’t, some of your guests might think they’re just being “punk’d” and end up pulling their punches. After all, no one wants to look like that big an asshole on television – which is why you might want to invite the President to your party if you’re a bad actor. He’ll beat you something fierce regardless.

Well, I sure hope that Santa doesn’t have to take a giant dump when he’s dropping off all my presents tomorrow. Because if he does, he’s gonna to be pretty disappointed when he finds my bathroom door locked and me behind it with a shotgun. Sorry Santa, but genital herpes just wasn’t on my Christmas list this year.