Ok, here’s how it goes. Because I did so well without the aid of my trusty steed Tivo last night [IFC had no commercials, you see], I’ve decided to forgo its use for tonight’s Academy Awards. And since I will be doing all of this completely live, I have decided to use the free time I have during those commercials to either post some screenshots or to correct the grammatical errors that are sure to occur with this much gin flowing through my veins.
It’s 5:50 PM right now and the show begins promptly at 8 PM. I have E! on right now, but there doesn’t seem to be any red carpet arrivals yet so I will just sit back and watch as Ryan Seacrest continues to make a fool out of himself until there is. And no, I didn’t count Jennifer Jason Leigh as a red carpet arrival because she should have went in through the back with the rest of the help. The world has signs for a reason, Jenn.
6:10 PM – Naomi Watts has just joined Ryan in his little hangout. Ryan asks her what she is wearing and I say “the nicotine-stained curtains that used to hang in my grandma’s house.” He also asks her if she has received a wedding invitation from her close friend Nicole Kidman. Wow, she didn’t like that question and looks visibly pissed off. Way to go, Ryan. Now we’ll never get to see her naked.
6:20 PM - Gary Busey lives! I’m guessing he wasn’t invited and just wandered over from the bar across the street.
[Amy Adams - Best Supporting Actress Nominee - Click To Enlarge]
6:36 PM - Isaac Mizrahi has just grabbed George Clooney’s breast. Ok, just kidding. And Eric Bana just asked Isaac if he’s got into trouble yet. Wow, the legend of the groping of Scarlett Johansson’s breast has even reached the remote island of Australia. Not bad for a country who just recently received word on the end of World War II.
6:43 PM - Keira Knightley sounds like Eliza fucking Doolittle. Or at the very least, Terry Jones when he plays a woman for Monty Python.
6:58 PM – Jessica Alba just put on some lip gloss. Hey Jessica, the world is not your mirror.
7:15 PM – Isaac has Jessica Alba and he gets her to show off the tattoo on the back of her neck. Way to go, Isaac, but we really wanted to see the one on her ass.
7:21 PM – William Hurt is obviously stoned. And the fact that “E!” is only showing him in a close-up leads me to believe that he isn’t wearing any pants again. Damn you, William Hurt. Children watch this show.
7:25 PM – Oh my god, the red carpet is haunted. Wait, sorry. It’s just Nicole Kidman. God, that woman is pale.
7:30 PM – On to ABC for some truly boring red carpet arrivals. Well, they were boring until I started watching them through the bottom of a beer bottle. Did you know that Matt Dillon’s black? I didn’t know that. Somebody give that man an Oscar.
8:00 PM - Hey, the show still hasn’t started yet. Was it cancelled at the last minute? Here’s hoping…
8:01 PM - I have to admit that opening was pretty cool. I didn’t know James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor were still alive.
8:02 PM – The first joke of the night is a gay joke. How surprising. Oh yeah, and it appears Mel Gibson is building an army again. I think it may finally be Canada’s turn to step up and take care of this one. America is just too tired at the moment.
8:10 PM – I think I just nodded off during Jon Stewart’s monologue. I wonder what they’re keeping his balls in backstage. A box? A jar? Drew Barrymore’s mouth?
8:13 PM – Jon Stewart just called Hollywood an “atheistic pleasure dome.”
Two hundred gay men enter, only Bruce Willis leaves. And with a smile on his face too. See Jon Stewart, I can make gay jokes all night too.
8:18 PM - Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role:
George Clooney for Syriana (2005)
Matt Dillon for Crash (2004)
Paul Giamatti for Cinderella Man (2005)
Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
William Hurt for A History of Violence (2005)
Winner: George Clooney
Ten bucks Clooney uses his Oscar on a few hookers tonight; unless, of course, presenter Nicole Kidman has already had her way with it first. Because that would just be disgusting and no one ever knows what disease Nicole Kidman is currently carrying around. Hookers deserve better.
8:26 PM - Hey Tom Hanks - get a haircut, hippie.
8:28 PM - About one percent of the world’s population actually gets Ben Stiller’s green screen joke right now. The other 99 percent simply thinks he’s back on the crack again.
8:30 PM - Best Achievement in Visual Effects
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) - Dean Wright, Bill Westenhofer, Jim Berney, Scott Farrar
King Kong (2005) - Joe Letteri, Brian Van’t Hul, Christian Rivers, Richard Taylor
War of the Worlds (2005) - Pablo Helman, Dennis Muren, Randy Dutra, Daniel Sudick
Winner: King Kong
You would think visual effects guys would find a way to make themselves look better on television.
