Name: Amy Horowitz

Nickname: Lincoln Tunnel

Voted Most Likely To Become A Famous Actress Without The Aid Of Plastic Surgery To Make Her Look Pretty

President of the Puffy Eyes Brigade – Member of the Secret Abortion Club – Member of Red-Headed Jews United

Quote: “Jesus built my hotrod, but not a faith based on fact. Son of god, my ass.”

Special Note To The Photographer: If you hurry, you might just be able to get your old job back at Sears since I was recently fired for replacing the teddy bear with moonshine. According to my studies, crying kids cry a whole lot less when they’re passed out drunk and put in a box.

Hilary Duff, the star of a bunch of things I would rather burn than watch, made two little girls cry last week after she snubbed them at a Texas restaurant with her family.

Bitch, party of one!

From NY Daily News:

But when word got out that the famous singer was at Pier 36 Seafood and Oyster bar, two 9-year-old girls arrived carrying posters and T-shirts and hoping for autographs.

“On their way out, the owner asked if Hilary would sign a menu for her daughter and she did,” says an insider.

But when the youngsters approached, the source says, “[Hilary] said, ‘I don’t really get to spend a lot of time with my family; sorry’ and walked out the door.

“She made one of the little girls cry.”

Come on, Hilary, if you have time to create an online profile for your dog, then surely you have time to sign a few autographs and thank these little girls for making you such a stuck-up bitch. After all, if it wasn’t for them, no one – aside from maybe the stuffed animals who often marvel at the way you sing into that brush – would know about you and I would probably be off gardening right now instead of writing this shit.

So yeah, thanks a lot, you fucking nine-year-olds, I may never get my tomatoes planted in time now.

In an effort to draw even more attention to herself, Hilary Duff has created a profile for her dog Lola on Dogster, an online community for dogs. And because I’m a complete dumbass, I’ve decided to write about it.

From Dogster:

Hilary, who fell head over heels for Lola when she was touring in Florida a couple of years ago, is thrilled that Lola has become a Dogster devotee. “Lola is the best, and she has such a great personality. I am excited that she is part of the Dogster community so people will get to know her, and she’ll be able to get to know all the other top dogs out there,” said Hilary.

Move over, Scientology. There’s a new litmus test for sheer insanity in Hollywood and its name is Dogster. Apparently, it’s just like Friendster, but aimed at people who obviously have no friends and want to keep it that way.

New rule: anyone caught creating what essentially amounts to a fucking personal ad for their dog online will now be immediately classified as batshit crazy and drowned in the nearest body of water before they can breed.*

*Similar to the old “anyone caught listening to and agreeing with Tom Cruise” rule.

Editor’s Cheap Shot: And then afterwards, Hilary created her own profile on Horsester.

Editor’s Note: Special thanks to Eric for the tip. I honestly thought you were fucking with me, man.

I don’t know what the hell Hilary Duff is doing here, but that bottle of vodka I had for breakfast this morning is telling me that she’s about to plunge her hand deep into the chest of some guy who really hates mustaches and successfully pull his heart out before the damn thing stops beating. An act that really isn’t that surprising since it’s as easy as breathing for most bitches.

Oh, did I say “bitches”? I meant to say “witches”. Like the fat lesbians that hang out at my local Pizza Hut all day, playing Pac-Man on that tabletop console that was commissioned back in 1981. They, too, like to wear black and even refer to themselves as Wiccan, which I believe means “witch with a fat ass” in Dutch. Unlike Hilary, however, they’re heart crushing/ripping out behavior is limited to laughing at me when I ask them out or dumping a bucket of pig’s blood on me at the senior prom. Cunts.

Oh, did I say “cunts”? I meant to say “fucking cunts”.