The Blog You Love To Hate » Beyonce Knowles

May 1, 2007

Beyonce Is A Dancing Fool

If you’re reading this right now, then it means that Time Warner has finally restored some of my internet access after 48 hours of fucking me in the ass with long naps and drunken incompetence masquerading as unnecessary network upgrades and improvements. Pretty romantic, huh?

Unfortunately though, it also means that you’re now looking at yet another picture of Beyonce performing her “look-at-me, I’m-~~John McCain~~-a-puppet” dance in front of a crowd of Germans, who, given their rich history of being manipulated, should probably be offended it.

As you may have already noticed, this puppet dance of hers is very similar to her “look at me, I’m a Katrina victim” dance, which, of course, isn’t so much a dance as it is a waver around in mid-air type of thing. In fact, now that I think about it, that’s probably the dance she’s doing here. After all, what better way to entertain a crowd of Germans than to pretend you’re a dead black woman floating face down in a body of water. Yeah, ok, you got me - pretending to be a dead black Jewish woman would be better, but given Beyonce’s limited acting range, there’s no way in hell [or, as the Jews call it, Germany] she’d ever be able to pull that off.

Editor’s Note: If you’re one of those people who just likes to look at the pictures without reading all the bullshit commentary, then I’m sure you’re dying to know if Beyonce actually snorted her earring or not. Well, I’m here to tell you that I would have told you if I thought you were reading this right now.

Yeah, take that, you thoughtless little pig. These posts don’t write themselves, you know. It takes a lot of hard work coupled with scores of vodka and emotional baggage to write this shit every day. Yeah, I know. You’re not reading this either. Too bad since I really wanted to tell you that I did your mom in the butt last night, but I guess you’ll find out soon enough with Mother’s Day coming up and everything.*

*This Mother’s Day reminder brought to you by Hallmark, the maker of overpriced gift cards and those gay little teddy bears that conveniently fit inside your coffee mug.

[Beyonce - Performing in Frankfurt, Germany / April 30, 2007 - Click To Enlarge]

Filed under: Beyonce Knowles — Erich von Stroheim @ 11:55 am Permalink

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February 25, 2007

Academy Awards Arrival: Beyonce

I find it amazing that Beyonce can successfully fit her fat legs into a gown that small. It must be made up of the same material used by Chevy in their construction of clown cars. Not that any of this is important since I’m sure your eyes immediately fixated on that thing she’s wearing across her chest.

No, I don’t know what it is or what it’s made of, but I am hoping it will somehow attract a rabid gang of monkeys intent on ripping her apart for being an overly pretentious bitch. Because it that happens, then maybe, just maybe, Jennifer Hudson will make it home with her Oscar instead of being mugged for it in the parking lot by a mysterious black woman with a fat ass.

Editor’s Note: If you just said, “Oprah”, then you really need to pay attention better.

[Beyonce - The 79th Annual Academy Awards / February 25, 2007 - Click To Enlarge]

Filed under: Beyonce Knowles — Erich von Stroheim @ 10:27 pm Permalink

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February 8, 2006

The Photos You Love To Hate

[Beyonce Knowles - Premiere of “The Pink Panther” / 02/06/06 - Click To Enlarge]

Oh okay, I get it. Beyonce Knowles is dressed in pink because she’s at the the premiere of her new film “The Pink Panther”. It’s so nice to know she can make simple connections like that. Kind of like the connections I always make between President of the World George Bush and my shit floating in a toilet bowl. And before anyone gets too offended by that, let me just say that I always remember to salute before I hit the flush.

Editor’s Note: As you can see, I like to refer to Beyonce Knowles by her full name. Why? Because her butt demands it, that’s why.

[Kate Hudson - Reopening of Versace Boutique / 02/07/06 - Click To Enlarge]

Seeing Kate Hudson in a fur coat makes me shiver. I don’t know why exactly, but I’m sure it has something to do with me being Italian and the fact that people are always skinning us for our fur. I guess it could be worse though. I could be Irish like my wife and have dozens of scars on my chest from drunken college kids trying to tap me.

[Lindsay Lohan - Marc Jacobs Fall 2006 Party / Feb. 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Wow, Lindsay Lohan’s body sure has a lot of freckles. In fact, I think if you connected a bunch of them on her shoulder with a sharpie, you’d have the exact motorcycle route Rocky Dennis was going to take through Europe in “Mask”. Something I probably thought of because Eric Stoltz was in that movie and he’s got a lot of freckles too. The only difference though is that his freckles don’t talk him out of eating.

[Jessica Biel - Los Angeles Premiere of “London” / 02/06/06 - Click To Enlarge]

I love Jessica Biel. Which is why it’s kind of surprising that it took me this long to post any pictures of her. I guess I was just waiting for the right ones. And by that I mean ones which really show off those nice pink lips of hers. There’s always been something about them that reminded me of my first childhood home. I just wish I knew what.

Editor’s Note: After looking at the pictures while lying down, I’ve finally figured it out. Behold - the door to my childhood home.

[Victoria Beckham - GQ [Russian] / Feb. 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Can you believe that there’s actually a Russian GQ? I wonder what the hell the cover reads. At first glance, it almost appears as if the letters are just scrambled up a bit and that if I whacked myself upside head a few times, I might be able to read them. Then again, I tried that once before with the Swahili version of TV Guide and only ended up with a concussion and the complete inability to name anyone from the cast of “Friends”. Hey, hey, hey, put down that hammer. You’ll forget those names soon enough. Believe me.

Editor’s Note: Woo-Hoo! I just signed up for a one year subscription to the Russian version of GQ. Boy, am I excited. I only hope my complimentary bottle of vodka and sheet of stick-on moles gets here before the weekend. Cause I want to party, baby. Party like a gulag madman.

Filed under: Lindsay Lohan, Victoria Beckham, Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, Beyonce Knowles, Celebrities — Erich von Stroheim @ 10:35 pm Permalink

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