8:32 PM - Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Corpse Bride (2005) - Tim Burton, Mike Johnson
Hauru no ugoku shiro (2004) - Hayao Miyazaki
Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) - Steve Box, Nick Park
Winner: Wallace & Gromit
Nice bow ties, guys, but I’m really getting tired all these gay jokes.
8:36 PM - Naomi Watts presents Dolly Parton, who is going to spend the next four minutes singing some dumb-ass song. Well, that was mean of me. I really shouldn’t have said that. Actually, I should be thanking her for giving me these four minutes to back up the Tivo and pause it on Naomi Watts. Because when I put the chess board in front of the TV like that, it looks like we’re playing against each other and I have someone to talk to. Damn it, Naomi, move already. We only got four minutes.
8:44 PM - Best Short Film, Live Action
Ausreißer (2004) - Ulrike Grote
Cashback (2004) - Sean Ellis, Lene Bausager
Síðasti bærinn í dalnum (2004) - Rúnar Rúnarsson, Þórir Snær Sigurjónsson
Our Time Is Up (2004) - Rob Pearlstein, Pia Clemente
Six Shooter (2005) - Martin McDonagh
Winner: Six Shooter
Presented by Luke & Owen Wilson. Oh come on, I can’t believe they didn’t make some brotherly gay joke. We haven’t heard one of those yet tonight. And just to be mean to another complete stranger, let me say that it looks like someone shot the winner’s two front teeth with a six shooter.
8:46 PM - Best Short Film, Animated
Badgered (2005) - Sharon Colman
The Moon and the Son (2005) - John Canemaker, Peggy Stern
The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello (2005) - Anthony Lucas
9 (2005) - Shane Acker
One Man Band (2005) - Mark Andrews, Andrew Jimenez
Winner: The Moon and the Son
Presented by two animated characters most people have never heard of. Man, that duck is totally freaking me out, probably because it sounds just like my penis. And for a minute there, I thought it was time to use the bathroom.
8:50 PM - Best Achievement in Costume Design
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) - Gabriella Pescucci
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Colleen Atwood
Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005) - Sandy Powell
Pride & Prejudice (2005) - Jacqueline Durran
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha
Presented by Jennifer Aniston, the most humorless bitch alive. Not like Angelina Jolie. That woman’s a riot.
8:53 PM - Russell Crowe is in the house. Hide your cell phones. Yeah, I know. That was a bit too obvious. But I just want everybody to be safe. Even you, Nicole Kidman.
8:58 PM - Best Achievement in Makeup
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) - Howard Berger, Tami Lane
Cinderella Man (2005) - David LeRoy Anderson, Lance Anderson
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005) - Dave Elsey, Annette Miles
Winner: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Presented by Will Ferrell and Steve Carell in bad make-up. Or was that actually Michelle Williams and Laura Flyn Boyle? I just don’t know anymore.
9:03 PM - Rachel McAdams gives everybody a chance to take a quick nap as she introduces the technical awards show from the basement.
9:07 PM - Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams for Junebug (2005)
Catherine Keener for Capote (2005)
Frances McDormand for North Country (2005)
Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener (2005)
Michelle Williams for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Winner: Rachel Weisz
Well, I thought for sure it was going to be Amy Adams. Some place, some where - Roger Ebert just shed a tear.
9:13 PM - Lauren Bacall walks to the podium like she just spent a week in the desert. Now she is completely flubbing her lines and shaking. I smell Oscar highlight.
9:15 PM - I am such a film noir junkie that I swear some of these clips play like my own memories. Yes, that is a cry for help.
9:19 PM - Ok, these Best Actress commercials are pretty damn funny. I am so glad I’ve been sitting here for the past four hours because otherwise, I would have missed ‘em. And that, my friends, would have been a damn shame.
9:21 PM - Best Documentary, Short Subjects
God Sleeps in Rwanda (2005) - Kimberlee Acquaro, Stacy Sherman
A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin (2005) - Corinne Marrinan, Eric Simonson
The Life of Kevin Carter (2004) - Dan Krauss
The Mushroom Club (2005) - Steven Okazaki
Winner: A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin
Presenter Terence Howard has a most peculiar voice. Are you sure he’s not made out of wood? Because I could have sworn I saw Sidney Poitier standing behind him and we all know how much he likes to do voices.
