I like this picture because I love it when the paparazzi capture some celebrity in the midst of blinking and licking the air. Which Angelina Jolie is clearly doing here. Or is she just choking? Because at least then we’d have some kind of explanation as to why Brad Pitt has wedged himself between her and the wall here.

Otherwise, I think I may just have to call Brad Pitt a pussy for hiding behind a possible epileptic in the process of biting her tongue off. And that’s not cool because I really like Brad Pitt and I can’t hug him from here without touching Angelina Jolie and her implants. I mean boobies. Yuck.

In news that is sure to make your poor penis cry, Angelina Jolie admitted to Britain’s Cosmopolitan magazine that she has only slept with four men in her entire life — Brad Pitt, Billy-Bob Thornton, Johnny Lee Miller, and one nameless individual who is obviously not you.

From Contact Music:

She tells Britain’s Cosmopolitan magazine, “It was never true. I had only slept with four men in my life - and I married two of them!”

Wow, this is kind of surprising. Especially since I’m a straight heterosexual male and even I’ve had sex with more men than that. If anything, I guess this proves once and for all that Angelina Jolie is indeed a closet lesbian and that she’s just killing time until she has all her kids in a row. After all, without Brad Pitt by her side, she’d only have a bunch of children destined for the United States penal system and no white ones destined for Harvard.

Now I’m not going to pretend that I know what’s going on here, but if I was to guess, I’d say that Angelina Jolie has just picked out another kid to adopt and she is signaling her bodyguards to kill the parents. Well, that or she’s telling me to pick up my wet towels off the bathroom floor again. Bitch.

Editor’s Note: Run!

It’s official: Angelina Jolie has completed the adoption process once again and is now the proud mother of a 3-year-old Vietnamese boy named Pax Thien (which means “peaceful sky” in Latin & Vietnamese or, more appropriately, “one lucky motherfucker” in English).

From People:

Jolie’s rep says she took custody of the child on Thursday in Vietnam. They will remain in the country for about a week while the child’s American passport is processed, the rep says.

The boy had been living at the Tam Binh orphanage outside Ho Chi Minh City ever since he was abandoned at a hospital as a baby, according to adoption officials. Shortly after he arrived at the facility, staff attempted to locate his birth parents, but to no avail.

As expected, Angelina Jolie is collecting children faster than ever now. She’s gone from adopting one child in 2002 to adopting two children and having one of her own in less than two years. The last time I saw a pattern like this, I was watching [insert the title of any movie, television show, or documentary about serial killers here].

Personally, I give it about five more years and about twenty children later before her compulsion really kicks into high gear and she’s flying over impoverished nations dropping nets over large groups of people to adopt. And let me tell you a little something: it won’t matter if you’re a toothless 80-year-old man, a toothless 8-year-old or a cactus (obviously toothless) - if you’re under the net, you’re a Jolie now. Or, if you’re lucky, a Jolie-Pitt, or, if I’m lucky, a Jolie-von Stroheim. Or maybe, just maybe, a Pitt-von Stroheim. Oh yeah, I bet you didn’t see that last one coming.

Editor’s Note: By the way, when Angelina truly loses it, you can bet her adoption procedures are going to look a lot like this:

So there I was, enjoying a nice bacon Eggo waffle sandwich in front of the television this morning, when what do I see? Angelina Jolie on “Good Morning America” with enough lip gloss on to fill all of Lake Erie.

Seriously, I don’t even know why the cameraman kept cutting back to Diane Sawyer since I could clearly see her ugly mug in the reflection off Angelina’s lips. In fact, if Diane Sawyer was wearing glasses, the two of them would have no doubt created some kind of infinite reflection thing that would have not only made my head hurt, but my pants wet as well.

Now unfortunately, given the poor resolution of this video, it’s almost impossible to fully appreciate what I’ve just described to you here, which is exactly why I described it to you in the first place. Instead, you’re going to have to look elsewhere in this video if you want to be at all entertained. Like maybe near the beginning of the interview where Angelina denies being pregnant before nonchalantly adding that she’s on the pill. The look of “too much information” coupled with a dash of “The pill? What’s that? I’m too old to remember.” on Diane Sawyer’s face is priceless.

Or perhaps you’ll get a good laugh over her adoption plans or the way she fawns over Brad Pitt like he’s fucking Albert Schweitzer or Mike Brady. I have to admit that I almost chocked on my bacon during those bits and I’ve been known to chew my food particularly well too.

Or maybe, just maybe, this video won’t entertain you at all. Maybe it will just fill you with an undying curiosity about what would happen if they adopted a poor little boy from Germany. Would they both come home from work one day to find the rest of the children dead in the oven? Or would those three children rise up against him and bury him out back next to the Romanian child who, as it turns out, wasn’t really a vampire?

Man, if only I was rich enough to play “adopt-a-culture” too. With children as pawns, I could easily re-enact all my favorite wars right in my own living room. Although now that I think about it, I don’t think there’s enough children in all of England to do that. And you know me, it’s all about being authentic.