Still reeling after his messy divorce from Kim Basinger almost four years ago, actor Alec Baldwin has revealed to GQ that the horrible lies of his ex-wife got so bad, he actually wanted to die than face another day of her crazy relentless bullshit.

From Page Six:

“My ex-wife once said, ‘He’s Saddam Hussein.’ She said that. And I thought, ‘Do I hide myself in cramped underground quarters? Do I like to shoot firearms in a celebratory way? Did I execute whole villages of people and bulldoze their bodies into a pit? What are you saying? Explain this to me.’ ”

When Baldwin got hit with Basinger’s legal missives, “it said all of these things, like I wasn’t a good father [to 10-year-old daughter Ireland] . . . I remember lying in bed, thinking I wanted to die on the spot . . . I would say, ‘Please don’t let me wake up. I can’t face another day.’ “

Always the comedian, Baldwin then went on to describe one of Basinger’s lawyers as if he was pretending to be me for a day.

More from Page Six:

“[Judy] Bogen, she’s this 300-pound homunculus whose face looks like a cross between a bulldog and a clenched fist. She’s this hideously angry-looking woman. She’d snarl and hiss.”

Then finally, after defending Charlie Sheen by calling him nothing more than “one of the great horndogs of his generation”, Baldwin tackled the always tricky subject of Tom Cruise and actually came off as sounding pretty sensible.

Even more from Page Six:

“I think what’s been done to Tom is kind of silly. I don’t really understand Tom’s religious beliefs; nor do I want to. All I know is I don’t see people who are disciples of Tom’s faith driving planes into the World Trade Center. When Scientologists start crashing planes into the Pentagon, then I think we should sit Tom down and have a grand jury talk to him. In the meantime, let’s just leave him alone.”

Since I am obviously not a gentleman and therefore won’t be allowed to legally purchase a copy of GQ this month, I think I’m going to head on down to Krispy Kreme and invite Alec Baldwin out for a few drinks tomorrow night. This way he can re-enact the entire interview in front of me and I won’t have to stand outside the 7-11 across from the country club again, begging one of its members to go inside and buy me the latest copy of GQ.

[Stuff like that can get pretty humiliating, you know – especially when you’re the only kid in the parking lot over the age of 30 and your skateboard is a skinny plastic one from 1977.]

On top of that, I’m pretty sure that watching a drunken Alec Baldwin answer questions is a lot funnier than reading the answers of a drunken Alec Baldwin. I’ll just have to remember not to laugh too hard or call him a funny guy because he does appear to be the type who would turn on a dime and get all “goodfellas” on you.

And then, before you know it, he’s spouting shit like “I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you?” and you’re just sitting there thinking, “What the fuck just happened? Is this fuckin’ guy gonna eat me now or what?”

Editor’s Note: With this post, the photograph of Lindsay Lohan’s nasty vagina has now been pushed off the front page. All good things…

If you’ve always hated actor Alec Baldwin and wished that one day he would be unmercifully tortured by some crazy woman from the South, then you may have just been getting your wish for the past 15 years without knowing it.

According to Page Six, the latest court papers filed by Baldwin over the custody of his daughter Ireland make his marriage to ex-wife Kim Basinger sound about as much fun as having your teeth removed by a drunken Nazi using a broken beer bottle. And to make matters even worse, it appears that Basinger’s reign of terror has only intensified since the divorce, leaving Baldwin with no other recourse than to drown his sorrows in the warm blood of Republican children.

From Page Six:

Kim, who has custody, recently fired a state-appointed therapist who had consistently decided custody disputes in Alec’s favor. The therapist noted in his exit report that he had never before seen a case where a mother said no to every single request for visitation-schedule changes from the father. But perhaps the worst thing Basinger did was in 2002, when she scheduled Ireland’s baptism while Baldwin was working in Europe. Because of a scarcity of friends, Basinger made the gardener and housekeeper the godparents of the child.

If you ask me, Alec Baldwin needs to seriously look into the art of revenge. Because at this rate, the man’s just going to wake up one day and not even remember having any balls. Personally, I’d start by messing around with Basinger’s agoraphobia. You could have a lot of fun with that. Malls, parking lots, carnivals, internment camps – all places that could easily send her over the edge as long as you can coax her there.

Of course, there’s always the more direct approach. Like breaking into her house and beating her over the head with that Academy Award she should have never won. The only problem with that though is that you might wake the kid up in the process. And if you do, you suddenly got yourself a witness and you know what that means. She can help you clean up the blood.