[Ashlee Simpson - Pure Shore Club in Miami / December 31, 2007 - Click To Enlarge]

[Evangeline Lilly - April 3, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

If you think Evangeline Lilly looks kind of worn out and tattered here, you’re not alone. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say these photographs were taken long before she became a big television star with lots of money. But since that’s obviously not the case, I guess the only other plausible explanation for why she looks like shit is that she’s Canadian.

Editor’s Note: Please allow me to apologize in advance to any Canadians I may have offended with the above comment. It was terribly uncalled for. As penance I promise to watch a full 24 hours of culturally sensitive animation produced by the National Film Board of Canada and not fall asleep*.

*And just so were clear, drinking until I pass out is usually not considered to be the same thing as falling asleep so don’t even think about giving me any shit about it.

[Kate Beckinsale - Santa Monica / April 9, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Oh my god, Kate Beckinsale is smoking in front of her daughter. Somebody alert the authorities before the poor kid gets cancer and dies right there on the sidewalk. In fact, while we’re all waiting for the cops to get here in their environmentally safe cars, let’s all start a petition to have the kid taken away from her. Maybe if we’re lucky, we can get her thrown into that old women’s prison near the environmentally safe shoe factory with the environmentally safe smoke stack.

Here – I’ll sign first:

Erich von Douchebag

[Sophia Loren - April 6, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Note to Hilary Swank: Next time you want to draw attention to your breasts without looking like an aging hooker at a wet T-shirt contest, try using some of the more subtle techniques shown here by the lovely Sophia Loren.

First, find a wonderfully tight shirt like the one she’s wearing here and a nice BRA to go along with it. I can’t stress enough the importance of a BRA here because without it, you might as well just forget the whole thing. Remember Hilary, you’re not the only one in the world with enormous nipples so don’t be in such a hurry to show them off. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure my dog has bigger nipples than you and she’s not even half your size.

Second, make sure that wonderfully tight shirt is white. This way when your enormous bosom produces a shadow, it will be visible enough to add some welcome definition to an otherwise droopy chest. Of course, if you have a tendency to whore around a lot or just can’t keep yourself from putting mustard on that hot dog, then I would definitely go with something more yellow here. After all, nothing kills a conversation quicker than a mysterious yellow stain.

And finally, don’t forget to hang a pair of glasses between those breasts, because nothing screams “look at my tits” louder than a reflective inanimate object usually reserved for doing smart things like reading or algebra.

[Jessica Simpson - Sydney / April 10, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Hey Jessica, I have a text message for you.

WEARING WHITE DOES NOT
TURN YOU BACK INTO A VIRGIN.

ONLY HAVING SEX UPSIDE DOWN AND
BACKWARDS WITH A REAL VIRGIN CAN DO THAT.

SO LET ME KNOW…

ERICH

[Ashlee Simpson - Sydney / April 10, 2006 - Click To Enlarge]

Today, I weep for the Australians. If only because no country should ever have to endure a visit by both Simpson sisters at the same time. Well, except for maybe Canada.