The Photos You Love To Hate
[Jessica Alba - US Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Awards / April 26, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]
Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your enjoyment these high resolution photographs of Jessica Alba’s alleged nipple slip from Wednesday night’s allegedly cool and ultra-hip Hot Hollywood Awards. Do with them what you may. Personally, I have no use for them since all I have to do is roll over to see her nipples. But since you’re probably not as lucky as I to have access to things like chloroform and rope, I decided to go ahead and post them anyway.
Ok, I’m sorry. I can’t go on with this charade any longer. It just wouldn’t be fair to you or the trust you have in me to always tell the truth. So here it is - the truth: that’s not really Jessica Alba’s right nipple peeking out from behind that lace bra of hers – it’s an eye. Yes, that’s right. Jessica Alba has been sneaking Mexican illegals across the red carpet again.
Forgive me, Jessica, I didn’t want to rat you out but what you’re doing is just plain wrong. Even more wrong than what you did with my penis last night, or at least that’s what my 18 years of Catholicism keeps telling me.
[Jessica Alba - The Inspiration Awards / April 27, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]
Way to go, guys. Because of you, Jessica Alba showed up at last night’s Inspiration Awards dressed like she was going to the funeral of Laura Ingalls Wilder. All that was missing was maybe a bonnet and an opium pipe. Maybe next time you should think before posting candid photographs of some poor girl’s nipple slip on the internet. Because right now, every guy out there is furiously masturbating to a woman dressed like a Puritan pilgrim and trying to get off before the guilt kicks in.
[Brittany Murphy - US Weekly’s Hot Hollywood Awards / April 26,2006 - Click To Enlarge]
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Brittany Murphy had rickets as a child. That or she thinks she’s a fucking superhero. Either way, I think she should be immediately put down for striking poses like that in such a short dress without a cape around her neck. I know I did it to my dog.
[Robin Williams & JoJo - Total Request Live / April 27, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]
It’s common knowledge that Robin Williams is one hairy motherfucker. People have made jokes surrounding this fact for over two decades now. That being said, I am still amazed at how hairy this motherfucker is. Check out his arms in the third photograph. You’d have to shave them to take his pulse. And come on, is he really reaping the benefits of a T-shirt here? His forearms are probably warmer than his shoulders, for crying out loud.
Trivia Question: What one thing does Robin Williams and Brittany Murphy have in common? [You can find the answer in the comments section below]
[Tom Cruise - Shopping in Paris / April 26, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]
Someone from Tom Cruise’s camp sent me these photographs today. I think they were trying to threaten me in some way because I’m feeling kind of paranoid at the moment. To think that I could actually walk down the street one day and have Tom Cruise not only approach me but also touch me is pretty damn scary. This is why I’ve decided to move out of NY and go back home to Antarctica where it’s safe. Did you get that?
For celebrities the world over, denying rumors of plastic surgery has almost become an art form unto itself. From disappearing eye baggage to sudden gains in all the right places, movie stars and pop princesses alike have changed their appearances more often than guys change position at a Tara Reid gangbang. And while such changes are almost necessary to succeed in this industry, celebrities will rarely acknowledge them and, if pressed, simply credit them to a good night’s sleep or bottle of Jamaican vitamins. Unless, of course, your name is Brittany Murphy and you have all the imagination of a battered wife.
