Wow, here’s a surprise: Angelina Jolie sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I haven’t seen anything like that since the last time she was sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I think it was sometime earlier this morning. No, wait a minute, that was my penis. Apparently, she’s got a big fucking mouth too. [Angelina, My Penis Challenges You To A Debate]

Amy Winehouse bears a striking resemblance to that pile of dog shit I stepped in this morning. What, not funny enough for you? The pile of dog shit’s standing behind me right now, isn’t it? [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears apparently spends close to $5000 a month on fast food, double-lattes, and spit. [The Naked Celebrity]

Shia LeBeouf was arrested over the weekend for trying to grow a mustache without a permit. Let that be a warning to you, Britney. [Celebrity Nation]

According to this picture of Robert Downey Jr., somebody out there is giving away free pizzas with their hair dye. [Popbytes]

If I were Sherlock Holmes, I’d be using my magnifying glass right now to help Hayden Panettiere find her cleavage. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Score one for consistency: Jennifer Hudson is as delusional as she is fat. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera has finally confirmed her pregnancy and the existence of gravity. Denial masquerading as privacy is fun! [Hollywood Backwash]

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace has finally confirmed that there is no God by having twins this weekend. May Tom Cruise have mercy on us all. [Dlisted]

And finally, here’s Barack Obama on SNL last weekend. That’s Barack Obama — B-A-R-A-C-K – O-B-A-M-A. You know, in case you want to support someone who won’t fuck up the country for a change. Oops, I meant C-O-U-N-T-R-I-E-S.

After weeks of speculation and concrete evidence, an actor close to Heroes’ co-stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia (see?) has denied rumors that the two are romantically involved and thinks that we should all just “let it go, and respect their privacy.” Which means, of course, that the two of them are romantically involved and this guy thinks we’re all fucking idiots.

From People:

“The rumor is not true,” costar James Kyson Lee, who plays Ando, told PEOPLE at Tuesday’s Lift Up America Meet Me in Miami premiere in Hollywood. “Let’s just end it there.”

He added about the romance talk: “I think we were just surprised because they’re 12 years apart – for people to even conceive that. I know there have been a lot of jokes, Hayden turning 18 and whatnot. At some point, you just have to let it go, and respect their privacy.”

I know this might come as a great shock to you, but I could honestly care less about whether or not these two are dating. What I do care about, however, are people lying to me. And, I guess, the high price of gasoline.

So, as a result, I will not be driving cross-country to kick this guy’s ass. Instead, I think I’m just going to send him a package to teach him a lesson. A package that I hope he opens up in front of his children so they, too, can learn a lesson and I can justify the cost of spending ten bucks on a book called “Sally & The Lie That Ate Her Whole Town”. Plus tax. And shipping.

Editor’s Note: That concrete evidence I was talking about:

Nothing says “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing” more than a celebrity walking one dog while carrying another. Or wearing a T-shirt that says “I’m Off The Hook” with the picture of a pay phone on it. I mean, at eighteen, does Hayden Panettiere even know what a pay phone is?

Wouldn’t she be better off wearing a T-shirt both she and her fan demographic could understand? Like maybe one with a smiling half-slaughtered pig on it, standing next to a vacant meat hook and giving everyone a thumbs up. Not only would that be like the coolest T-shirt ever, but teenagers everywhere would flock to their local Gaps asking for that totally off the hook T-shirt with Britney on it.

And I’d make millions! Millions I say!

Wow, this gown is like the best idea ever. Especially if you just turned 18 and you don’t want everyone to know that you’re knocked up with your gym teacher’s baby. Not that I’m saying Hayden Panettiere is actually pregnant here, but that would be the most plausible explanation for why the bottom half of her gown looks like a discarded cupcake wrapper.

Of course, there’s always a possibility that I could be way off base here (unlikely) and she’s simply wearing this gown because she has thighs like Godzilla. Which would then beg the question: how the hell did she ever wrestle it away from Kirstie Alley?

Editor’s Note: There’s a designer lying dead and half-eaten somewhere, isn’t there?