Troubled (?) pop star Britney Spears was hospitalized late Thursday night after keeping police and rescue workers at bay for more than an hour by locking herself in a bathroom with her two children at her home in Beverly Hills. While no one knows exactly how the police managed to successfully defuse what one witness called “a hostage situation”, many believe she was simply coaxed out with the promise of cake and some ATTENTION.

The always reliable (but often misunderstood) OK! Magazine has the breakdown:

11:32 a.m.: Britney, in a bright fuschia halter dress and heels, arrives over 90 minutes late to her final chance to give a court-ordered deposition in her custody battle with ex-husband Kevin Federline. She is only able to be deposed for approximately 14 minutes.

12:20 p.m.: Brit arrives back home at her gated community, The Summit. Her sons are there for their scheduled visit, as is a court-appointed monitor.

7 p.m.: K-Fed’s security team arrives to pick up boys Sean Preston and Jayden James and bring them back to their father’s house. When there is a delay in releasing the boys, Britney’s assistant, Carla, makes excuses for the pop star. However, it soon becomes clear that there is a problem.

At some point, 2-year-old Sean Preston is removed from the house, leaving only little Jayden inside with his mother.

8 p.m.: The police are notified of a custodial situation at Britney’s house and officers are dispatched to The Summit. But when they arrive, they find that the court-appointed monitor, who has been locked out of the house, is not in possession of the paperwork required to allow them to enter Britney’s house.

9:20 p.m.: K-Fed’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan arrives at The Summit with the required paperwork. He and five police cars enter the gated community and drive up to Britney’s house.

10:30 p.m.: More than a dozen police officers, as well as two ambulances and a handful of fire rescue trucks are now on the scene. Sometime before 11 p.m., Britney’s cousin Alli and Brit’s assistant Carla leave the house, leaving Brit alone with Jayden James.

11:45 p.m.: Britney is taken out of her home strapped to a gurney and placed into an ambulance, which is escorted by 13 police cars with sirens blaring to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, arriving at approximately 12:30 a.m. Jayden is brought to the hospital in a separate vehicle.

I must admit that as far as breakdowns go, this one kind of pales in comparison to the one Britney had last year when she shaved her head and attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella. Now that had a spark of originality to it. Unlike this one which simply looks like the end of an old Warner Bros. cartoon. Cue the mouse eating cheese as the house falls down.

Editor’s Update: Yep, according to People Magazine, Britney dun lost all her child-visitation rights after last night’s fiasco and has been ordered to have her tubes tied until dead. Hooray! More cake for me.

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

Here’s Britney Spears celebrating her 26th birthday at the Scandinavian Style Mansion in Bel Air last night. As you can see, she’s pretty damn excited at the prospect of eating all those strawberries since they have been proven to fight cancer, prevent strokes, and improve astronaut performance (seriously). Oh yeah, and they come with cake.

Editor’s Note: Also celebrating their birthday: my unyielding hatred for Britney, which turns 10 today, and this dumb fucking blog I’ve been writing for the past two years. You know, I should only get cancer and die for all the crap I’ve been spewing these last two years, but I honestly don’t think that’s ever going to happen. At least not as long as I keep eating these strawberries. They’re magically preventative!

Does this mean that Heidi Klum is now qualified to fix my sink? [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Looks like some of the Spice Girls have been wearing Britney Spears’ old dresses — or as she likes to call them, “napkins”. [The Star Blogger]

It’s been exactly one year since Tom Cruise made his hostage taking official. [Celebrity Nation]

For someone named Lil’ Kim, she sure has a big head. But then I guess she’d have to since she’s got a whole lot of ugly to carry around. [That Grape Juice]

Amy Winehouse is being criticized for glamourizing cocaine by parading around at 80 pounds with missing teeth. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears will be spending her Thanksgiving in *snort* Miley Cyrus’ bathroom. [Hollywood Backwash]

Britney Spears has hired a private detective to dig up dirt on her ex-husband K-Fed. Cue the backhoe. [Dlisted]

Did you know that the American Music Awards were on last night? I didn’t, but that’s probably because I was too busy sleeping through “Desperate Housewives” and “Brothers & Sisters”. [Bizzom]

And finally, here’s the one highlight from last night’s American Music Awards. If you find yourself still watching after the guy trips and falls, then I think I may know why the kids in the school keep beating you up.

Amy Winehouse bears a striking resemblance to that pile of dog shit I stepped in this morning. What, not funny enough for you? The pile of dog shit’s standing behind me right now, isn’t it? [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears apparently spends close to $5000 a month on fast food, double-lattes, and spit. [The Naked Celebrity]

Shia LeBeouf was arrested over the weekend for trying to grow a mustache without a permit. Let that be a warning to you, Britney. [Celebrity Nation]

According to this picture of Robert Downey Jr., somebody out there is giving away free pizzas with their hair dye. [Popbytes]

If I were Sherlock Holmes, I’d be using my magnifying glass right now to help Hayden Panettiere find her cleavage. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Score one for consistency: Jennifer Hudson is as delusional as she is fat. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera has finally confirmed her pregnancy and the existence of gravity. Denial masquerading as privacy is fun! [Hollywood Backwash]

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace has finally confirmed that there is no God by having twins this weekend. May Tom Cruise have mercy on us all. [Dlisted]

And finally, here’s Barack Obama on SNL last weekend. That’s Barack Obama — B-A-R-A-C-K – O-B-A-M-A. You know, in case you want to support someone who won’t fuck up the country for a change. Oops, I meant C-O-U-N-T-R-I-E-S.