9:24 PM - Best Documentary, Features
Darwin’s Nightmare (2004) - Hubert Sauper
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005) - Alex Gibney, Jason Kliot
Marche de l’empereur, La (2005) - Luc Jacquet, Yves Darondeau
Murderball (2005) - Henry Alex Rubin, Dana Adam Shapiro
Street Fight (2005) - Marshall Curry
Winner: March of the Penguins
Those French sure are a crazy lot. I bet they take home their awards and feed them wine and cheese. And shouldn’t their Oscars have their arms up in the air?
9:26 PM - Jennifer Lopez introduces the song from “Crash”. Too bad she’s too stupid to play chess or I could have actually been entertained for a few minutes.
9:33 PM - Best Achievement in Art Direction
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - James D. Bissell, Jan Pascale
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) - Stuart Craig, Stephanie McMillan
King Kong (2005) - Grant Major, Dan Hennah, Simon Bright
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - John Myhre, Gretchen Rau
Pride & Prejudice (2005) - Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer
Walk the Line (2005) - Arianne Phillips
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha
When I think art direction, I think Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Not speeding bus of death like you idiots. For that, I think John Myhre and Gretchen Rau.
9:37 PM - Samuel L. Jackson introduces another montage. You know, if I really wanted to watch two seconds of one movie and then two seconds of another, I’d just use the channel button on my remote, you time wasting bastard.
9:40 PM - Well, it appears that my dad has escaped from the home again and is currently addressing the audience. Way to go, dad! Give them all the what for!
9:45 PM - Salma Hayek is trying to speak English again. Someone stop her before she accidentally declares war or something.
9:49 PM - Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Gustavo Santaolalla
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Alberto Iglesias
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - John Williams
Munich (2005) - John Williams
Pride & Prejudice (2005) - Dario Marianelli
Winner: Brokeback Mountain
Ha, John Williams. You suck. Ain’t no one going to remember you now. Gusatvo blah blah blah, you’re my hero.
9:56 PM - Jake Gyllenhaal is so serious and grown up now. I miss the old Jake - the one that used to help me with my math and buy me beer.
10:01 PM - Best Achievement in Sound
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) - Terry Porter, Dean A. Zupancic, Tony Johnson
King Kong (2005) - Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Kevin O’Connell, Greg P. Russell, Rick Kline, John Pritchett
Walk the Line (2005) - Paul Massey, Doug Hemphill, Peter F. Kurland
War of the Worlds (2005) - Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer, Ron Judkins
Winner: King Kong
Presented by Eric Bana and some chick called Jessica Alba, who really seems happy lately. I like to think it’s because of all those pictures I’ve been sending her.
10:05 PM - Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep annoy me. Somebody put them back into the time machine before Dom DeLuise wakes up in 1979 and finds them missing.
10:10 PM - Come on, Robert Altman. Whip it out and piss all over the award. You know you want to.
10:15 PM - Robert Altman had a heart transplant and received one from a woman in her late thirties. So what does ABC do? Cut to a shot of Catherine Keener. Sorry guys, but that chick’s like 45. You should have cut to Lindsay Lohan instead.
10:20 PM - How about a nice game of chess, Ludacris?
10:21 PM - Did someone just turn on the Soul Train awards? And did someone just lift my wallet?
10:23 PM - Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Hustle & Flow (2005) - Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman, Paul Beauregard (”It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp”)
Crash (2004) - Michael Becker, Kathleen York (”In the Deep”)
Transamerica (2005) - Dolly Parton (”Travelin’ Thru”)
Winner: “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp”
Speechless, but pleased.
10:28 PM - Best Achievement in Sound Editing
King Kong (2005) - Mike Hopkins, Ethan Van der Ryn
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Wylie Stateman
War of the Worlds (2005) - Richard King
Winner: King Kong
Presenter Jennifer Garner just tripped and almost went down. Too bad she wasn’t still pregnant. That would have been a lot of fun, especially for people that like to see Ben Affleck cry.
10:31 PM - George Clooney presents the “Dead Man” montage. I think I’m going to cry, but only because he ain’t in it.
10:34 PM - Ok, I think Richard Pryor just got a bigger round of applause from drug dealers across the nation than he did from his own peers. How sad.
