I see the police have finally taken my advice and begun taking mugshots of whores from farther back. [Diane Kruger Used To Look Much Better]

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn't Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

Wow, here’s a surprise: Angelina Jolie sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I haven’t seen anything like that since the last time she was sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I think it was sometime earlier this morning. No, wait a minute, that was my penis. Apparently, she’s got a big fucking mouth too. [Angelina, My Penis Challenges You To A Debate]

Amy Winehouse bears a striking resemblance to that pile of dog shit I stepped in this morning. What, not funny enough for you? The pile of dog shit’s standing behind me right now, isn’t it? [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears apparently spends close to $5000 a month on fast food, double-lattes, and spit. [The Naked Celebrity]

Shia LeBeouf was arrested over the weekend for trying to grow a mustache without a permit. Let that be a warning to you, Britney. [Celebrity Nation]

According to this picture of Robert Downey Jr., somebody out there is giving away free pizzas with their hair dye. [Popbytes]

If I were Sherlock Holmes, I’d be using my magnifying glass right now to help Hayden Panettiere find her cleavage. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Score one for consistency: Jennifer Hudson is as delusional as she is fat. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera has finally confirmed her pregnancy and the existence of gravity. Denial masquerading as privacy is fun! [Hollywood Backwash]

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace has finally confirmed that there is no God by having twins this weekend. May Tom Cruise have mercy on us all. [Dlisted]

And finally, here’s Barack Obama on SNL last weekend. That’s Barack Obama — B-A-R-A-C-K – O-B-A-M-A. You know, in case you want to support someone who won’t fuck up the country for a change. Oops, I meant C-O-U-N-T-R-I-E-S.

Cameron Diaz was in New York City earlier today, shooting scenes for her new film “What Happens in Vegas”, a sure to be delightful comedy co-starring Ashton Kutcher and Lake Bell.

Now to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what this film is about or why they’re shooting it in NYC instead of Las Vegas, but I do know that the odds of it being funny are about a million to one. Or ten to one if Ashton Kutcher drops out right now and they replace him with Joe Piscopo (“Johnny Dangerously”, “Wise Guys”, “Dead Heat” – works of genius, I tell ya…once).

Unless, of course, what I’m looking at right now is actually a picture of Cameron Diaz having a stroke. Then you might as well just keep Ashton Kutcher and increase those odds to ten to one anyway. Because honestly, people, I can think of few things funnier than watching Cameron Diaz limp around for ninety minutes while talking out of the side of her mouth. And if that makes me and Justin Timberlake assholes, then so be it.

On the downside, it is entirely possible that Cameron’s new mannerisms could distract from the heart of the story and kill the romance. To which I offer the producers this simple solution: cast Kirk Douglas as her father and make their characters of Russian descent. Not only will people buy it completely, but having two stroke victims on that screen will mean twice the laughs.

Editor’s Tip: If you – like me – can’t help but read the title “What Happens in Vegas” without following it up with “stays in Vegas”, then you might want to think about chopping off one of your fingers. It provides the perfect distraction.

More odds:

Odds you found this post funny: 10,000 to 1

Odds you’re wishing a stroke on me right now: 10 to 1

Odds you’re not wishing a stroke on me because what I really deserve is for you to cut my brake lines so I end up a blind quadriplegic: Even

Isn’t Cameron Diaz just beautiful? That smile of hers sure does look a whole lot wider now that Justin Timberlake is no longer in the picture. And do you know what else is wider? Those stairs she’s about to climb. They used to be so thin and narrow before. It was really just an accident waiting to happen.

Editor’s Note: If you’re one of those people who glanced at the headline and immediately thought I meant that Cameron Diaz’s ass was getting wider, then HA! – who’s the bastard now?

Now that Justin Timberlake is no longer playing Batman to her Joker, Cameron Diaz has been out looking for a new man to torture since December. Early on, it looked like pro surfer Kelly Slater could be that man, but since I have not seen any pictures of them together since January, I can only assume that he grew tired of her relentless bitching and his body is now buried somewhere in Honolulu with 89 stab wounds.

But fear not, Cameron Diaz fans (all one of you), because it appears that your idol has found a new man to annoy these days: Jude “Dr. Coke” Law, her co-star from “The Holiday”. As you can see, when Cameron is in love, there is no such thing as boundaries. No such thing as locks on the bathroom door. If she wants to gaze into your ear and give pet names to the moles on your face as you look off uncomfortably into the distance for help, that’s what she’s going to do. Because she’s Cameron Diaz, god damn it. And she’s got a gun pointed right against your ribcage so “just smile and make it look like we’re having a good time, Jude, and we both might just walk out of here alive.”