Here’s Britney Spears spending some time with her two kids earlier this week. I don’t see her court-appointed parenting coach / animal trainer anywhere in these pictures so I’m just going to automatically assume that Britney ate her and stole her boots. At least then we’d have some kind of explanation as to why she’s dressed like that while playing with children.

Take that purply little number, for example. I’m betting it was much longer before that damn parenting coach ripped it to shreds during the fight to save herself from Britney’s digestive tract. And those boots? Well, it sure beats those flip-flops she was wearing earlier. I mean, how the hell is Britney supposed to play with her kids in that parking lot if she’s always stepping on broken glass and running too slow to dodge traffic. After all, nothing puts an end to playtime faster than infection and death — and Charlie Sheen when he forgets the safe word.

Editor’s Note: Blah, blah, blah, bring on the weekend. Preferably one that’s Britney-free.

From Page Six:

“The dancers were paid for the actual show and some of the rehearsals, but not all of them,” an insider told Us Weekly. Spears dropped her management team, The Firm, and according to the mag, “Her management usually pays the dancers.” Spears also “ignored” the court-appointed parenting coach assigned to monitor her visits with her sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears’ coach has asked a judge to order her to show up to her office because, she “refuses to pay attention to her.”

This is perfect. With Britney ignoring everything from backup dancers to parenting coaches, it’s only a matter of time before she begins to ignore more important things like “Beware of Dog” signs and poison labels. Maybe even breathing too, if we’re all really lucky and she’s as lazy as I think she is.

Of course, you may want to pray that she begins to ignore her need for oxygen long before such things as stop signs and pedestrians or she might accidentally kill you one day and barbecue your corpse. They do that with road kill, you know, those Louisiana natives. That’s why me and Whoopi Goldberg try to stay out of the Deep South. Well, that and warrants.

Avril Lavigne whores it up for her new music video by being herself. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Keira Knightley is currently shooting “The Duchess” in London. No, it’s actually more boring than it sounds. [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears is obsessed with Princess Diana and her untimely death during World War Vietnam. [Hollywood Backwash]

If Jennifer Hudson ever blew me a kiss, I’d start to salivate at the smell of bacon. It’s delicious! [Dlisted]

Was Vanessa Hudgens fired from Disney because she was naked in those photos or because she wasn’t wearing any mouse ears? [The Naked Celebrity]

So this is the woman who claims that Lindsay Lohan stole her fiance? Damn, she’s lucky she didn’t lose him earlier to an old bag lady or an escaped bear. Bitch is ugly. [The Star Blogger]

Hilary Swank is going to complete her lesbian trifecta by playing Amelia Earhart. [Celebrity Nation]

Nick Nolte still hasn’t named his new baby yet. I’m guessing it’s because he’s been too busy working — on that keg in the basement. A keg named Isabelle. [Celebrity Baby Names]

And finally, here’s Ellen DeGeneres crying about dogs or something. I really don’t know since I prefer to only watch lesbians when they’re naked and kissing each other.

From The Associated Press:

“My body was turning on me,” she says in the October issue of O, the Oprah magazine. “First hyperthyroidism, which sped up my metabolism and left me unable to sleep for days. (Most people lose weight. I didn’t.)”

“Then hypothyroidism, which slowed down my metabolism and made me want to sleep all the time. (Most people gain weight. I did! Twenty pounds!)”

Hyperthyroidism can also cause a fast heartbeat, among other symptoms; hypothyroidism, the opposite condition, can result in fatigue and weakness.

Winfrey, exhausted and stressed, took a month-long break in Hawaii to regain her health.

So if that’s her excuse for being fat, what’s her excuse for being so god damn annoying? An overactive sanctimonious gland? That sure would explain why she thinks she’s so much better than the rest of us. And who knows, she might very well be. Because I know that if I had all that money and syndicated television fame, my girls school would be more like a brothel and Dr. Phil’s corpse would be fertilizing my garden right now. Oh yeah, and I’d probably start an organization to help people called the avenging angel network because, you know, most people are assholes and need to be taught a lesson.

Editor’s Note: Here’s Britney Spears because, well , we just don’t see enough of her and I would love to watch her wrestle Oprah one day.

I wonder if Hilary Duff knows that people can see through her dress, or if she’s just blaming all that vomiting around her on last night’s party. [Pop Atlas]

Nick Nolte is a father again at the age of 66. All of which begs the question: does Nick Nolte think babies are full of beer? [Dlisted]

Jennifer Lopez went on TRL yesterday looking like the damn Hamburglar. Felon. [Bizzom]

I think Halle Berry being pregnant will be good for us all. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

This Hayden Panettiere upskirt moment brought to you by the makers of yawwwwwn. [Celebridiot]

Now that Britney’s passed her first court-ordered drug test, look for her to celebrate by fucking up the next one. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Lindsay Lohan’s finally out of rehab. Maybe she should get together with Britney and celebrate. [The Star Blogger]

Nip/Tuck will be coming back for its 5th season on Oct. 30. Don’t make me have to hurt you for not watching it. Yeah, that’s right, John, Jim, Tom, Michelle, Liz, Kate, Jack, Chris, Alex, Paul, Todd, Tim, Susan, Ann, Kari, Kevin, Omar, and anyone whose name ends with a “y”, I’m talking to you. [Popbytes]

And finally, it’s Britney, bitch. I think she means you.