Here’s Britney Spears spending some time with her two kids earlier this week. I don’t see her court-appointed parenting coach / animal trainer anywhere in these pictures so I’m just going to automatically assume that Britney ate her and stole her boots. At least then we’d have some kind of explanation as to why she’s dressed like that while playing with children.

Take that purply little number, for example. I’m betting it was much longer before that damn parenting coach ripped it to shreds during the fight to save herself from Britney’s digestive tract. And those boots? Well, it sure beats those flip-flops she was wearing earlier. I mean, how the hell is Britney supposed to play with her kids in that parking lot if she’s always stepping on broken glass and running too slow to dodge traffic. After all, nothing puts an end to playtime faster than infection and death — and Charlie Sheen when he forgets the safe word.

Editor’s Note: Blah, blah, blah, bring on the weekend. Preferably one that’s Britney-free.

Remember Britney Spears’ brilliant VMA performance from a couple weeks ago? Well, apparently the backup dancers that had to lift her fat ass and endure her foul odor haven’t been fully paid yet since Britney is oblivious to everything but food, drugs, and more food and drugs.

From Page Six:

“The dancers were paid for the actual show and some of the rehearsals, but not all of them,” an insider told Us Weekly. Spears dropped her management team, The Firm, and according to the mag, “Her management usually pays the dancers.” Spears also “ignored” the court-appointed parenting coach assigned to monitor her visits with her sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears’ coach has asked a judge to order her to show up to her office because, she “refuses to pay attention to her.”

This is perfect. With Britney ignoring everything from backup dancers to parenting coaches, it’s only a matter of time before she begins to ignore more important things like “Beware of Dog” signs and poison labels. Maybe even breathing too, if we’re all really lucky and she’s as lazy as I think she is.

Of course, you may want to pray that she begins to ignore her need for oxygen long before such things as stop signs and pedestrians or she might accidentally kill you one day and barbecue your corpse. They do that with road kill, you know, those Louisiana natives. That’s why me and Whoopi Goldberg try to stay out of the Deep South. Well, that and warrants.

Eva Mendes isn’t wearing a bra because she’s dressed like a man. I know, I know — that sentence was like an emotional rollercoaster. [Eva Mendes Does Gotham]

Avril Lavigne whores it up for her new music video by being herself. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Keira Knightley is currently shooting “The Duchess” in London. No, it’s actually more boring than it sounds. [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears is obsessed with Princess Diana and her untimely death during World War Vietnam. [Hollywood Backwash]

If Jennifer Hudson ever blew me a kiss, I’d start to salivate at the smell of bacon. It’s delicious! [Dlisted]

Was Vanessa Hudgens fired from Disney because she was naked in those photos or because she wasn’t wearing any mouse ears? [The Naked Celebrity]

So this is the woman who claims that Lindsay Lohan stole her fiance? Damn, she’s lucky she didn’t lose him earlier to an old bag lady or an escaped bear. Bitch is ugly. [The Star Blogger]

Hilary Swank is going to complete her lesbian trifecta by playing Amelia Earhart. [Celebrity Nation]

Nick Nolte still hasn’t named his new baby yet. I’m guessing it’s because he’s been too busy working — on that keg in the basement. A keg named Isabelle. [Celebrity Baby Names]

And finally, here’s Ellen DeGeneres crying about dogs or something. I really don’t know since I prefer to only watch lesbians when they’re naked and kissing each other.

Public nuisance Oprah Winfrey wants the world to know that it was an overactive thyroid that caused her to gain an extra 20 pounds this year and not her love for sweet, sweet bacon.

From The Associated Press:

“My body was turning on me,” she says in the October issue of O, the Oprah magazine. “First hyperthyroidism, which sped up my metabolism and left me unable to sleep for days. (Most people lose weight. I didn’t.)”

“Then hypothyroidism, which slowed down my metabolism and made me want to sleep all the time. (Most people gain weight. I did! Twenty pounds!)”

Hyperthyroidism can also cause a fast heartbeat, among other symptoms; hypothyroidism, the opposite condition, can result in fatigue and weakness.

Winfrey, exhausted and stressed, took a month-long break in Hawaii to regain her health.

So if that’s her excuse for being fat, what’s her excuse for being so god damn annoying? An overactive sanctimonious gland? That sure would explain why she thinks she’s so much better than the rest of us. And who knows, she might very well be. Because I know that if I had all that money and syndicated television fame, my girls school would be more like a brothel and Dr. Phil’s corpse would be fertilizing my garden right now. Oh yeah, and I’d probably start an organization to help people called the avenging angel network because, you know, most people are assholes and need to be taught a lesson.

Editor’s Note: Here’s Britney Spears because, well , we just don’t see enough of her and I would love to watch her wrestle Oprah one day.

Once again, Victoria Beckham is caught off guard by the paparazzi. C’mon, guys, at least give her a chance to pose next time. [Victoria Beckham Is Just Hanging Out]

I wonder if Hilary Duff knows that people can see through her dress, or if she’s just blaming all that vomiting around her on last night’s party. [Pop Atlas]

Nick Nolte is a father again at the age of 66. All of which begs the question: does Nick Nolte think babies are full of beer? [Dlisted]

Jennifer Lopez went on TRL yesterday looking like the damn Hamburglar. Felon. [Bizzom]

I think Halle Berry being pregnant will be good for us all. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

This Hayden Panettiere upskirt moment brought to you by the makers of yawwwwwn. [Celebridiot]

Now that Britney’s passed her first court-ordered drug test, look for her to celebrate by fucking up the next one. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Lindsay Lohan’s finally out of rehab. Maybe she should get together with Britney and celebrate. [The Star Blogger]

Nip/Tuck will be coming back for its 5th season on Oct. 30. Don’t make me have to hurt you for not watching it. Yeah, that’s right, John, Jim, Tom, Michelle, Liz, Kate, Jack, Chris, Alex, Paul, Todd, Tim, Susan, Ann, Kari, Kevin, Omar, and anyone whose name ends with a “y”, I’m talking to you. [Popbytes]

And finally, it’s Britney, bitch. I think she means you.