10:38 PM - Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Bestia nel cuore, La (2005) - Cristina Comencini (Italy)
Joyeux Noël (2005) - Christian Carion (France)
Paradise Now (2005) - Hany Abu-Assad (Palestine)
Sophie Scholl - Die letzten Tage (2005) - Marc Rothemund (Germany)
Tsotsi (2005) - Gavin Hood (South Africa)
Winner: Tsotsi
Presented by Will Smith – a man whose ego is almost as big as his ears. His big, gay ears. Hey, somebody’s got to keep those gay jokes coming.
10:41 PM - Best Achievement in Editing
Cinderella Man (2005) - Daniel P. Hanley, Mike Hill
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Claire Simpson
Crash (2004) - Hughes Winborne
Munich (2005) - Michael Kahn
Walk the Line (2005) - Michael McCusker
Winner: Crash
Finally, an award for “Crash”. Just enough to keep Matt Dillon from going on a head-collecting killing spree.
10:45 PM - Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote (2005)
Terrence Howard for Hustle & Flow (2005)
Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line (2005)
David Strathairn for Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005)
Winner: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Wow, watching the television right now is like looking in the mirror. Only instead of holding an Oscar, I’m holding a ______.
That’s right - fuck this boring show. Let’s play Match Game instead.
10:55 PM - Best Achievement in Cinematography
Batman Begins (2005) - Wally Pfister
Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Rodrigo Prieto
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - Robert Elswit
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Dion Beebe
The New World (2005) - Emmanuel Lubezki
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha
I bet John Travolta has an ear piece and fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise is giving him instructions right now…to take over the world!
10:58 PM - Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Judi Dench for Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)
Felicity Huffman for Transamerica (2005)
Keira Knightley for Pride & Prejudice (2005)
Charlize Theron for North Country (2005)
Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line (2005)
Winner: The perfect role of toilet paper
11:05 PM - Fucking kill me right now. I’ve been sitting here for almost six hours.
11:08 PM - Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana
Capote (2005) - Dan Futterman
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Jeffrey Caine
A History of Violence (2005) - Josh Olson
Munich (2005) - Tony Kushner, Eric Roth
Winner: Brokeback Mountain
I hope Larry McMurtry doesn’t get confused and try to pick up Dustin Hoffman instead. Look everybody, I just made a sexual innuendo without trying.
11:14 PM - Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Crash (2004) - Paul Haggis, Robert Moresco
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - George Clooney, Grant Heslov
Match Point (2005) - Woody Allen
The Squid and the Whale (2005) - Noah Baumbach
Syriana (2005) - Stephen Gaghan
Winner: Crash
And I couldn’t be more bored. I think I will look at my nails now. All eight of them. Don’t ask.
11:23 PM -
Best Achievement in Directing
George Clooney for Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005)
Paul Haggis for Crash (2004)
Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Bennett Miller for Capote (2005)
Steven Spielberg for Munich (2005)
Winner: Ang Lee
What the hell was presenter Tom Hanks mumbling about when he walked out onto the stage? I bet it had something to do with Russell Crowe. You just watch. It’ll come out later - Russell Crowe carries a man purse.
11:23 PM - Best Motion Picture of the Year
Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Diana Ossana, James Schamus
Capote (2005) - Caroline Baron, William Vince, Michael Ohoven
Crash (2004) - Paul Haggis, Cathy Schulman
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - Grant Heslov
Munich (2005) - Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Barry Mendel
Winner: Crash
I will update with screenshots and other wonderful toys later. I need to take a long bong hit nap now. It is long overdue.
![Amy Adams 1 [MTV's TRL - November 19, 2007]](/images/large/amy adams/Amy-Adams-TRL-1-Post.jpg)
![Amy Adams 2 [MTV's TRL - November 19, 2007]](http://www.theblogyoulovetohate.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/amy-adams-trl-2.thumbnail.jpg)
![Amy Adams 3 [MTV's TRL - November 19, 2007]](http://www.theblogyoulovetohate.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/amy-adams-trl-3.thumbnail.jpg)
![Amy Adams 4 [MTV's TRL - November 19, 2007]](http://www.theblogyoulovetohate.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/amy-adams-trl-4.thumbnail.jpg)
![Amy Adams 5 [MTV's TRL - November 19, 2007]](http://www.theblogyoulovetohate.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/amy-adams-trl-5.thumbnail.jpg)
![Amy Adams 6 [MTV's TRL - November 19, 2007]](http://www.theblogyoulovetohate.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/amy-adams-trl-6.thumbnail.jpg)
