It’s no secret that Jessica Biel finds the paparazzi annoying, especially since she started dating Justin Timberlake. But did you know that she’s been out there recently trying to turn the tables on them by picking up a camera and PHOTOGRAPHING THEM! Talk about a most brilliant plan — if she was eight-years-old and mildly retarded.

You know, there was a time about six months ago in which I would have actually taken the time out of my busy schedule to exploit Jessica’s weakness to fight fire with fire by stalking her in the nude in the hopes of her doing the same to me. But now I have to admit that Jessica Biel simply annoys me and needs to just go away. That’s why I’ve decided to hire a stuntman to follow her around on fire in two-minute intervals. Hopefully, she’ll take the bait.

Wow, here’s a surprise: Angelina Jolie sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I haven’t seen anything like that since the last time she was sitting up on stage with a microphone in her hand. I think it was sometime earlier this morning. No, wait a minute, that was my penis. Apparently, she’s got a big fucking mouth too. [Angelina, My Penis Challenges You To A Debate]

Amy Winehouse bears a striking resemblance to that pile of dog shit I stepped in this morning. What, not funny enough for you? The pile of dog shit’s standing behind me right now, isn’t it? [Pop Atlas]

Britney Spears apparently spends close to $5000 a month on fast food, double-lattes, and spit. [The Naked Celebrity]

Shia LeBeouf was arrested over the weekend for trying to grow a mustache without a permit. Let that be a warning to you, Britney. [Celebrity Nation]

According to this picture of Robert Downey Jr., somebody out there is giving away free pizzas with their hair dye. [Popbytes]

If I were Sherlock Holmes, I’d be using my magnifying glass right now to help Hayden Panettiere find her cleavage. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Score one for consistency: Jennifer Hudson is as delusional as she is fat. [That Grape Juice]

Christina Aguilera has finally confirmed her pregnancy and the existence of gravity. Denial masquerading as privacy is fun! [Hollywood Backwash]

Meanwhile, Nancy Grace has finally confirmed that there is no God by having twins this weekend. May Tom Cruise have mercy on us all. [Dlisted]

And finally, here’s Barack Obama on SNL last weekend. That’s Barack Obama — B-A-R-A-C-K – O-B-A-M-A. You know, in case you want to support someone who won’t fuck up the country for a change. Oops, I meant C-O-U-N-T-R-I-E-S.