Cameron Diaz was in New York City earlier today, shooting scenes for her new film “What Happens in Vegas”, a sure to be delightful comedy co-starring Ashton Kutcher and Lake Bell.

Now to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what this film is about or why they’re shooting it in NYC instead of Las Vegas, but I do know that the odds of it being funny are about a million to one. Or ten to one if Ashton Kutcher drops out right now and they replace him with Joe Piscopo (“Johnny Dangerously”, “Wise Guys”, “Dead Heat” – works of genius, I tell ya…once).

Unless, of course, what I’m looking at right now is actually a picture of Cameron Diaz having a stroke. Then you might as well just keep Ashton Kutcher and increase those odds to ten to one anyway. Because honestly, people, I can think of few things funnier than watching Cameron Diaz limp around for ninety minutes while talking out of the side of her mouth. And if that makes me and Justin Timberlake assholes, then so be it.

On the downside, it is entirely possible that Cameron’s new mannerisms could distract from the heart of the story and kill the romance. To which I offer the producers this simple solution: cast Kirk Douglas as her father and make their characters of Russian descent. Not only will people buy it completely, but having two stroke victims on that screen will mean twice the laughs.

Editor’s Tip: If you – like me – can’t help but read the title “What Happens in Vegas” without following it up with “stays in Vegas”, then you might want to think about chopping off one of your fingers. It provides the perfect distraction.

More odds:

Odds you found this post funny: 10,000 to 1

Odds you’re wishing a stroke on me right now: 10 to 1

Odds you’re not wishing a stroke on me because what I really deserve is for you to cut my brake lines so I end up a blind quadriplegic: Even

Isn’t Cameron Diaz just beautiful? That smile of hers sure does look a whole lot wider now that Justin Timberlake is no longer in the picture. And do you know what else is wider? Those stairs she’s about to climb. They used to be so thin and narrow before. It was really just an accident waiting to happen.

Editor’s Note: If you’re one of those people who glanced at the headline and immediately thought I meant that Cameron Diaz’s ass was getting wider, then HA! – who’s the bastard now?

Now that Justin Timberlake is no longer playing Batman to her Joker, Cameron Diaz has been out looking for a new man to torture since December. Early on, it looked like pro surfer Kelly Slater could be that man, but since I have not seen any pictures of them together since January, I can only assume that he grew tired of her relentless bitching and his body is now buried somewhere in Honolulu with 89 stab wounds.

But fear not, Cameron Diaz fans (all one of you), because it appears that your idol has found a new man to annoy these days: Jude “Dr. Coke” Law, her co-star from “The Holiday”. As you can see, when Cameron is in love, there is no such thing as boundaries. No such thing as locks on the bathroom door. If she wants to gaze into your ear and give pet names to the moles on your face as you look off uncomfortably into the distance for help, that’s what she’s going to do. Because she’s Cameron Diaz, god damn it. And she’s got a gun pointed right against your ribcage so “just smile and make it look like we’re having a good time, Jude, and we both might just walk out of here alive.”

No, Cameron Diaz is not about to throw up here nor is she trying to stop her yawn from collapsing the known universe. Instead, Cameron is simply implementing step #1 in her plan to win back the suddenly wise Justin Timberlake. A little step I like to call “The Jennifer Aniston”, or, for those too dumb to make the connection, the “look as if you’re having a good time even though you’re dead on the inside” step.

As stated in the Bible, this step is usually reserved for those people who are normally cheerful and lighthearted, but are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that they are now alone and will probably die as such. Which is why I am kind of puzzled to see Cameron using this step since she often comes off as a slightly more cartoonish Cruella de Ville, who would rather use the skin of orphans for her coat instead of the cuddly Dalmatians used by Jennifer Aniston.

The way I see it, if Cameron really wanted to make Justin jealous, she should have just bypassed this step altogether and simply got the paparazzi to take photographs of her beating her new boyfriend – pro surfer Kelly Slater – with a phonebook and defiling him with urine. Now that’s something that would definitely make Justin think twice about his decision to split with El Diaz and probably move him to tears as well. Seriously, there’s nothing like mixing the Stockholm syndrome with some nostalgia and a little bit of urine to bring your man back to you. Believe me. I know.

Actress Cameron Diaz suffered some confusion in England recently after the media kept referring to her new film “The Holiday” as a “rom-com” and not a romantic comedy or piece of shit like us Americans do.

From Contact Music:

She explains, “It’s a ‘rom-com’ as they call it in England. I don’t know why they like to abbreviate, but they do. “They say ‘rom-com’ and I’m like, ‘What are you talking about?’ What’s a rom com?’ “The ‘blonde’ came out. It’s like there was an attack: ‘We’re going to Rom Com four!’ Once I got it clear I was able to sell the movie!”

Now I don’t know if Cameron Diaz is still abroad promoting her latest piece of celluloid torture, but if she is, I think I know how we can finally get rid of her for good this time. And by “we”, I mean you too, Justin, so pay close attention to the plan here.

Step 1: Call Cameron Diaz

Step 2: Tell her that the United States has outlawed all forms of make-up and acne medication and anyone caught using these products will be promptly arrested and deported.

Step 3: Remind her again that violators will be deported so she might as well stay where she is and save herself a trip.

Step 4: Remind her still that ugly people have no place in America and it’s damn near impossible for Justin to bring sexy back with her gangly ass always hanging around.

Step 5: End the phone call with a kind warning that if she isn’t careful, she might one day accidentally consume her entire face with that enormous mouth of hers.

Of course, if you have better things to do with your time like I obviously don’t, you could always just call her up and tell her that the entire continent of North America is sinking into the ocean. The only problem with that though is that you would have to end that call with a pretty convincing “gurgle, gurgle” and then hope she never watches the news again. After all, countries submerged in water usually don’t invade countries that aren’t so just make sure you have that assassin handy for Plan C.