In what could only been seen as a conscious effort by producers to keep her fat ass from floating to the top of the pool in every shot, actress Bryce Dallas Howard was immediately shipped off to “fat camp” to lose some weight before filming “Lady in the Water”, her latest debacle with director M. Night Shyamalan.

From Contact Music:

Bryce responds, “I went to this spa. It wasn’t called a fat camp but it totally was. “There was one night where I was contemplating ending my life - that’s how hungry I was… I was on 30 pizzas a day when I got back.”

So let me get this straight: Ron Howard’s spoiled daughter – a woman who probably walked outside one day at the age of 21, saw some dirt on the ground, and said “what’s that, daddy?” – wanted to kill herself because she was hungry during her stay at a spa. Wow, have you ever heard anything more tragic? I know I haven’t and I work in an office that helps recently paroled ex-cons adopt foster children.

You know what, I think I’m going to call her up today and make an appointment with one of her butlers to come over to her castle and hug her. I think she’d like that. And this way, when she finally kills herself over something important like her pizza being late, I’ll be able to look back and say “I did my best for that crazy bitch, and your honor, here’s the will she gave me just before she died”.