Ashlee Simpson was in Miami last night, hosting a New Year’s Eve party for a bunch of people who must really hate themselves. No, I wasn’t there, but apparently Ashlee’s boyfriend was and now I’m going to have to look up his name because I have no idea who the hell he is or why he has hair like Cher.

Okay, so his name is Pete Wentz and he’s a musician of sorts. And by that, I mean he plays bass for some band called Fall Out Boy and, well, since I’m over the age of twelve, I really don’t know what that means. Oh yeah, and apparently, he likes to use an entire bottle of conditioner in the shower as well.

Special Note to Ashlee Simpson: I see you’re still kissing like you still have your old nose. Don’t worry, you still have a few more inches left before you start jabbing him in the cheek. Hey, perhaps you should start practicing more. Here, try my ass.