No, Cameron Diaz is not about to throw up here nor is she trying to stop her yawn from collapsing the known universe. Instead, Cameron is simply implementing step #1 in her plan to win back the suddenly wise Justin Timberlake. A little step I like to call “The Jennifer Aniston”, or, for those too dumb to make the connection, the “look as if you’re having a good time even though you’re dead on the inside” step.

As stated in the Bible, this step is usually reserved for those people who are normally cheerful and lighthearted, but are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that they are now alone and will probably die as such. Which is why I am kind of puzzled to see Cameron using this step since she often comes off as a slightly more cartoonish Cruella de Ville, who would rather use the skin of orphans for her coat instead of the cuddly Dalmatians used by Jennifer Aniston.

The way I see it, if Cameron really wanted to make Justin jealous, she should have just bypassed this step altogether and simply got the paparazzi to take photographs of her beating her new boyfriend – pro surfer Kelly Slater – with a phonebook and defiling him with urine. Now that’s something that would definitely make Justin think twice about his decision to split with El Diaz and probably move him to tears as well. Seriously, there’s nothing like mixing the Stockholm syndrome with some nostalgia and a little bit of urine to bring your man back to you. Believe me. I know.

Actress Cameron Diaz suffered some confusion in England recently after the media kept referring to her new film “The Holiday” as a “rom-com” and not a romantic comedy or piece of shit like us Americans do.

From Contact Music:

She explains, “It’s a ‘rom-com’ as they call it in England. I don’t know why they like to abbreviate, but they do. “They say ‘rom-com’ and I’m like, ‘What are you talking about?’ What’s a rom com?’ “The ‘blonde’ came out. It’s like there was an attack: ‘We’re going to Rom Com four!’ Once I got it clear I was able to sell the movie!”

Now I don’t know if Cameron Diaz is still abroad promoting her latest piece of celluloid torture, but if she is, I think I know how we can finally get rid of her for good this time. And by “we”, I mean you too, Justin, so pay close attention to the plan here.

Step 1: Call Cameron Diaz

Step 2: Tell her that the United States has outlawed all forms of make-up and acne medication and anyone caught using these products will be promptly arrested and deported.

Step 3: Remind her again that violators will be deported so she might as well stay where she is and save herself a trip.

Step 4: Remind her still that ugly people have no place in America and it’s damn near impossible for Justin to bring sexy back with her gangly ass always hanging around.

Step 5: End the phone call with a kind warning that if she isn’t careful, she might one day accidentally consume her entire face with that enormous mouth of hers.

Of course, if you have better things to do with your time like I obviously don’t, you could always just call her up and tell her that the entire continent of North America is sinking into the ocean. The only problem with that though is that you would have to end that call with a pretty convincing “gurgle, gurgle” and then hope she never watches the news again. After all, countries submerged in water usually don’t invade countries that aren’t so just make sure you have that assassin handy for Plan C.

A pair of young women approached Justin Timberlake recently after they spotted him in the corner of a Hollywood nightclub, making out with a hot brunette who was not girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Or at least so they thought.

From National Enquirer:

…felt a tug on his belt and turned to find two young babes yelling, “What are you doing?… You’re cheating on Cameron!” Caught off balance, Justin tried to speak – until his dark-tressed hottie stepped into the light and told the shocked young fans: “Hey, girls, thanks for being so protective, but it’s me… Cameron! I had my hair dyed for a movie.” The girls were mortified, but CAMERON DIAZ thought it was hilarious – and reminded Justin: “Remember – my girls are always watching!”

Apparently, Justin Timberlake is a whole lot more understanding than most men in a situation like that. If it was me, I would have simply turned around and given those two women the beating of a lifetime, all without saying a word. But that’s only because I don’t like it when people sneak up behind me and touch my belt. It’s much too important an accessory to be messed around with, especially when I’m wearing my Spiderman Underoos and I’m trying keep my secret identity a secret.