I see the police have finally taken my advice and begun taking mugshots of whores from farther back. [Diane Kruger Used To Look Much Better]

Teri Hatcher is being sued by a cosmetics company for making it look like their makeup doesn’t work. [In Case You Didn’t Know]

Britney Spears was almost replaced on her own music video…by a ten-pound ham. It was later eaten. [Dlisted]

So this is what it’s going to look like when I punch Paris Hilton in the face one day. If only you could photograph applause as well. [Hollywood Snark]

Selma Blair is single again! Who’s Selma Blair! Oh! Thanks! Nevermind then! I’ll be in my study! Reading! [Celebrity Nation]

Considering the size of her ass and the tightness of her dress, I think Beyonce should have gone ahead and skinned that last leprechaun. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Amy Winehouse looks like she just lost her Mommy, who, coincidentally, was holding her stash. [Celebridiot]

If I was Dennis Quaid, people would be on fire right now. Lots and lots of people. [TMZ]

I’m beginning to think Ashley Tisdale got a nose job in an effort to look more like Brittany Murphy. [Hollywood Backwash]

And finally, did you know that nothing predates Jesus? According to Sherri Shepherd and the talking dinosaurs from that era, it’s true.

During a recent press junket for his new film “I Am Legend”, Will Smith dodged a question about his past involvement with Scientology by saying that he doesn’t “necessarily believe in organized religion” and that’s how he became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

From US Magazine:

“I love my God, my higher power, but it is mine and mine alone, and I create my connection, and I decide how my connection is going to be,” he added.

Describing himself as a “student of world religions,” Smith — who was raised a Baptist — said: “I believe that my connection to my higher power is separate from everybody’s.

“I don’t believe that the Muslims have all the answers and all the beliefs. I don’t believe the Christians have all the answers and beliefs, or that the Jews have all the answers.”

I love Will Smith. We have so much in common. He doesn’t necessarily believe in organized religion; I don’t necessarily believe in organized religion or pants. His parents just don’t understand; my parents just don’t understand why I don’t wear pants. His wife is a closet lesbian who likes to wear pants instead of dresses; my wife has a really big closet full of dresses I like to wear instead of pants. See? It’s like we’re brothers, only both of us are still alive after last Thanksgiving’s fistfight.

Editor’s Note: Yo homes, smell ya later!

For the first time in, oh, let’s say 20 years, the Spice Girls entertained a crowd of, oh, let’s say maybe ten people with a, oh, let’s say horribly lip-synced concert in Vancouver yesterday. And just so you know, the Vancouver I’m talking about here is the one found in Canada and not the one that doesn’t exist in England. I know it’s pretty easy to make that mistake between the two, especially with the Spice Girls waving around the Union Jack here and not a flag with pancakes on it.

Here’s hoping they were bayoneted to death on their way out. Although knowing the Canadians, I’m pretty sure they just offered them universal healthcare instead.

Here’s Britney Spears celebrating her 26th birthday at the Scandinavian Style Mansion in Bel Air last night. As you can see, she’s pretty damn excited at the prospect of eating all those strawberries since they have been proven to fight cancer, prevent strokes, and improve astronaut performance (seriously). Oh yeah, and they come with cake.

Editor’s Note: Also celebrating their birthday: my unyielding hatred for Britney, which turns 10 today, and this dumb fucking blog I’ve been writing for the past two years. You know, I should only get cancer and die for all the crap I’ve been spewing these last two years, but I honestly don’t think that’s ever going to happen. At least not as long as I keep eating these strawberries. They’re magically preventative!

Say what you will about Tara Reid, but at least she’s humble poor enough to do her own grocery shopping contaminating.