Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it customary for God to answer all prayers when given. Because I’m pretty sure I remember asking him last week to reach down from the heavens and stab Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle before the year was out. Yet here I am, staring at this picture of her ringing in the New Year, unscathed for the 26th fucking time.

Obviously, I must have done something wrong when praying here. Was I supposed to use my thumb and pinky as an imaginary phone or something? Or did he just ignore me because I’m all for gay marriage? Come on, you Christian bastards, throw me a bone here and tell me what I did wrong. Paris’ death will only help us all.

UPDATE: According to an e-mail I received from Louise in Kentucky, God was unable to “shank that whore of Babylon to death” (her words, not mine) because her dress resembled that of a stain glass window. And, as any church can tell you, God really, really likes pretty glass. Which, of course, does little to explain why a being with such tastes would be against gay marriage, but I guess even God has his demons to struggle with.

Ashlee Simpson was in Miami last night, hosting a New Year’s Eve party for a bunch of people who must really hate themselves. No, I wasn’t there, but apparently Ashlee’s boyfriend was and now I’m going to have to look up his name because I have no idea who the hell he is or why he has hair like Cher.

Okay, so his name is Pete Wentz and he’s a musician of sorts. And by that, I mean he plays bass for some band called Fall Out Boy and, well, since I’m over the age of twelve, I really don’t know what that means. Oh yeah, and apparently, he likes to use an entire bottle of conditioner in the shower as well.

Special Note to Ashlee Simpson: I see you’re still kissing like you still have your old nose. Don’t worry, you still have a few more inches left before you start jabbing him in the cheek. Hey, perhaps you should start practicing more. Here, try my ass.